in the open now in 2019

5:07pm

Where to start: I had an excellent weekend. Like not what I was expecting, but it all worked out quite well.

I don’t even know how to explain it. I mean, there’s probably going to come a point where it all blows up in my face but whatever. At this very moment, I don’t care about that at all. Which is maybe something I’ll regret. I just can’t help it!

I wrote the last entry on Friday while I was at work. I was texting with the neighbours a little and we ended up going over there after we got out. We didn’t have food at home, we were starving, and they were making tacos. haha. I love that we have this kind of friendship with them!!

Honestly it wasn’t in my plan to go over there at all. I was going to have a quiet night. Maybe a drink or something on the couch watching new episodes of LivePD. That really was my plan all day but oh well. I was hungry! 😂

Of course I took a couple beers. Thought it was just us but I walked in to find Chico, his daughter, and a friend. I instantly recognized the friend but ducked my head and didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure he’d recognize me so I didn’t want to make any kinda deal out of it. By the end of the night he was talking about some people I also know and he motioned towards me like ‘you know them right’ and L immediately asked if we knew each other. I started to say that we knew the same people as he said that we went to the same school. Then we joked about how there’s only one high school in this town.

I was a little surprised he remembered me, but I usually am when it comes to high school people. That place was sorta my hell and I always felt invisible to everyone. Which you would never think because I spoke with pretty much every group on campus. But yeah. I’m very different now and I care a whole lot less about what others think of me. We’re both grown up. He seems nice. It was his first time meeting the neighbours and we all swear he got in trouble by his girl because he jumped up out of nowhere and she picked him up. haha. Not sure they’ll let him back. 😛

Anyway, it was a good night. I got a little tipsy. Not sure how since I didn’t think I drank that much. I remember 2 beers and a shot, but there had to be more than that. Maybe it was 3 beers and 2 shots. haha. 😬 Either way, it didn’t seem like much but I was pretty buzzed when I got home. More so than on Saturday and I had like 8 beers that day, but only one shot which is a surprise.
Wow. Perhaps we should all skip the previous paragraph and ignore how much I drink. Yikes. I really do need to cut back on the damn beer. If only it weren’t so dang perfect for this hot weather and hanging out with friends!

Around 11 that night [I think I got home about 12:30] I texted EC saying that I missed him and it wasn’t even just the beer talking. It seemed pretty innocent to me. I hadn’t seen him in almost 2 weeks and he’s usually there when we’re drinking. So yeah, I missed having him there and we’ve been getting along so well! 🤷‍♀️

Ok, so I got distracted from this. In the most random moment I went to the bathroom and on my way there I thought about EC and how he hadn’t called me today. He should have been out of work already. But I was there and the thought crossed my mind about him calling and seeing it on my watch and wouldn’t you freaken know! He did indeed call me a couple minutes later!! Such a crazy coincidence. I went to charge my phone and was talking to him for a bit when he asked if I was really just laying in bed doing nothing. I said yes, kind of, and he told me to go outside.
He’d been telling me he was going to the store in my town but I didn’t expect him to just show up! I asked him a bunch of times if he was serious and told him that I looked like a mess. He said I didn’t have to go but I mean, of course I was going to say hi! I got super nervous! I really did look like a mess having the most random clothes on and not having showered! 😳 I pulled on my flannel shirt and shoes, checked myself in the mirror. Thank God my skin isn’t terrible today because I didn’t have any makeup on!! Ugh. But I walked out anyway and saw his truck next door. The windows are so dark I couldn’t tell if he was still in there so I knocked on the driver’s side and he popped the door open. We talked about him being there and stuff. I was a little embarrassed and the nerves were making my lip shake [I hate that!!] but I relaxed pretty quickly by not staring at his face. haha. Talked about plans for Saturday. I didn’t want to keep him long so when he jumped out of the truck to head inside I went in for a hug. So nice. We’re about the same height and I don’t know. It just fits. So we hugged for a second and then lingered a little. I really think he wanted to kiss me. He was staring right at me. But I can’t yet.

