Kind of like the friday 5? I'll take it! in Happy trails from DE

Guys, I was super excited when I found people doing this fives survey, it reminded me of our very own Friday five! But way way longer.
So in typical fashion I stole the thing, I did the thing! Hip hip!

On with it…

Five facts about your current relationship

1. My boyfriend A (who is actually my fiance but I hate that word. I either feel like a huge snob or I’m reading a cat food label) and I have been together for 3 and a half years

2. He is the father of my second born son, baby bear, and he is an incredible dad. He’s almost at times too engaging and more of a mother hen than anything but I know he means well. 

3. He’s a bearded chubby dude and I have a big thing for bearded chubby dudes so it works out nicely

4. His parents were born and raised in Jamaica so I learned how to cook traditional jamaican food to make him feel more comfortable when he moved in. Let me tell you, I do a kick ass curry chicken or oxtail

5. We’re highly competitive with each other and make bets on any and everything

Five facts about a past relationship 

Oh boy oh boy! Disclaimer: I can’t be held accountable for my hoe years.... you know that chunk of time in your 20s when everything was all love? No? Well don’t be a judgy Jenny, nobody likes that.

1. In my early 20s I married my tattoo artist during a rough period in my life when my grandmother suddenly passed and I was abusing drugs. He was emotionally and verbally abusive and I have nothing positive to say about that. He was 14 years my senior and one of the worst mistakes of my life.

2. When my marriage didnt work I met my daughters father (that’s right judgy jennies, TWO baby daddies. Oh the hell with you) and things grew intense quickly. I found out I was pregnant only after a few months and we quickly moved in together. I found out he was cheating on me around 4 months pregnant but decided to work things out for our daughter. Huge mistake. Other troubling events occurred but I stuck with it because I knew I wanted more kids and I didn’t want to be THAT WOMAN with kids who have different fathers. My opinion on the matter changed when he was fired from his job for sexually harassing not one but FIVE different women. The same day he told me that, a shipment of Male sex toys for him arrived at the house. I realized he may have a few problems and finally ended it.

3. Before my ex husband there was Bateman, who for the longest time felt like the love of my life. The love of all loves. Unlike any man on this planet was my Bateman. But that didnt last either… his emotional issues coupled with him being in law school made for a disaster. He reached out to me via email last year and I politely told him to never contact me again. Yes… on of those hard loves it was.

4. Before Bateman I dated a bonafide sociopath who imported naked pictures of me to his computer while I was passed out drunk. When I broke up with them he sent them to all of my friends and family on my Myspace page (yes, it was that long ago) and also posted me on craigslist as a prostitute. Thousands of phone calls later from strange men mad because I wasnt returning calls finally ended when I had him arrested.

5. And yes, I was the girl who dated the infamous guy front DE who faked his own death. We traveled all across the country multiple times during our long distance relationship and when that ended he faked his death. It was… strange .. to say the very least. 

Five facts about your mother

1. My mother was, and still is, the hardest working woman in the universe. She works 2 jobs now in her 60s and when I was a child she worked 4

2. My mother does not have emotions. Well, unless you count anger and disappointment. We adjusted as kids and it’s a lot easier now as adults. I don’t exactly fault her for it anymore, that’s just who she is.

3. My mother would do anything for her family. Despite her lack of emotions I know she loves all of us immensely. If we are ever in need, she is the first one there. Dependable beyond belief… but you better believe she’s bitching about it the whole time

4. Her favorite movies are hocus pocus and the birdcage 

5. She’s never been with another man after her and my father divorced and she never will be in the future. She simply likes being alone

Five facts about your father 

1. My father is a character. He has stories for days and has lived an insanely colorful life. He’s slowed down now that he’s older but he’s still got crazy antics. Right now it’s get rich quick schemes and he recently bought an inflatable lemonade stand that he is utterly convinced will have him rolling in the money.

2. My earliest memories of my dad are of him being sick in bed from drug and alcohol addiction

3. If you forget to wish my father a happy birthday or greetings on a holiday he will remove you from his life and not allow you back in until you apologize.

4. I think I get my “bad genes” from dad… the addictions, the mental illness, all the really good stuff. Thanks dad!

5. My dad is covered in tattoos and that’s probably why I’m covered in tattoos

Five facts about your sibling

1. I have two sisters, one older and one younger, and one half brother a year my senior

2. I had no idea my brother existed until I was 14. My dad broke the news by saying “now listen, I’m only telling you this because you’ll be going to the same school soon and I dont want you two fucking and having kids with arms coming out their forehead… you have a half brother, his name is j”

3. My brother died of a heroin overdose last month.

4. When my parents divorced when I was 11 I raised my youngest sister so my mom could work 4 jobs to support us. She was always my little baby

5. My older sister and I did not get along at all as children. She was pissed she was no longer the only child and took it out on me forever

Five facts about your house

1. My whole deranged family lives in one house… yes, my divorced parents bought a house together oh about 9 years ago. My dad lives on the first floor with his girlfriend. My mom lives on the second floor, me, A and the kids live on the third floor, and my younger sister lives in the basement.

