5/10/2019 in The life I wish I had

I’m glad I met Sarah before I got my money. I played the scenarios out in my head a bunch of times and always came to the same conclusion, someone who cared that you had money and wanted some in an eventual divorce was a broken person. Meeting them before or after you had money didn’t change who they were, it just changed whether they’d be interested in you or not. Still, I’m glad I met her before I could afford to take us all over the world just because.

Travel has always been a funny thing to me. When I was a kid, my parents and I traveled a lot. Never internationally, but around the country. Usually to buy and sell rocks and minerals. So many people think you have to leave the country to see anything cool or special. I have seen so much in this country that is impressive. Sure, nothing here, outside of a theme park, matches the architecture of Europe, or the scale of The Great Wall, but there’s still plenty to see. Lots of culture to experience, smells to smell, waterfalls to see, and little pieces of space where communities of people have found happiness together.

That said, I like that Sarah has that international travel bug and is far better at experiencing cities than I am. See, anywhere I’ve ever been, I can tell you who was there, but less about what was there/what we were doing. People have always meant more to me than anything else. It’s why I have always hated traveling alone. But now I have Sarah, and instead of reliving the dark parts of my past, and the moments I’m ashamed of, I can remember taking her to Dollywood, our week in the cabin in the Smokies, the views of mountains in Montana, Pike’s Place in Seattle, and all the other places we have experienced together. It’s nice to be able to relive memories without a tinge of dread, or doubt, or longing. These are good memories, from a relationship that’s still healthy. I am free of my past, and I’ve been waiting for that for so long.

I do wonder if the change will be permanent or not. I suspect not. But if we were married 5 years, would it last for 1 year after we broke up? Would it last 2? Would it make it through the end of the week? Not something worth worrying about. Don’t focus on the outcomes you don’t want when there’s no indication they might come true.

We’re planning a trip to Italy. Well, she’s planning a trip to Italy. She picks the cities and events, I deal with logistics. Meaning I get the cars/trains/planes/gondolas/etc that get us from A to B, but she figures out what we’re actually doing (museums, food, art, etc). It’s a good separation. Logistics are straightforward, and I don’t do well with subjective tasks. If we get from A to B on time, I get that sense of mission accomplished. I have clearly defined success criteria, and my self-doubt can’t nibble at me for maybe not doing it perfectly somehow.

It’s funny to me how when you’re dating, you can’t be honest about all this shit. What’s broken in your personality and how you get around it. Instead, both sides are supposed to pretend they’re perfect until someone cracks first, and then they’re supposed to decide the facade was good enough to tolerate what they see through the crack. You can’t see my head spinning in circles at the sheer stupidity of the logic of that. If I facepalmed with force equivalent to my feelings of it’s dumbness I’d crack the planet apart.

We still haven’t gone on a cruise, but I’m saving that for our wedding. I know, cruise weddings are cliche. Idk, the idea of doing one before we’re married is growing on me. Really I just look forward to making love to the rocking of the waves. Considering that cruise ships are engineered specifically to NOT rock, it is probably best we take our wedding boat adventures in a decidedly smaller craft. :p It’s also worthwhile to make sure we both don’t get motion sick. Wouldn’t that be a hoot…freshly married, horny as hell, and greener than spinach. Hah!