titus pt. 2. my paternal grandmother. in 2018

so in my last entry. i mentioned a lot i know. which is why. i’m going to divide it up.

so. my paternal grandmother d. oct. 25, 2015. so like 4.5 yrs. ago? or a little over i guess something like that. um. i don’t talk much about her and haven’t in awhle. she missed things. oh but i gave up my sat. so we could visit her. and she could drink. that she never missed. [no i’m actually not being an ass. this is true.]. i was like 10, 13 at the time. while she was never violent she was difficult to get along w/. i finally stopped visiting her when i was 23, 24. i’m a lot worse when i don’t drink. i kindof get it. i don’t recall that i ever saw her w/o a drink in her hand. like it’s a bit but also it is what it is ya know? i don’t miss her. i don’t really greatly dislike her either. exactly. like no one has to feel bad for me. it is what it is. no this isn’t a sympathy plea.

it’s just. had when she was still here and i’d go & visit her. had. my late grandmother offered me a drink [not that i would’ve taken it as my mom was there] it would’ve. given us a um. an activity to do together. or, i don’t know, listened to sinatra records. ya know not even
drinkin. [actually she’s the reason i don’t listen to sinatra. and don’t like watching movies/tv shows where they have dancing as part of it.]. not just cause. oh it’s been almost 3 yrs. no bc of how our relationship was near the end. or. i don’t like dance even being mentioned. for that reason.

so my late paternal grandmother was an alcoholic. [again not what she died from.]. she could’ve at least offered me a drink while she was at it ya know? like how fuked up is that? dysfunction much? [no actually it didn’t happen so. no. no in fact it wasn’t.]. no. what i’m saying is. the times. when i was 24 and she was difficult to get along w/. if i’d had a drink. i would’ve had something to help me forget. those moments at the times they happened. and then. kept drinking and probably gotten drunk so. like it sounds weird but. well also. that way we would’ve. that’s a thing people do. they get together and drink. or sometimes they drink by themselves but they’re not. literally alone. like in bars. well it’s not like she started when i was 24 no i know. well like. my late best friend drank. a lot and so we’d get together, drink, watch movies. ya know? and i wonder. if when i was little. my grandmother ‘pre-gamed’ before we arrived. or um ‘aftergamed’ what the hell is the opposite of ‘pre’? hell i know back in my bar days i used to do that. pre-game. no ‘after’ makes sense. it’s amazing i never saw the woman falling down drunk, come to think of it. some people are just built like tanks although. not always literally. well also my late best friend was easy to get along w/ so. there’s that. when my ex & i. we’d get together w/ our couple friends........play cards, drink. which. ok that probably din’t help me, us all taking shots. he knew i wasn’t going to listen if he came down on me so. i mean also we were among other people so. yeah. um. so when i was 24 my grandmother re-married. her late husband wonderful guy. everyone loved him. this is her
2nd husband. [ok she only had the 2. it’s not a liz taylor thing goin on. not that that there’s anything wrong w/ that.]. and. but he drank. a lot which. i don’t think that part of their
relationship helped either one of them. my sister. thinks of our grandmother in a good light
and i. don’t. no cause she was away at school. i’m not blaming her it’s just hard to be. reminded of that. and that’s why i don’t say ‘i’m sorry’ when i’ve done something bc. it’s just a reminder. ya know no need to look for that razor blade again. that’s actually incredibly apt since i used to cut. also i don’t believe in being sorry i believe in being effective. well make better coffee damnit! no and it is legitimately nice my sister didn’t have that. for her. but not for me. and i’ve been told ‘well what about when you were little?’ well that’s not. vivid the good times back then aren’t vivid. they’re not deep they’re not. real in a sense. they’re not frida’s artwork. they’re more like monet’s. ya know as much as someone enjoys the movie the beg. part. near the end is what some remember and focus on and near the end isn’t good.

no that would’ve been weird. if, when visiting my grandmother at 24, she’d gone ‘have a shot’. cool thanks. wait. ok that was a little dark. but idinno you can laugh or cry about something. and. [they do say laughter’s the best medicine after all.].

it’s just. had when she was still here and i’d go & visit her. had. my late grandmother offered me a drink [not that i would’ve taken it as my mom was there] it would’ve. given us a um. an activity to do together. or, i don’t know, listened to sinatra records. ya know not even
drinkin. [actually she’s the reason i don’t listen to sinatra. and don’t like watching movies/tv shows where they have dancing as part of it.]. not just cause. oh it’s been almost 3 yrs. no bc of how our relationship was near the end. or. i don’t like dance even being mentioned. for that reason.

