physically weak in Songs

I slept until the last minute today. Even still I managed to change pants 3 times before falling out the door. I slept late because I stayed up late, in some murky zone that was restless and angry and sad. I got teary in bed thinking about how having PTSD from a couple seemingly momentary events has impacted my life tremendously. It is my belief that if I weren’t living this way I’d have continued to achieve success in school, be able to get out of bed mornings (which would have been a life-changer in my college days), not wasted time on sad sexual compulsions. I’ve spent so long trying NOT to wonder who I would’ve been. To me that was a useless exercise, doomed for inaccuracy and designed to make me feel broken. That may have some truth, but I never even allowed myself the thought. Maybe I wasn’t ready.

Regardless, I’m here now, as me, who has been thru what I’ve been thru and trying not to call myself damaged… because I don’t think that’d be productive.
I should though, feel the anger and sadness for a life cut short of someone who I’ll now never be.

I also got my period today, earlier than I expected. I almost expected myself to be pregnant just because I feel like everything is crazy and I’ve been feeling mildly sick for months.

Here are some things about where I’m at:
I started picking my nose this winter. I’ve never been against it and would indulge from here and there, but this winter my nose went crazy and now I’ve the habit in my muscle memory.
I think cucumbers make me burp.
I got a bouquet of flowers from work today :) … because they were left over for an event though, no, I didn’t do anything to earn them.
Vaping a decent amount of weed these days. I love the vape.
These past weeks I’ve been smoking more than usual and need to absolutely Watch Out For That.
I got my thyroid ultrasound finally. I had been feeling so hot and nauseous in the night, day leading up to and after it. I think I was anxious. My doctor called and I do have thyromegaly and some little nodes. They cared so little on the phone that I’m not worried. I just have to check up on it every year now I guess. lol?
Like I said, I’m vaping a lot of weed. Just got distracted and ordered myself general tsos chicken to celebrate getting my period and JH being out for dinner.

So gotta go pick that up now.