all the little things in 2019

4:15pm

Well, I got a little overwhelmed yesterday and I thought it might be something I should come in here to write about. This has always been my safe processing space.

In the same way, I’ve noticed that I am making huge strides on my own personal developments these days. Like actually recognizing and working my way through the craziness that pops into my head! It’s such an amazing habit to build. I don’t know where it’s coming from all of a sudden, but I’m certainly not complaining!

So, yeah, yesterday: I started to feel really overwhelmed and all in my head about everything going on with EC. It’s like suddenly he’s into it and I’m not really chasing him anymore. Which is a good thing but it’s changed our dynamic in many ways.

The words “smothered” and “suffocated” kept popping into my conscious mind and would not go away!

It’s not that I even really feel that way. I certainly don’t feel that way today but it all hit me yesterday. I mean part of it is due to the fact that I’ve been contemplating Saturday and how I just have to tell him about the celibacy thing. I know it’s going to change every thing! And I’ve been running every possible scenario through my mind. Like do I do it while we’re out of town, do I wait until the end of the night, is he going to want to run away from me as quickly as possible, will he feel weird even being in the same room as me after that?? And of course all these scenarios are negative because who the hell is just going to be like “ok, that’s cool, let’s continue on.” No man ever.

The other part of it was because of the aforementioned changing dynamics between us. Suddenly he’s calling me every day and actually responding to every one of my text messages! He’s saying good morning and sending hope for a good day. It’s the exact freaken opposite of how it was before I left to WI. I wrote about it in here the way I was chasing him with too many damn messages and wanting to talk to him all the time. It was driving me nuts and yet I kept doing it. I’m sure I enjoyed the chase.

Now though I’m not having to chase him any more, which is exactly what I wanted, but makes it all so different. I guess I need time to catch up and get used to this new routine. Plus my experience with men is very limited and I am certainly not used to someone wanting to be around all the time. I think part of it is that I’ve already had time to get used to these ideas and he’s just now going through all those feelings. So I’m trying to remember stuff like that!

I’m trying to take a step back and see it all from a different perspective. Ok yeah he called me yesterday, we spoke for a while, he got home and then asked if I’d be busy later so he could call again. Of course that just fueled my “smothering” thoughts because it was too much interaction.
In reality it wasn’t though! It was/is just a guy wanting to talk to me and I’m not used to that although it’s probably what I’ve always wanted! I forget sometimes that I’m an introvert and not everyone is like me. I forget that people aren’t running on my same timeline! Little reminders I’m going to try to keep in my head.

He didn’t even end up calling. I got a text this morning saying he fell asleep, which I’d already guessed. I told him not to worry because it wasn’t like I was staring at my phone waiting for it to ring. I know him already! haha. We’ve been texting here and there today and it’s totally fine! It’s not bothering me at all.

Perhaps, mostly, I’m freaking out about possibly getting closer to him. I don’t even know what to do about that. I want to spend time with him, obviously, and I like talking to him, but how much is too much? I need to be careful about getting this overwhelming feeling. Basically I need to continue to check in with myself on all this. It’s new and I’m learning as I go.

I like him and I’m trying really hard not to screw it up [even though I feel like it’ll end anyway with the confession because as he says, I’m a total pessimist]. He literally just texted me a few minutes ago a text that says “Relationships are built on trust so I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt…” Because we were joking about letting me drive a new tractor his company got and he said he trusted me. I jokingly replied “dang! already!” with all the shocked faces and told him I’d screenshot it for future use. haha. What a good answer though and it probably helps settle other fears.

He’s a good man and I want it to work out but obviously I’m very nervous about it on the inside. On the outside it’s been totally fine. I’m playing it cool. We’ll see how that goes on Saturday. I might turn into a crazy person panicking about my independence, him getting too close, and wanting to run for the freaken hills!

I do recognize that a lot of this is coming from my terrible habit of self-sabotage. I really do like to run away when sh*t hits too close to home and I am working very hard on changing these parts of me. I don’t want to be like that forever! I definitely do not want to get every thing I have ever asked for and then turn around and shove it back into the universe. That would not do me any favors for my happily ever after!

There are just so many little things that I notice all the time and I want to document them in some way. Moments where I see how much I’m growing in this process and how nice that feels!

Quick example of something so simple: the other day H was showing the guys pictures of sexy looking women online [obviously not in front of L but I was there] asking if they’d “smash or pass”. For a tiny moment I started to feel myself getting jealous at EC’s responses and then I started to feel super freaken insecure because I obviously do not look like those girls. But after a minute or two I started to reflect on it and thought “why the heck am I making myself so upset about this?! 1) Those women aren’t real and if they are they’re probably filtered and photoshopped, 2) it’s not like EC can actually get one of those girls [no offense], 3) I totally check out other men, geez I practically drool over the OK cops on LivePD [haha!]”

And seriously that’s what it’s like to pull myself out of the crazy because that’s all true. We’re doing the same things. I’m just not saying it out loud but I would if someone asked! There shouldn’t be a double standard for him. He’s never given me a reason to be jealous! I would expect the same reaction from him not to get jealous! I mean most of my friends are guys. It’s like 90% of people I text. I check out other guys. I’m attracted to other men. It’s all the same! I just forget sometimes.

My mom always says that her and my dad had this saying about how you can “look but don’t touch” and that totally makes sense! It’s something that I’d probably institute in any relationship I ever get in. It really wouldn’t ever be fair of me to get mad at a man for doing the same thing that I’m doing! I need to remember that.

It’s little stuff like that that is making a difference in my world and hopefully the world that I might some day share with someone else. =)

rose.
5:53pm

P.S. A little side note just to record that I’m excited about seeing him on Saturday and getting to spend an afternoon just the two of us. I’ll get to ask him a million questions and actually get to know him better. I’m probably dragging him to see Toy Story 4, which started as a joke but might have to happen. Also he asked me if I liked pizza and I laughed in his face and told him I’d eat the whole damn thing by myself! So we’ll see. Can’t get my hopes up too high. Y’all know my track record 😂

P.P.S. He showed up at my house again after talking on the phone for like half an hour. He asked if I was in pjs (haha) and I asked if it was my 10 minute warning and he said more like 3 minuets. Ok. So we hung outside for a minute, then came inside to sit for a bit and he said hi to my mom, and then I made him leave because he needed to go to sleep. While we were outside he did actually try to kiss me but I didn’t. Something about sharing a first kiss in my driveway kinda killed it. He’s so comfortable though. I coulda spent a million hours in his arms! The way he was holding me, not wanting to let go, and I just put my hand on his chest and said “maybe later”. Haha. I’m so terrible at this 🤦‍♀️

Last updated June 29, 2019