A day living with emotional intensity disorder in Chaos

I wake up.

I’m still exhausted from another night of tossing and turning all night. I usually wake up at least 6 times throughout the night.

I force myself to get out of bed to get the kids ready for school. If it weren’t for them I’d never get up.

So far besides being tired I am feeling calm.

I go wake up my kids and start getting them ready for school. Things start off smoothly until they slow down and I have to tell them repeatedly to go get dressed or brush their teeth or brush their hair. I start feeling annoyed. My thoughts start spiralling and I start thinking that they are intentionally trying to start something. I take a couple deep breaths because I don’t want to lose my cool.

It’s 2 mins before the bus comes and my oldest isn’t ready to walk out the door. I become irritated because she had 45 mins to get ready but for whatever reason is still not out the door. I start to snap and tell her she needs to get out the door now and that she needs to get up earlier. She leaves slamming the door behind her.

Now the guilt sets in. I start thinking that I’m a horrible mother. I shouldn’t have snapped at her. I’m being unreasonable. I start to worry that she hates me, and doesn’t think I love her.

I obsess over this all morning. I feel like a failure which has now made me put off doing simple things like laundry which then adds to my guilt.

If it’s a particularly bad morning I will sleep for awhile because it’s my escape. I wake up and I’m feeling a bit more rested so I’m able to tackle my errands and get laundry done.

I text my friend.
I don’t get a response.
I start questioning whats wrong. Have I done something? Are they mad at me? Maybe they don’t want to talk to me anymore… I start feeling hurt and angry and then defeated.

My kids come home from school and we talk or hangout and watch tv or go outside.

After I get the kids to bed which is always a battle I spend some time with my boyfriend.

We sit quietly watching tv. I look over at him and he seems mad. I ask him whats wrong and he says nothing is wrong. My thoughts automatically go wild. I start feeling like he’s upset with me. I try to figure out what I’ve done. I can’t think of anything I may have done. I begin to worry that he’s tired off me and that he’s going to leave. I start feeling panicky and wonder if I should leave him before he leaves me. These thoughts keep racing in my head while we continue to sit quietly.

He notices that I’m bothered and will ask me what’s wrong. Now I say nothing. I say I’m fine even though there’s a war going on inside my head. He tells me that he loves me. He makes sure to remind me of this every chance he gets. I start to calm down but then I feel ashamed for doubting him. I start thinking he deserves better.

I go to bed and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.