At Little Beaver State Park they had a Migratory Bird Celebration. I text my husband Talan asked him please take me. It is a free event. They had red tail hawk, kestrel, an owl and an eagle. I had no idea where he went after all the hell i caught from him and my mom i just appreciated the silence. I took pictures and thought about all the tears i cried. How today i debated on throwing myself out of a moving car for a moment of peace. I couldnt handle the abuse anymore. I took pictures of the birds with tears in my eyes realizing how close i was to suicide earlier.
My dad died in December of a heart attack mom swears he committed suicide. I believe it was an accident. I often cry because not only did i love my dad but after years of abuse he changed. He became the dad i knew him to be. The last 6 months of his life he gave me hope i could have the family i always wanted. The moment of peace before he died leaving me with a suicidal mother who screams at me threatening to leave me honeless. A husband who cusses me demanding me to commit my mother to a psych unit. She is on medical leave seeing a psychiatrist.what else can i do?
My mom threaten to take away the money we borrowed from her for rent. She said she didnt care if we were homeless or not. Talan got on the phone with my mom as soon as she heard his voice she backed down. Talan is trying make me to move to Virginia i dont want to go. Please mom dont take my home dont make me move away. I know your name is on the mobile home deed too but you cant sell it without my permission.
Talan cussed me out throwing phone at me. I thanked mom for the hell i am going have to endure because she pissed him off. She dared him to say what he had to say to her face. Mom was crying saying she wants me at her house. I asked her if you want me there why the hell do you chase me away?
Talan only got $100 this week. His phone broke. Due to his work calling him in using a phone he spent his almost entire paycheck replacing it. Here we are struggling again. Ollies only gave me 10 hours this week. I am doing job applications.
Talan said my brother and sister in law needed to die in a fire. He said i needed to beat my mother. I needed to visit a psychiatrist. Dad probably did suicide to get away from my pain in the ass family. He said we should have never married he threaten to move home..i cried telling him i cant help what him and mom does. I cant help he is mad at her. He told me i wasnt woman enough to commit suicide. If i was woman enough i would be rotting with my father.
After dad died in December i stayed up all night texting the crisis hotline. Holding a gun looking at it while my mother slept on the bed beside me. I debated on killing myself but i thought death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I put the gun back under the couch cushions i promise myself life would get better. Life hasnt got better only worse. Talan and my mother’s bickering between each other and taking it out on me drives me closer to suicide. I dont do it because with time it will get better.
If my tears would fall like rain i could have drowned the world by now. I have no insurance to see a psychiatrist no one to talk to but this diary. This diary is my therapy. I am grateful to have a place to discuss life so i can make it through.
I lied to my mom that i worked today so she would quit calling complaining. Talan went to his friends house. Today i cried in Burger King parking lot writing in my diary eating. I ate some chicken nuggets, 2 cookies and i am drinking a frozen coke.
My husband Talan said i am to chicken to blow my brains out with his gun. I dont know if dad really committed suicide or not but i know 1 thing in order to have moments of peace a person must keep running through hell. I miss my dad but i cant bring him back no matter how hard i wish.
I wont give up today. I will cry. With hard work and dedication life will get better. Church tomorrow. Job applications tonight. I am so grateful for a moment of peace from Mom and Talan. I hope Talan spends all night at his friends house so i can get a little sleep.. I hope tomorrow is better.
Last updated May 11, 2019