I wish I could find some community to fit into. Just one. I’m not asking to be popular. Just a few people who like me and notice I exist.
I’ve been trying so hard to fit into an online community (because real-life communities have been inaccessible to me since the Nineties…crippling social anxiety disorder and geographic isolation), any community, for two decades…the same things always happen. Either I’m trolled off by a few regulars, who despise me (while the others just shrug or don’t notice/care), or I’m never noticed at all…I’m just…invisible.
I don’t even go around instigating or causing trouble. Know what my greatest “sin” is when it comes to online socializing?…I’m TOO chatty and sociable. Well…that USED to be my big sin. Now, I’m still far too wordy for everyone’s tastes…but I’ve grown defensive and very easily hurt. The first few sites I was chased off of, way back around 2000, it was because I was too chatty for others’ preferences, then when they started constantly criticizing me, I grew defensive. But I never caused trouble. I never trolled, I never attacked others, I never instigated. I just tried to stand up for myself the way I was always told I should do since I’m such a spineless doormat.
I learned fast, both online and off, that people only mean for you to stand up for yourself when THEY want you to, not when it might inconvenience or annoy them in some way. “Hey, stand up for yourself…as long as it’s not against us and our criticism…and as long as you don’t intend for us to stick around and listen to you do it. Just wait until we’ve moved on and then you stand up for yourself all you like, all on your own, okay…?”
People really just want you to shut up and leave them alone.
I thought I’d finally found a community to fit into after so many years. I THOUGHT that at least some of the users liked me. Sure, there were trolls there, too. There were users who outright parodied my username and posted insulting memes and signed up over and over and over just to try to harass me off the site. (I can type that so casually because this is a common occurrence for me. I’ve somehow attracted trolls and stalkers–the hateful, “Get the **** off this site!” kind only–for nearly twenty years. Again, not because I’m an instigator or troublemaker, but because I’m just too wordy and too easily hurt. I guess I’m just a walking target.) And there were a few non-troll users who made it clear they despised me, mostly because I stood up for myself when they tried to mock me. But there were also some users who liked me (at least, I thought), unlike on all the other sites I tried to fit in on where nobody gave a **** about me, so that made the trolling and insults tolerable. It made it worth staying. I thought finally I belonged.
I hung out there for about seven years. I’ve NEVER lasted anywhere near as long as that, anywhere. But, just as with every other site where I was noticed at all (as opposed to just being invisible to everyone, which happens far more often, will almost certainly happen here, too), I wore out my welcome. Was too longwinded and whiny. (I hate being so whiny. But how do I become otherwise when nobody cares about my rare positive posts, and 95% of my life is loneliness, rejection, and pain? I LITERALLY have nothing non-whiny to share that anyone else would notice. I know, because back when I used to blog, my positive entries got maybe 1-2 hits and no comments, while my negative entries got maybe 5-6 hits and no comments. PEOPLE WERE LITERALLY READING MY BLOG FOR THE WHINY ENTRIES.) A few users, whom I’d THOUGHT liked me, made it clear (although I’m sure they thought they were being polite) that my posts were annoying and I should stop sharing them.
I apologized and promised to stop whining. But that really, really hurt. So I haven’t posted since. It’s been just shy of a month now.
And not one person has noticed or cared. I lurk (my logged-in status is invisible) and not even in the private group I belong to, whose members I THOUGHT liked me, has anyone noticed or made even the slightest mention about me falling silent. They keep chatting about other things. But nobody’s noticed that I’m no longer talking.
It’s more likely actually that they HAVE noticed…and are just glad not to have to scroll past my ****ty posts anymore. Good riddance to whiny rubbish, I guess.
I hurt so much. I’m so lonely. Nobody, no place, wants me. I know I’m whiny and negative and annoying, but I don’t deliberately cause trouble (people only get worked up when I defend myself), I don’t insult others, I don’t instigate stuff, I don’t tear other people down, I try to be a decent person. I see people who are the opposite of all that fit in all the time. Just never me, I’m never good enough. I’m negative and people hate it (even on generally negative sites), I try to be positive and people ignore it. No matter what I am, people just naturally hate me, or can’t even see me.
I want to be wanted somewhere. Liked. Just one place. Why can’t I fit in in just ONE place? 😞
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