Christ I hope this is a short rant. The show I’m not watching has jumped the shark so many different ways and so many times there’s just a dorsal fin with tread marks laying in the dust. Even from the pilot they had the primaries drinking constantly, poor over privileged rich kids and the cliché poor overpriviliged poor kids struggling through the horribly treacherous waters of growing up and winning everything.
The most recent shark they jumped backwards on a 1200cc unicycle blindfolded and on fire has been “DRUGS” recovery. First off when I say I’d rather fuck a moose, a buck homosexual queen moose, I mean I’m sorry that I didn’t; I can’t unsee it and I’m not mooseophobic, though I probably wouldn’t take the moose home to meet the folks. Wait, sorry, I know how sensitive some of you are; I’d rather have made sweet love to a vaginally challenged moose American.
Who in the TV and movie industry hasn’t been to a twelve step meeting? But, more importantly, and more shocking, who hasn’t had a coke habit? So this character who took four seasons to take off her glasses and let her hair down so everyone could notice that clark kent was built like superman --- oh, wait, no, taking off glasses and letting hair down to reveal a smoking hot body is a thing all on it’s own, sorry Clark. She gets a gig as a model and within like a week of TV time (meaning real fake time) she moves from diet pills to someones idea of a raging cocaine problem, loses her boyfriend (which on this show means hours of expressing undying love) and her job and gets a DUI and then goes to a twelve step meeting where she makes the same speech, rewritten, that everyone makes on the show, usually to a boy or girlfriend, with all this hyper-overacting sincerity and everyone claps.
The fuck? That’s right, the sucked the shark pool dry of water and they even stole the W from WTF. Oh, and in the other parts of the ongoing plot people are drinking and there is no irony. It’s gone beyond not being able to look away from a train wreck to cheering for crushing of metal and the burning bodies. Firefly got one season, this fucking show had eight, eight long seasons, I’m sure whatever breed of shark is on the extinction list that this show had everything to do with it. The sharks that weren’t jumped probably caught an episode, put on helium overshoes and floated upward to their death leaving three letter suicide notes WTF. Or, because it’s hard to write with flippers, just TF?
In the eighth season Jesus Christ probably returns to earth with a new hit single, signs with the Lakers, raises all the dead and does shots of Mescal while sharks jump him. If anyone knows any single meese? Mooses? Give them my number quick. Hell an elk will do. I’m kidding, hot ungulate sex is not going erase this series from airwaves, to my great horror I realize all the damage has already been done. Sure, I hadn’t seen it heretofore, but for the last four years all those who were watching have been walking the earth like little sleeper cells of ticking emotional time bombs, maybe waiting for a trigger like a subliminal shark on American Idol and they’ll do … something, I don’t know what, but it can’t possibly be good not for organic life or hell anything carbon based. If bad TV is infectious the trigger could cause a faKe emotional backlash that’d make earth the epicenter of a black, perhaps to a parallel universe where the dominant species are sharks, and boy will they be pissed.
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