when patience pays off in 2019

7:33pm

I am trying to be a little better about updating around here. I don’t have much going on but I love being able to look back on it. Also, I need the venting session. I still haven’t really found anyone in person that I can spill it all too. 🤷‍♀️

Most of these entries end up being about EC these days. I feel weird about that because I feel like all I ever talk about is guys. Like I hop from guy to guy and just pour out all these words all the time. I guess it’s one of the main things that trips me up in life. The thoughts that I need to process and get out of my crazy head! My crazy shy introvert INFJ brain that over-analyzes, and overthinks, and drives me nuts. 😆

Speaking of personality stuff: I really want to get EC to take the test. I’m tempted to find a way to bring it up in conversation and send him the link. I’m curious. Not that it’s going to make a difference, but I want to know. And I want him to read mine so he’ll understand me a little better. The descriptions are so on point that it’s like a quick start guide. 😛

I talked to him today when he called me a little after 4pm. I’d honestly been dying to send him a text pretty much all day. I resisted texting him again after he didn’t respond to my last message on Tuesday. Which apparently he knew exactly what I was talking about today when it came up. He said he didn’t have anything to say about it. 🙄 I told him that people didn’t like when he was bad at communicating. Bringing up the fact that H told me last night that he wasn’t answering his calls either. ha. He said I get mad when he responds with an emoji and I said that it was a little annoying to get one-word answers or emojis. We had a similar conversation last Saturday at the bar. I told him it’s hard to have a conversation or get to know him when he doesn’t respond. He said we were good at talking face-to-face. 🤦‍♀️ Alright. No more texting then.

Although we all know I’ll be the first to fail at that. I like sending him random sh*t. haha. I even told him that he’d probably still get texts when I drink. I said I text my whole contact list and he said something about not feeling special. I told him I didn’t want him to feel used.

I was sitting outside in the courtyard having just finished eating a really late lunch. I bbq’d sausage and veggies and mom made her amazing potato salad. It was an excellent lunch! So I was sitting out there in the beautiful warm/windy weather listening to music when my phone went black and his name popped up. When we reached about the 30 minute mark of the call he said we were doing really well again. Close to our all time record! Which we joked about because after that long phone call we ended up hanging out in person alone and then with the neighbours until after midnight I think. So he brought it up saying how well we did in person too and then said something about how I held his hand. 😏 I told him that I didn’t know what he was talking about. That I don’t remember doing any of that. I was innocently petting the dog and his hand got in the way! I just wanted to see his tattoos! Then I didn’t want to be rude and pull away. 🤣

We talked a little about plans for this weekend. Turns out we are not going to take the girls to six flags and instead they want to take them to a water park because H gets his son for a few hours on Saturday. Mom doesn’t want to go but I’m still debating. EC said I should go to work on my tan and I told him that I wasn’t sure I wanted to pay to work on my tan. It sounds like a really fun day. The kids are awesome. I love the water and the sun. And there’s talk of really good food either during or definitely after. But I don’t know.

He mentioned something about my going to church on Saturdays and that if I didn’t go that I should let him know so we can hang out. Also at some point we were joking about running out of things to say and then about being comfortable with silence. He said something about knowing a cheap quiet place we could go to hang. I thought he was going to say the neighbours but he ended up saying something about “off the backroads” and I started laughing. Teasing him about wanting to take me to the middle of nowhere to get rid of me already and no one would find me. He told me to calm down, he was talking about his boss’ vineyard, and we could probably have some wine. Then I remembered that the next one is on me and I said it was a great idea because I wouldn’t have to spend money. haha.

It kinda scares me though. Like makes me nervous; not in a bad way. The thought of going out to the middle of nowhere alone. I don’t really know how many people will be around. Is he going to try to kiss me?! 😳 That gives me anxiety. I think I’d panic. haha. I’m just not good at this stuff! I don’t want to move too fast. I mean all of a sudden we’re talking a bunch, and cuddling on the couch, and what the heck? I kinda want to talk to him about the fact that this is probably not going to work between us. We’re looking for different things. And I’m not trying to get attached to someone who’s going to dump me. Plus I don’t want to hurt him! I don’t want him to form any kind of attachment to me if we’re not going to go anywhere.

See! This is what my brain goes through on a constant cycle. I like him and it’s easy. I’m trying to go with the flow. But at the same time I worry that he’s messing with me. That it’s some kind of game to see how far he’ll get because I was so straightforward about not wanting anything casual. He’s not going to get far at all, I wasn’t kidding, but I don’t want to get attached. I don’t want to get hurt.

I just don’t want to make another mistake and pick the wrong person. It feels too simple. Like the other shoe is definitely going to drop at any minute.
Obviously all these thoughts stem from my million pounds of baggage. From abandonment issues. Attachment issues. Commitment issues. The list goes on. I want to be upfront with him about all of this.

The funny thing here is that I don’t feel nervous about talking to him about any of it. With TF it drove me absolutely insane! It made me crazy to even think about mentioning it. And I’m not feeling that way at all right now. I just need the right opportunity and I would tell him Every.Thing. That feels nice even if I’m still anxious about being alone with him or making a huge mistake.

He did call my mom his future mother in law today. I totally called him out on not saying “ex-mother-in-law” and he said it was ok, we’re gonna work it out now, and I don’t get half his sh*t anymore. haha. Then we talked about how I get 50% anyway because as far as he knows that’s how marriage goes. Good answer my friend! I even get part custody of his 110lb pit bull that apparently looks like a cow. I haven’t met him yet but I’ve seen a couple pictures and he has the sweetest face! I’d honestly be more excited to meet the dog than anyone else in his family. hah. Not only am I not all that great with people, but it’s just a weird feeling that they might not like me. His mom seems very into her particular religion and it’s about the opposite of mine. On the bright side I learned EC was baptized Catholic and that kinda made me happy. Even though he refuses to go to church with me [I’d never pressure him anyway!] he also seems perfectly fine with the fact that I do.

Also, he really likes my tan 😜 And there’s a good possibility that I will see him tomorrow for the game next door.

As a quick sidenote: I really want to find a way to talk to them about this whole thing. Or not thing. hah. But he’s their friend and I don’t want it to be weird. They definitely knew I went out with him and saw him put his arm around me in the kitchen. But also, last night L said she “very respectfully” wanted to tell me that if their other friend G wasn’t dating their friend A, she thinks we’d be perfect together. Apparently we are so alike. And went on about this for a couple minutes with H semi-agreeing that we were similar. I met the guy a couple times and have no interest but the whole convo worried me a little. Definitely fed into my current anxieties about it all. Like why are they saying that to me knowing I’ve been talking to EC - the guy they pushed me on! It’s something to be discussed soon.

For now I’m calming my anxieties by typing too much, searching for distractions, thinking about how damn nice it’s been, and deciding to go with the flow for now. Forever does not have to be decided this weekend!

rose.
9:31pm