sour and sweet in 2019

6:09pm

I keep wanting to sit down and write, but then I seem to keep having this feeling on Monday evenings. I’ve been working Mondays at the office and then I basically go home, eat dinner, and sit on the couch. Also, I’ve gotten back into the habit of taking my shot on Mondays so that doesn’t leave much time. They tend to make me super tired and low energy so it’s hard to write after that. We’ll see how it goes tonight. I really want to get some thoughts out.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning. That should be interesting. I don’t expect to hear much in the way of news. Although I did finally get my hip x-ray done last Tuesday. That was an experience in itself. Basically I called to see if I needed an appointment, she told me the wait was like 15-20 minutes and she’d put a note that I was coming in. The only thing she didn’t realize, and I didn’t tell her, was that I’m at least 45 minutes away and I still had to shower. I moved as quickly as possible and made it out there about an hour later. I mentioned to the lady that I’d talked to someone about coming in but also told her I was willing to wait even though she was giving like hour/hour and half wait times. Oh well. I was already there.

Didn’t take long. They took me back maybe like half an hour later along with another patient. I changed into one of those stupid gowns and went straight to x-rays with a lady in an arm brace and a mask on her face. That was reassuring. heh. Maneuvering my hip around to get the pictures was pretty uncomfortable and definitely left me sore the rest of the day. After they finished they [her and an assistant] both left the room and left me lying on the table with those lead covers for a while. I felt like they’d forgotten about me for a minute there. But the assistant eventually came back and said I was good to go. So maybe like 45 minutes total to get out of there. Not bad.

We’ll see how it goes tomorrow. Other than that I don’t expect any other news. Probably continue with the same ol’ stuff. I am quite tired of shoving these needles into my leg though.

I finally got to see the neighbour friend on Saturday. Apparently he’d been there Friday too but I didn’t go over. I’d gotten home late that night and L invited me over for a drink since she’d just gotten home as well. I’d seen a bunch of cars there but she ended up saying it was just them and the friend. I asked if she was going to drink with me or ditch me [she’s been disappearing lately] and she said she wasn’t sure. That was the excuse I needed to convince myself to stay home. She didn’t say anything else and no one else did either so home watching LivePD it was.

On Saturday I spent the entire morning/early afternoon shoveling all the rocks that were still in the front yard to various places in the back. We’re having people over so we wanted to get it out of the way. This way I can move my truck up and have more space in the driveway. It was a lot of hard work but we made it all the way through the pile! We’d done a little the morning before and a little more the day before that. It was so nice to finish!

I heard L come out of the house before we finished and we were talking about how they might bbq and we’d already wanted to make enchiladas. So by the end of the afternoon we’d decided on making them and taking them over after church. There was a car there when we got back, turned out to be H’s brother, and then as we were getting ready I heard the neighbour friend arrive in his loud truck. The food was ready just after 7 so we took it over and all had dinner together. Turned out super good too so that was nice!

All the days and moments tend to blur together, probably because I spend so much dang time over there with the neighbours, so I won’t go over the day step by step as much as I’d love to. haha. There are so many little moments between the neighbour friend and I that I wouldn’t even know how to type them all out. It was pretty nice to see him again. He didn’t talk to me immediately because I came in through the back with the food and he was sitting on the couch. Eventually he turned around and said hi. He’s kinda like that though so it doesn’t bother me. He warms up to me eventually, and probably more so after my mom leaves. haha. 😉 He’s doing this thing right now where he seems to have trouble keeping his hands off me. And I’ll fully admit to being into it! 😏 At this point I expect him to poke me, or push me, or mess with me in some sorta way. He really is that kid on the playground pulling my pigtails. 🤦‍♀️

On Saturday it was poking me in the arm despite my saying that I was super sore, which was only half true. It wasn’t so bad, surprisingly. And I knew he was going to continue to poke me anyway. He was standing next to where I was sitting at the counter and he did end up putting his arm around me saying “I sorry”. I just started laughing and pushed him off me after a bit. Joked about his being his 5% sweet since we decided he’s 95% sour. He said I was lucky because he’s normally 0% sweet. 🙄

Later I went to sit on the couch but not too close to him. There was more poking and teasing. He tapped me on the head once and later messed with my hair. I joked about how long it took me to fix my hair but couldn’t even say it with a straight face because I barely even brush it. haha. We also started talking nature shows because it turns out we both love them. He ended up showing me pictures on his phone from an instagram page he follows. I told him I was going to start crying especially after the first video was of a baboon eating a live fawn. 😭 I tend to only get emotional when I’m alone anyway. I’m not quite at that level with him.
But we ended up leaning in close to each other so we could both see the phone and boy did he smell really great. swoon Not all men smell good [or I don’t ever notice it] but whatever he wears works. I’d noticed it before and it hit me again when we were leaned in close like that.

