Avoidence in Chaos

Since starting group I’ve come to the realization that Avoidence is my thing..

Instead of dealing with a problem or something that’s bothering me I avoid it. I do this in different ways depending on the situation. If I’m trying to escape how I’m feeling I will usually sleep. If someone upsets me or hurts me I will shut down or ignore them but I never resolve it. This tends to ruin my relationships with people because I am unable to communicate how I’m feeling and eventually I will lose my shit over something so unsignificant and I will push them away.

The thought of opening up and being vulnerable to someone is terrifying. What if they use that moment of weakness against me in the future? What if I let my guard down and let them in just to have them walk away? I can’t handle that.

Very few people actually know the real me. I have spent most of my life hiding who I am that I’m not even sure I know myself anymore. Do I even have an Identity? Or do I just take on bits and pieces from those around me?

Who am I?