Two weeks in In the Kingdom of Suzu

Tomorrow it will be two weeks since he left. I am still reeling from it. I want to thank you all for your encouragement and kindness. It means a lot. I keep trying to make sense of it and I just cannot. I haven’t really been at the house and when I am there, I can’t seem to function. I stay with my son or daughter and just go home to shower and feed the cats.

I am going to retire the beginning of September—I was only staying til November because it would have been easier with insurance. I am eligible for Medicare in September but he would not be until November so because of supplemental insurance I was just going to stay til November and use my work insurance for both of us. Now there is no need to. I do plan on getting a part-time job, which was always in the back of my mind for when I did retire. I will need to keep busy but I don’t want the stress of a full-time job.

I have sought counsel and while I do not plan on filing, it was strongly suggested that we have a property settlement agreement to protect myself and for his protection as well. I have some investments from my parents that he would be entitled to and I don’t want that. If a divorce does happen, we would need that anyway so it would just be something out of the way.

I did have a realtor come in so I would know what the house could sell for but I do need to make some repairs which he kept talking about starting or having done but kept telling me to wait. I wanted to know about the house before I talked to the lawyer so that is another reason I had a realtor come in. It would be cheaper to stay in the house but I don’t want the upkeep so down the road I would want to get out, plus the memories.

It just seems like I am being rushed tho because the lawyer said I should do that agreement like now and then the realtor was saying could I have the house ready to list by September!

Am also checking into social security and have a call in to them because I want to see if I could collect off of his earnings as opposed to mine, the difference is about $350. I don’t know if it is possible but it was suggested so I will look into it.

There is a bright note tho----my daughter and her boyfriend are going to Maine the last week of July and the first week of August. My daughter will photograph the wedding and he is in it. Originally she was going to have to give up her week with the princesses but now I can bring them up the first week of August and it will be a nice get away for me. I wish I could go now(actually I wish I could just run away and start over, but I honor my commitments not like Jeff and that is something I have to keep reminding myself)? Instead of speaking up and working at what was going on he kept silent. All the help and suggestions that were available to him, he refused to do. He became a weak person and would not accept or rather let anyone help him. He admitted that he knew I was behind him and would help him but he wouldn’t let me. It will be his loss and the really sad thing is that it didn’t have to be like this, not at all.

Thanks again, I do read but am not noting and even to make this entry was an effort but I did want to check in. It hurts, it hurts so bad I just wish the pain would go away. Supposedly every day is a little bit better? so far I haven’t noticed that happen.