We were left alone that night but I could tell that he was trying very hard not to fall asleep. Normally he’s passed out most of the time I’m there but lately he’s been staying awake. He very obviously wanted to be asleep though. I could see it in his eyes. He’s been working six days a week and works so many hours. I felt bad that he was probably staying awake because of me and so I decided to leave. I got up and started cleaning and when I went to leave he told me not to. He asked me to take another shot and I hadn’t had that much to drink so he got up and we had another one in the dark of the kitchen. Then I told him I had to go and left to come home.

I didn’t think he was going to hang out yesterday because he’s been trying to take it easy on Sundays. I saw his truck there in the morning while I was working outside. He left around midday after they’d gone to the store. I thought that was weird since they’d picked up a bunch of stuff. I texted him around 3:30 about cinco de mayo and he asked if I was at his compa’s house. Then we had some back and forth about seeing each other and he showed up not long after I went over. We all drank a bunch of beer and hung out as per usual. hah. Some other friends were supposed to go but didn’t show up.

His thing yesterday was walking by and poking me in the ribcage. It actually took him a while before he started doing it. Warmed up slowly yesterday I guess. 🤷‍♀️ I asked why he poked my ribs and he said it was because I complain about being poked in the arm. Uhh....duh. I’m going to complain no matter what! He didn’t stand so close to me yesterday but I think there was only once that he walked by without poking me. I would push him away and smack him and pull his hands away from me. The day before I’d actually punched him a couple times. Normally I don’t hit him back at all but it’s just our thing now. I guess. I mean I won’t deny that I like when he puts his hands on me. I’m not a robot! 😂 And even if it’s just the poking and messing around I don’t mind. I think that’s his way of flirting? I don’t know. We have this thing going but neither of us is trying to take it any further right now. Like I’m just happy enjoying time with him and not trying to push it to go anywhere.

Honestly, I think there’s a huge part of me that would be too afraid to push it further anyway because I’m still traumatized by the tf thing. By not feeling like I’m good enough for someone and I’m so different than all the other girls out in the dating world right now that I don’t see why you would want to work so hard for me when you can literally go out and hook up with someone within hours.

Not that I don’t think I’m good enough. I know what I’m worth! But guys do have a way of making me feel like I won’t be enough. To be really honest I came home last night and cried a whole bunch. There were jokes about who the neighbour friend would hook up with and it gave me weird emotions and flashbacks to that last disaster. I needed a good cry anyway. It wasn’t just that.

Last night there was one moment where he went to sit on the couch but he sat on the one facing the kitchen and then he was watching me and said, “come over here” but I was getting ready to leave and I know they all need sleep. I joked that he was about ready to pass out and continued cleaning up the kitchen. He kept saying no but he had that blurry eye thing going on [half sleep deprivation half beer induced, I’m sure] and y’all know I’d be far too nervous to go sit by him late in the evening when we’re both tipsy from the beer. I can only imagine why he wanted me to go sit with him! 😳

There’s a lot more to say of course but it’s getting late again. That’s my new favorite line it seems. It’s just that I want to make notes about how I’m feeling and what’s all going on around here. I love being able to look back on this stuff!

And I’m feeling really good these days. Life is going well. I am so grateful for every thing and every one. I know that life works out the way it’s supposed to.

I like that I can enjoy this thing that’s happening with the neighbour friend. I really don’t know if it’ll turn into anything. I’ll say that over and over again. But I like him in a way that’s different and nice. It’s just easy. We see each other and we hang out. We laugh, and joke, and tease. We both seem to enjoy our time together and it works for now. A few texts here and there. Maybe some phone calls. I don’t know how else to describe it other than “easy.” Because I’m not obsessing over it like I normally do. Sure, I think about him a lot but not all the time. And I may or may not fantasize about him using that strength to push me up against a wall some day, but at the same time I’m not so attracted to him that the chemicals are flooding my brain and making me crazy. I guess it just seems like a nice healthy balance.

Perhaps it’s a little of what I want with a little of what I need and I’m perfectly okay with that. I might actually be able to ride this wave and enjoy the adventure without worrying about anything else!

rose.
10:28pm