Honestly, it makes me feel a little bad because I’m pretty positive he’s trying to progress things but, I mean, I can only go so far. He doesn’t know that yet. I really think I want to tell him on Saturday. I’m not as worried about telling him as I was with that other guy [who never found out] but it’s still such a big deal. I know it’s going to affect us. And I so like the way things are right now. sigh We’ll see, I guess. It’s not fair to hide it if we’re moving forward.

He also called me a bit ago because I was giving him a hard time about saying I didn’t look “that bad” tonight. I told him to give me a warning next time so I don’t look like a messy homeless person. Funny enough he keeps seeing me in what I consider my ugliest forms and yet he keeps coming around. I keep thinking this one thing will turn him off and he’s still here. I definitely like that even my “worst” forms aren’t scaring him off.

Anyway, I always write way too much in here but it’s for my own memories sake.

So Saturday morning I woke up early to go to little Dev’s basketball game. He did much better than he did on Thursday and I’m so happy to be able to participate and cheer him on!

EC and I sent a couple texts and then he called me after the game. His work was crazy that day so it took like 3-4 calls before we had a good conversation. hah. It was nice though. I think he wanted to ask me to hang out solo but couldn’t get up the nerve. I mentioned I was going to the neighbour’s later that day because I’d been planning to drink all the beer I brought from WI with them. I think maybe he took that as I already had plans or wouldn’t want to go out. I don’t know. But he never asked to hang alone like I thought he might. It’s ok though.

Mom ended up making a great soup for lunch and we had the neighbours over here to eat in the courtyard. Then a little after I went over there to hang out. EC showed up a bit later. I could tell things were different the minute he walked in. He wasn’t spacey and aloof like usual. Actually talking to me and hanging out longer than a second. Something has definitely changed with him in the last week! I don’t know what I did, or said, but he’s totally into it all of a sudden! Not that I’m complaining but I can sense the switch. Wanting to talk to me all the time, showing up randomly, all that stuff.

I sat outside with the guys for most of the time. L was in and out. EC sat next to me, within arm’s reach, but didn’t say much. Some staring and laughing. Stuff like that. My mom came by for a while. [sidenote: EC and I were giving each other a hard time and mom said something and he said “Idk why she does this”. I didn’t hear everything Chico was telling H but I did hear “that’s because they like each other.” Clearly everyone else is picking up on it. ha] Anyway, one of the first real things he said to me was that I was really messing with his emotions the night before. 😱 What did I do?? Apparently the miss you text really hit him? I kept saying how it wasn’t that dramatic and I didn’t say anything crazy but I guess it stirred something up in him. 🤷‍♀️

Long story short: by the end of the night they’d lit the fire pit and mysteriously we were left alone out there. The first time everyone else walked away we moved our chairs to the opposite end of the pit [back facing the house] because there was too much smoke. They came back out eventually and hung out for a bit. I think it was just H there when EC held out his hand to me. I don’t think I even hesitated to put my hand in his and we interlocked fingers and sat like that for a while. It wasn’t super obvious out in the open but it’s the 1st time we’ve been even that “open” about it. Previous times have been pretty secretive just the two of us in a room. Plus I imagine they could see us from the window while our backs were turned.

It was so nice though! Just easy. Holding hands by the fire pit. His arm is so heavy though! haha. Probably from being a mechanic. I kept having to shift to not squish my own arm. hah. And eventually rested our hands on my leg. One time the smoke got crazy and we let go but almost immediately he reached out again. Everyone ended up leaving us alone and after a while I moved closer [well he asked me to and tugged at my chair haha] so he could more easily put his arm around me. He was touching me so sweetly. Just rubbing his hand over mine, or my arm/skin/etc saying how soft my skin is. haha. Well yeah! Compared to his rough blue collar hands! He did touch down my side once and I thought about how he was touching my chubby sides but I quickly let it go. Being insecure isn’t cute so I didn’t even make a joke about it.

At one point he pulled me in super close and was all up near my face. I think he was kissing the top of my head, or side, and it was kinda too close so I straight up said, “I’m not going to kiss you EC” and he replied, “I’m not even trying to kiss you!” Ok. Well Good.