so. back when i was 24 it wasn’t just the drinking that turned me rageful. it was an example i had as well. hey. visiting her. kindof a learning experience. but not a good one.

yeah so like i said. i’m fukin pissed off. like. i’m sorry but what a great fukin example. to have a grandmother who drinks. like.........wow. i functioned fine just not. in the usual way. no of course not i’m. not like everyone else and not just cause of that. yeah. my being
dysfunctional just adds to that. yeah welcome to the circus. enjoy the show. i was 24 had been raped a wk. after my 24th. btw i’m 31 now. met my ex when er in dec. a few months after. that. like it wasn’t a good time to be in a relationship. obviously. but like. i mean.......i heavily drank when i was 24. and back in those days i was. horrible when i was hammered as anything. no one wanted to be around that. whereas now. i think i’m hilarious when i’m that hammered. but it wasn’t. a great time for me. and going every wk. to visit my grandmother. was a small part of that. of course i drank! well that’s not the only reason. look at the example i had. and i didn’t have to visit her except i did. bc. out of obligation to her. and ya want to know what’s really sad? that i remember. she never took accountability. or admitted any wrongdoing. to not treating people well. if someone’s going to fuk up fine. but at least somehow. admit to a wrongdoing ya know? i mean it’s sad. and i want someone to agree w/ me on that. yeah. cause it is. at some point i stopped visiting her. cause. it wasn’t good and i hate. that i did that for her when. .........yeah. but, ya know. welcome to the circus we all make our choices. always an adventure. dysfunction.

i’m finally pissed about this? good. no i’m serious. it means i’m feeling. right untill.........i get drunk. yes and that’s why. anastethtic can only last so long. [not like always literal anasthetic.]. untill we get more. i’ve avoided thinking about this for so long. and probably will again.

so i’m a really sweet giving person. i don’t mean like physically giving. cause no. like there are things won’t tell. my mom [well i mean. i might. like i didn’t want. my sister at the meeting] bc. like she’s my mom and. we don’t argue anymore. like i know that’s what a mom, is supposed to do. but also that’s just me in general. and honestly. i’m not sure how much my late grandmother. paternal appreciated my visits. and i didn’t much either apparently. yes that’s why i stopped going. i don’t think i was visiting her for me. [no well clearly.]. no it was for her. like and it’s funny cause we’re both leos. and leos are selfish and giving. wait sounds like a gemini thing. her mother my great grandmother. although i never met her. apparently knew how to treat people. um. and i remember my mom. once saying something to my um grandmother about ‘well what would your mother think of this?’ and my grandmother understood. but she. didn’t say much about it or change. and. if anyone ever. i wanted to make sure my mom was. content even though, you know. that’s not actually my responsibility. again how i am. and that’s another reason i we. stopped visiting. like no. don’t you ever. it came down between my mom and her and i. chose my mom. like yeah no this isn’t working. we’re done. the v. last time i saw her my grandmother. it was ok. she was still w/ us for awhile after. i was there visiting her but i wasn’t. really.........there, in a sense. even though we were in the same rm. we weren’t. metaphorically. or otherwise i suppose. it was like psychosis. not literally. no in that. when a person is experiencing psychosis [and i know cause i have] the people in their presence are. physically in their presence. i guess i should be more understanding but i’m not, really, at the moment. and i think i have good reason not to be right now.

i didn’t cause the problem. well not. not for her but for myself by. the fact that i kept visiting her. but. ya know. we accept the love we think we deserve. love that quote. if anything she owes me something except. that’ll never happen cause. it’s been about 4.5 yrs. and. she’s
and. she’s not w/ us anymore. it was unfair for me but. i could’ve done something differently. but i think whether i visited or not.

well it’s not like i made much effort either other other then. you know, visiting her. right and it was like she wasn’t even there didn’t want me there. her second husband? always glad to see me always nice. even if i had brought my dean martin or sinatra cds i’m not sure it would’ve done much. but i like to think it would’ve. so eventually i walked. the fuk. away. stopped visiting her. but to me that’s not the point. i also stayed. bc out of obligation bc i owed her and bc. i have depression and ptsd and they both tell me i’m not worth a godamn thing. sorry but that’s my reality. if you don’t like it that’s ok but that’s my reality. and please don’t tell me otherwise. you don’t have to agree w/ it but please don’t tell me otherwise. and i think my depression was re-enforced by. the visits so like i said i walked the fuk away. and houston. we have a breakthrough.

but w/ addicts the only person that can help them is. is them. no but ya know that’s no excuse. i’m an addict. and i know that’s no excuse for the things i did when i was 24. 23.

Last updated June 12, 2019