I've been doing alright. I enjoy the counseling sessions with Ian, and tensions have eased a bit here at home. I now help with dishes and shopping and whatnot. I have kept my stinging comments to myself. Mostly, I'm trying to treat him with the respect that should be given to any human being.
I don't know how long I'll stay. I'd like a session alone with Keri. Last time, I said that it doesn't seem like Ian and I are matched sexually-- with how frequently we want it, and the things we'd like to do.
Keri wanted to know what it was that I wanted to do sexually. She said that she was asking an explicit question, and expected an explicit answer. I told her that I wanted someone to drag me by the hair, and fuck me with confidence.
It always seems too pointed to say what's on my mind. I know it must kill Ian. Keri needs to know that I want a Dom that I can call Daddy. I want to be his baby girl. I want to go to events on his leash. I want rope play. I want gang bangs. I want orgasm control and flogging and a collar.
When I had sex 3 times a week, I wanted 5. So yes, now that Ian isn't having sex with me in the foreseeable future, that is a problem. I don't see an end to it.
I guess I'm looking for permission from Keri to move on.
In other news, I have a crush on Kenny now. I'm going to his house tomorrow. I'm excited; he's making me dinner. He is so sweet. He came to my house in a suit and brought wine a few weeks ago. Ordinarily, I'd bring dessert to his house, but he's on a paleo diet right now, so I guess I'm bringing berries? I mean, strawberries, blueberries, and oranges together makes an amazing fruit salad. I could eat that all day. If he were a bit healthier already, I might just bring some fudge and call it a day, but he's a bigger guy and I want to support him making healthy choices.
I've been trying to convince myself to do yoga. I'm not easily motivated. I have been better about my vitamins and eating actual breakfast lately, not just some stupid combination of coffee and a power bar.
I went to Erica's house a few days ago. We danced some, and bullshitted a lot. That was fun.
I still flirt with Dustin at dances, and he enjoys hanging around me too. We were sitting side-by-side with our hands on each other's thighs. He invited me to his birthday party. I want to tell him how fucked up it is that he's inviting me to his birthday party that is in March. He had said he would move to Seattle by November at the latest. He's so full of shit. I worry a little bit about him, though-- I feel like he may be going through something rough right now. Is it awful that I hope it's a break up?
I want to just start taking really good care of myself. My skin, my body, my mind, all of it. I suppose sleep would be a good start. Goodnight, loves.
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