Being honest with myself, I have a problem. in All Out of Balance

I am in a new relationship that I don’t know how to navigate. The problem is I tend to run when my emotions are running too high. I don’t think saying I’m really into him is even enough at this point, but I’ll leave it at that. I’ll start with the messy details.

I was not looking for a relationship nor was I looking for a boyfriend; but I was craving male attention and some kind of romantic attachment. My best friend described it as I need something slightly more serious than a friend with benefits.

I met Cali on Tinder and I met Chicago one night when I was out in the city. Cali and I have been dating for close to 3 months and he most recently called us “lovers”. Chicago who lives 5 states away from me asked me to come visit which will happen in a week; since our connection has really grown as we’ve gotten to know each other over the last 2 months. Cali has another woman that he’s involved with that lives out of state and her and I both know about each other. Cali also knows about Chicago. With all that being said, my issue is my feelings for Cali are starting to feel way too strong and it scares me.

I don’t know what I want anymore and that’s a scary place to be. I haven’t told Cali how I’m feeling because I don’t know what I want out of telling him that my feelings for him have really grown. A part of me was stuck all day with just telling him that I want him in my life as a friend, and the romantic side of us needs to end. I only thought of this as a way to avoid being hurt. I definitely want Cali in my life, and he is so caring and in tune to my feelings that even if I don’t tell him how I’m feeling he’ll sense I’m holding something back and I know it. We have so much fun together and he pushes and supports me the way I would want my partner to. He plans our dates in advance, values my opinion, and takes care of me in so many little ways. I accept him for his flaws and he accepts me for mine. Hence why I can see myself falling for him if I let it happen.

I tend to fizzle out and lose interest around the 6th month mark, but if things keep going like they have been I may not fizzle and then I’m really in trouble.

Now for the rest of the details that make this a messy situation. Cali is in the midst of changing jobs and may be moving out of the city. We haven’t even discussed what long distance could or would look like. Not to mention he had a previous 4 yr long distance relationship that didn’t end well that still takes a toll on him today. I would not even want to tell him how I’m feeling if I wasn’t completely serious or committed to whatever the outcome might be.

To sum up my drama:
-I have real feelings for Cali that I don’t know what to do with
-I’m figuring out what my situation with Chicago really is
-I’m afraid of being hurt, so I’m running from my feelings
-Circumstance may end up deciding for me if Cali moves anyway

Last updated April 29, 2019