Running Into The Other Woman in Musings of an Abandoned Wife

For the past couple weeks my husband and I have been working through it. We’ve decided to put our relationship first for a while and I’ve been so much happier. But I still have moments where I want to snoop. Moments where I want to know everything about everything.

I feel, with as much as he’s been trying, that we will get through this. We’ve made it through everything else. He still gets defensive when I ask questions because in his mind it was nothing. I understand that because some of the things that have been nothing to me were big deals to him.

So I’ve decided not to ask questions or talk about it anymore. Just to focus on us and our family. But hard as I try I can’t help thinking things sometimes. I look at her facebook occasionally and wonder why her? Although I believe when he says nothing physical happened I still can’t help but wonder why he would think that way of this person, of all people.

I also think about all the things I would say to her given the opportunity. I actually typed out a whole message one night. I never sent it, but it is saved in my memos in case I ever feel the need to.

I don’t feel like I should blame her and I feel no need to talk to her. I hope I’m more mature than that. But every once in a while I get the overwhelming feeling of anger.

Anger in the fact that she knows the feelings he shared for her. Furious, raging flames of hate for the look I saw her give him at a school event. Teeth-gritting balls of frustration at the fact that we live in a small town where I have to prepare myself to see her at the only gas station in town because she works there.

I saw her today and she had dyed her hair. Would that normally affect me? No. Did it today? Yes. Because I want her to be ugly and feel bad about herself. Is that nice of me? No. But I don’t feel like being nice today.

She was outside when I pulled up and for a split second I considered turning her into a speed bump. I didn’t. I walked past with my head held high.

I was waiting on a friend to check out while we chatted. She came and took over the register. She smiled at me. Was it a smile that said “I’m sorry I don’t want any drama?” Or a “Haha you bitch your man wants me!” smile? I don’t know. But for me it was a punchable smile. One I could easily knock all the teeth out of.

I’m typically a pacifist. I think all violence can be avoided. And I wonder how long I will feel this rage? When will it go away? Because I hate myself for all this anger and that only breeds more anger.