I’m not ready. I want to be but I’m not. Too cautious. Too many hesitations. I told him multiple times that I’m not good at this stuff. I told him we weren’t going to make it. We’d never last. It wasn’t going to go anywhere. Once he asked why and I said that we wanted different things. He asked what I wanted but I honestly don’t know! I’m so set in my ways. I’m so comfortable in my space! I made a comment about how he’s said like a hundred times that he doesn’t want to get married and he goes, “You want to get married? Ok let’s get married!” I made a joke about it happening right then and he laughed and said he needed time to at least pick his best man. hah.

He also admitted to me that one of his big fears is the fact that CA is so strict that some girl could potentially get half his sh*t when they divorce. I couldn’t believe that. Of all the things that might happen you’re most worried about losing half your stuff?! I told him that too. That I didn’t understand how that could be the big worry for not wanting to get married. I also told him that I didn’t want half his stuff. Honestly! If we got together and it didn’t work out I would never take his stuff. It’s not mine to take! But then I made jokes about still wanting the dog and the truck. haha. 😉

I don’t know how sober he was. I’m learning it’s hard to tell! But I also made jokes about him being nice because he was drunk. He said he wasn’t. He looked me right in the eyes and said he liked me. He was saying sweet things to me. Multiple times he even said things like “I don’t know what you did to me; f*ck man” and mumblings about how he thought we had something going on and he felt a connection to me, and how he didn’t understand what was happening to him. Several times he mentioned how he’d had to wait two weeks to see me and it had been too long. And he almost always cursed after like he was pissed I could have such an effect on him. But not angry in a bad way. Just confused almost. Like how could it be possible.

I think I could have done more to reassure him that I felt the same way but I was suddenly feeling so guarded. He was getting too close. He was feeling too much and expressing it in such an open way. I’m not used to that at all. I mean this dude has probably gotten closer to me than any other man ever. It’s been so simple and I’ve just so easily gone with it that I haven’t had time to pull away. But at that moment there was too much involved and I held back. Mostly laughed and avoided the entire subject. I couldn’t help myself!

We cuddled for a while out there and then I think he picked up on the fact that I was getting cold and asked if I wanted to go inside. Went in, grabbed another beer [surprisingly he’d slowed way down on his drinking and actually had water from my bottle once! which I don’t think I’ve ever seen him do haha] stood in the kitchen alone for a bit and then I asked if he wanted to sit down to watch the movie.

Well, he ended up falling asleep not long after. The neighbour’s had left the room but then came back. While EC was busy snoring away H took a picture of us. I saw him pointing his phone in our direction so I ducked my head, started laughing, and put my arm up. Totally covered my face. I’m not trying to be in a picture like that. EC actually got it from his compa yesterday after I asked if he’d seen it. It’s kinda funny really. Us sitting there, his arm around me, head thrown back clearly asleep. You can’t even tell it’s me, which was my point. He told his compa he was going to frame it and put it on his desk at work. I agreed it was a good move because we look so cute. haha. Our first official picture together and it probably fits us perfectly. 😆

The next morning I was doing yard work, had to go to the neighbours yard to finish a bush by the fence, and ran into him in the driveway unexpectedly. He rolled down the passenger side window as I walked by and I stood there for a minute talking to him. He said stuff about how he could be nice to me even when he’s sober [and I asked if he was drunk right then haha I’m the worst] and totally stumbled through trying to tell me he wanted to take me out to the movies or w/e this coming weekend. Like he said “sooo” and then wouldn’t spit the rest out. It made me laugh in the sweetest way. It didn’t seem like a big deal to me. I mean, sure, yeah, let’s go! Maybe I make him nervous??!
Later I found a text saying how cute I looked with my hair up. 🙄 Almost as bad as today! But sweet of him to say. I told him to stop being so nice to me.

I’m clearly failing at cutting this short but I tried my best. I still have to go take my shot and get ready for bed. But I really want to document all this. I need to know where my head was at during this time. There are so many thoughts that I’m not getting out here but hopefully I’ll work my way through them soon. Still uncharted territory! Having trouble figuring out how I feel about the whole thing. I think this Saturday, if it happens, will be some kind of turning point for us. I don’t want to screw it up, and I’m trying really hard to be better about things this time around, but stuff needs to be said. My feelings need to be known. I’m too straightforward not to spill it all out.

Wish me luck.

rose.
10:49pm

Last updated June 26, 2019