but mostly sour in 2019

12:57pm

Well look at that - another Monday.

There’s plenty to say but already an hour has gone by and I haven’t written a word. I’m in a weird headspace today. I don’t know what it is. Fluctuating hormones, I’m sure.

I celebrated my birthday this last weekend, on Saturday, and that was nice. We haven’t had people over to hang out since last year so we’re just now getting back into that swing of things. It was different. Not like it usually is but whatever. It was still a good time and I laughed a lot! =)

I definitely over did it with prepping for the party and aggravated my ankle so that was bothering me by the end of the night. The neighbour’s did end up having a “party” over at their house after mine so I spent some time there after my guests left. It was nice but like I said, just too much stuff going on especially with birthdays and mother’s day and what not.

Things with the neighbour friend are kinda weird right now so that’s probably contributing to my mood. I don’t even know what’s going on there. Every thing seemed fine last weekend other than getting a weird thumbs up as I was walking out the door. He was passing out anyway though so it wasn’t a big surprise. Then Monday we had a convo about the kinds of girls he likes. It was a joke thing from something on Sunday. On Tuesday I tried talking to him because I was all bummed out about my doctor news, but I was getting one-word answers and it just made me feel worse. Then Wednesday morning he sent a text, “you miss me yet.” And it shouldn’t have but it made me upset. What the hell? I mean I tried talking to you and you blew me off now you’re asking if I miss you?? I didn’t know what to respond and I procrastinated and missed my response window. So for probably the first time I didn’t answer within a reasonable time. I did actually send a text back that night and I made a joke about still thinking about it and him missing me. It was late so I figured I’d get a reply in the morning but nope. He didn’t say another word all week and neither did I.

By the time Saturday rolled around I thought he’d send a message or something to test the waters and see where we were at. He’s done that before and I’d already invited him to the party and he’d confirmed. But by the early afternoon everyone was there and I still hadn’t heard anything from him. H said he’d sent him a text early and it took him a long time to respond. Then I heard him talking to him on the phone and he said he’d just woken up. H said he sounded grumpy and I heard him tell him to come over. A little before 5 o’clock he finally called my phone. I was playing music so I heard it start ringing and got up to check. He asked something about what I liked to drink and I told him he didn’t have to bring anything to just come over. He said something about taking a nap and I told him H mentioned it and it was like an hour ago. According to him he fell asleep again. I said he should hurry up and he said it would take him another hour. He lives like 25 minutes away. shrug Whatever.

He did eventually show up and I think it probably was around 6 [the party started at 2]. I heard his truck and stupid me was trying to make sure I looked nice or whatever. It took him forever to walk over and I was inside when he got there so I missed introducing him to everyone and every thing. When I walked out he barely glanced up at me and said “hi” as I said “Hi best friend.” He ate some food and when I went to pick up his plate he said he was done and that it was “alright.” Like damn, ok. I threw the plate away and could kinda hear them laughing but IDK what was said.

Silly enough I’d been waiting for him to cut the cake. And he ended up leaving with H not long after because they got a message that one of their friends was next door. So I guess that was cool. I mentioned it to him yesterday. Well a little that night but more so yesterday while we were sitting outside. I basically said something about how he just showed up to eat and didn’t even hang out. He made some excuse or something and I got quiet. It hurt my feelings though. Because I was kinda interested to see what he’d be like around different people, around my people, and when he’d called me about it after the invite he seemed pretty enthusiastic about being there. Whatever though. It’s done and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I’m starting to realize that this is probably going to turn into a waste of my time. And I made that mistake once before…I don’t plan on making it again.
So maybe I should take this unwelcome opportunity and cut ties. At least the kind of ties that make me want to sit close to him and constantly keep in contact with him.

I sent him a text last night, after I got home, that said something about missing him now even if he’s a jerk. Clearly meant as a half joke with funny emoji, but I haven’t heard anything back. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, especially after last week and this weekend. He was pretty standoffish around me.
[oh, my mistake. I wrote this about 15mins ago and I just received a text. Thought I heard my phone buzz and his name came up on my watch. There’s no words so I assume an emoji, or something I’m not going to go out of my way to check…]

We talked a little off and on, which isn’t out of the ordinary. I didn’t sense any weird vibes, but he was definitely hands off. I mean, there were a couple times. Like on Saturday night I don’t remember him really reaching for me at all. There were some moments where we ended up super close but nothing on purpose. And he did call out to me, “just come over here” from the couch once even with H in the room [he normally only does that if we’re alone] [also at one point we were “arguing” about something and H said something about us getting married already and I laughed and brought up the divorce and he said I’d get married again. I told him I’d only make that mistake once and the friend said he was a mistake I wouldn’t leave and I have no idea why we joke about this sh*t!] and there was a serious amount of staring that night.
Oh, and he did jump up from the couch and walk me home even though he was basically passed out when I left and I didn’t ask. I was walking out the door when I heard someone say “I’m leaving” and other people responding but I didn’t know what was going on in there and just kept going. I got about halfway down the drive when I heard the door open and he yelled “hey” so I waited for him. Made some jokes about him being ok and how he probably didn’t want to get a text from me about not walking me home. He told me a story about this time he walked across his town to dennys while drunk [basically proving he’d be fine] and that was that. He’d turned around to leave but we weren’t even at the door yet so I teased him and he walked back and started jokingly calling out to my mom. He left without so much as a hug though.
And I guess there was one time on Sunday when he messed with my hair after L had done it. Later he was kinda play pulling on pieces of my hair a few times and before he left he walked behind me and poked/tickled me from one side of my back to the other. I felt myself totally lean into him as he stood there for a second. Then he called out my name to say he was leaving and shook my hand. -_- He went to give L and H’s mom a hug and I called him out on the handshake. Of course he said I was lucky I even got that. Which is mostly true. I don’t usually even get that.

So I guess my point is that it’s hard to tell with him. Like I’m pretty sure I should walk away from it but it’s tough. Y’all know I hate letting go of things. I don’t know what he wants but I know I’m not going to want anything casual. He’s made it pretty clear he’s “single for life”, never getting married, and I heard him yesterday make a comment to someone else about never having kids. Which I’d previously heard from L so I knew his thoughts on the subject. It’s kinda silly to waste your time with someone who very clearly doesn’t want the same thing. Not that I want all that right now but I’m not ruling it out the way he seems to be.

Although, I did catch him one time say something about how he was going to be like the dad on TV giving a speech about beer at his daughter’s wedding. I could tell he caught himself saying it too but it was already out in the universe. hah. Too late.

I just don’t want to sit around trying to get to know him, and get closer to him, if he’s really not into it. I don’t want to get all hippy here but I can tell that I’m pretty into him in a subtle kinda way. Like subconsciously, even when I’m trying not to, I catch myself turning into him, towards him, leaning in close, facing his general direction. Stuff like that. Sometimes I’ll notice myself doing it and I’ll readjust because he’s not doing it at all and it crushes me a little.

Things just don’t match. His words and his actions are different and I don’t know what to believe. I want to give in but I want to pull so far away before I hurt myself again.

In the end I guess all I can do is play it by ear. I won’t see him for a couple weeks and I’ll try to use every ounce of willpower I have to stop texting him a million times. We’ll see what happens. Basically I just need to stop chasing someone if they don’t want to be caught. I keep ending up in these situations and I’m too stubborn to get myself out before it’s too late.

I need to do better. I need to make some changes in my life. Not only in regards to this kind of emotional stuff, but my overall health and wellbeing. I think I got the kick in the pants I needed but I’m working my way up to it slowly.

Slowly but surely I always say.

rose.
4:45pm