Are you even my friend? in All Out of Balance

I have a bad habit of giving my loyalty to others when I shouldn’t. I wish I could say I’m a good judge of character, but lately I question that ability. Trusting my instincts served me well for so many years. I am very self confident, but not so self assured. Some major blows to my self esteem made sure of that, but that’s a whole different story.

Back to the person at hand that has led me to write today. I met L on an online dating app almost a year ago, and we seemed to get along really well. Our first date we met on the beach boardwalk because I told him it was one of my favorite places to go. Fast forward 2 months, and his favor towards me began to fade. I asked him why, and he responded with “I can’t get my ex out of my head.” At that point we became friends instead. The problem here however is that the line of friendship was very blurred. One day we hang out and make dinner, everything is fine. The next he’s in my phone with late night messages of wanting me as more than a friend. I had to put my foot down, if we’re friends let’s just be friends and not some weird hybrid in between.

Our friendship was cool from then on out. He would send me random things to laugh at on social media, and every now and again we would meet up for a drink or just hang out. Mostly we’d chat on the phone and he’d complain about his ex, his job, or being hangry all the time because the man is just now learning how to cook.

Recently, I started seeing this amazing guy that I didn’t really talk about much because we’re not serious and I haven’t figured out what I want just yet. One day on the phone L asked me what I did last weekend, and I told him I had a date. I’m not going to lie, I did start to gush because I of course had an amazing time with my new guy. This was the first time I told L about him, and he quickly realized that I had been seeing this man for a little while.

I was not expecting to hear and/or see hints of jealously out of L. I mean we’re friends, and nothing more. Now all of a sudden he treats me differently, and to be frank controlling and almost rude!

The situation with the gentlemen I’ve started to see is new and non exclusive on both sides. We don’t give each other rules or ultimatums, as we both figure out if this is something real or temporary. I made the unfortunate mistake of sharing some of this information with my so called “friend” L. He came out and said that not only does this man not care about me, he doesn’t deserve me; and further exclaimed that I must not value myself. The first two statements stung, but the third genuinely hurt. These words were painful to hear, and I didn’t even know how to respond. Not because they were true, but because they were meant to be hurtful or to get a rise out of me. Either way, it’s all negative when you look at it.

That was two weeks ago. I decided to let it go, and we somewhat went back to normal. However, last night he decided to be disrespectful all over again. Once my annoyance level had reached its fill I basically hung up the phone.

This afternoon he sends me a snap, just something random from his work day like he normally does. While I sit here and wonder are you just someone toxic I now need to get rid of.