2. I loved the house during the initial walk through because it has stained glass windows

3. We have a decent sized back yard so we have lots of gatherings in the summer. My dad still comes to all of my mothers family functions (all relatives on his side are deceased) so it’s never been weird. Usually outsiders are weirded out by the situation but to us its normal life.

4. A thinks the house is haunted but I just dont have that feeling. I feel like I would just KNOW and I’m not getting any tingles

5. A and I are in the process of saving money so we can buy our own home, hopefully within 5 years 

Five facts about your niece or nephew 

This is going to be short

1. I have one nephew, G. He is three years old

2. My older sister is pregnant with his brother and due this August.

3. I don’t see them too often because they live a good distance away but a big part of me feels it’s because my sister and I have very different parenting styles and she is incredibly vocal about it. She shelters G in a tiny bubble where hes not allowed to get dirty or really play with other kids. Shes very crunchy and gives him an exclusive gluten free diet with tons of regulations. Meanwhile my kids are in the back yard eating fistfuls of mud and snorting sugar cane off the dogs back

Five facts about your education 

1. From k-12 I attended public school in one of the richest towns in CT. The school system is phenomenal but there are class wars between the obscenely rich and the poor. We were of the latter variety.

2. I did well in school until HS when I realized I didn’t have to go to class. I was suspended constantly for ditching or for smoking on school grounds. It was rough but I managed to graduate on time

3. I attended college for a few years but dropped out after a stint in rehab in the middle of a semester. I couldn’t catch up so I gave up and that is one thing I regret 

4. In college I took every type of English class I could… I could not get enough. I did extraordinarily well in all of these classes as they were so much fun for me. Until i dropped out my GPA was a 4.0 and I was very proud of that considering how shitty i did in HS

5. Kind of related.. we now live in the next city over so I pay for my daughter to attend public school where I did. The opportunities are just too vast and I didnt like her school in our district. I pay out the ass every month but man is it worth it

Five facts about your job

1. I started my job at 17 years of age, 17 years ago

2. I do cold food preparation and baking at a nursing home/rehab facility 

3. I start work at 5am which means I’m up at 4am every day. This pains me like you wouldn’t believe and is the main reason why my call out history is so extensive 

4. My new boss, who is a slob of a man, started last year and we were instant sworn enemies. After I called the union on him he became my best friend. Now hes so comfortable with me he consistantly tells me about his sex life and asks about mine. I’m so creeped out by it I dont know how to respond except for a lot of nervous laughter… which isn’t the right approach but I know if I say something to him he will start making my days hell again

5. One of the only reasons why I stay where I work is because it’s a coveted town position, I get paid a lot considering the work I’m required to do, I have a pension, 401k, and great medical/dental

Five facts about your pet

1. My rat terrier chihuahua Thor is a huge dick. I mean just a complete asshole in every sense 

2. Our mutt Winston died last year when he swallowed my daughters hamster and it got stuck in his intestines. So I guess the hamster died last year, too.

3. We have a fat cat named bella and she is amazing. Such a mild tempered chill kind of cat. She has the funniest meows. 

4. I don’t want any more pets. When ours pass over the rainbow bridge THATS IT. unless of course I can get my hands on a hairless cat or hairless Guinea pig. In that case I’ll take 10 of each, thank you

Five facts about your town or city

1. I grew up in a wealthy affluent town filled with snobs and generally ugly house wives 

2. I am now in a diverse city and it’s much easier

3. Truman Capote went to my hs 

4. We’re experiencing a huge opioid crisis here and so many people I grew up with are now dead 

5. Everything in town closes by 7. Rubish.

Five facts about you right now

1. FACT: brown eyes, brown hair, 5‘2, smol body

2. FACT: I get depressed when bigger women wish to be smaller because I’m a smaller woman wishing I was bigger. I just want to be a real woman and not shop in the juniors section any more

3. FACT: I want to quit smoking but I genuinely enjoy it. I have the patch at home sitting on the bathroom counter

4. FACT: my favorite show is obviously the office. I love black mirror, the Simpson’s are on every night from 6-8, I just started castle rock, I loved season 1 of stranger things, I’m a walking dead warrior, and I’m open to all of your suggestions TV or movie

5. FACT: I sitting in a dunkin donuts parking lot sipping iced caramel macchiato while I write this. I get exactly 1 hour between work and day care allllll to my self, glory be to god