May 27, 2019-- Something good in Letters to my Friend

Dear Friend,

I wonder if I’m back to being bitter. I’ll try to not be. My experience in the past has been that once I get to a good state, I might dwindle back and forth but if I has got to a good state at least once, it makes it easier to get back to that state. It’s like half of the work has been done once I achieve that “good state”.

So yeah, I’ll try not to get back to being bitter. I think it’s possible. I still miss you but I’m trying to tell myself that it’s better this way (I don’t think you’ll come back). I wonder how I’m going to deal with this, but then I thought… I thought, no matter how I would eventually manage to deal with this, something good about this (there were 1001 good things that happened because you were in my life, but this is just one of them) is that I finally learned to miss someone.

I’ve never missed someone like I’m missing you right now. It’s weird. When I was 17, I left and went abroad for the first time ever in my life, all the way across the pacific ocean, by myself, and I wouldn’t come back home for another 9 months. I was on a high school foreign exchange trip to America.

And people would be asking if I miss my home, my family. It was really weird but I didn’t. I was concerned for them, sure. I was sad that they were sad and they missed me, sure. I do care about other people’s feelings. But I never MISSED someone. I just didn’t. Because I never let myself being emotionally dependent on someone. Sure I had help in other aspects beside emotions, and I was grateful for the good things in my life, but I never had someone I could trust my feelings with. Never, until I met you. I was 23 then. 2.5 years later, now I’m almost 26. I think it’s a good thing that I finally was able to let down my guards. Now I’m ready to cry over and over again because I miss someone.

It doesn’t matter how I’ll eventually deal with this, it is still a good thing. I feel less like a “heartless” person. “Heartless” doesn’t mean that I didn’t care for people’s feelings, because I usually did, but that I was unable to be vulnerable, to become so attached (and I mean being attached out of love rather than out of fear), to accept the risks of losing someone only so that I can reveal all of myself to this person.

It has happened once. It can happen again. This has been your great gifts to me, one among many. So yeah, these days I’m just trying to be patient for an opportunity for it to happen with a real life relationship. Whatever may happen, at least I learned to let myself be helped/loved.

Love,
Your fangirl.

(I feel guilty– here’s the site with image I borrowed here)