Inolvidable in 2019

4:19pm

I’m over this work thing. It’s the end of the season and I’m just going through the motions zombie like. I should probably take it easy over the weekend. I won’t have the entire day off but what little I do have I should use to rest up - A.K.A do not go over to the neighbour’s all afternoon and drink like a fish. 😂

I’ll go ahead and blame part of it on the switch in my meds. I mentioned I’m up to my fifth round of shots. Pretty much the only symptom I’ve noticed so far is that I get super tired right after I do the injection. Not that I’m complaining. If that’s the only side effect I am more than okay with that!
Also after my last doctor’s appointment on the 25th we decided to start tapering me off the prednisone. That is my ultimate goal here and the number one reason I started seeing her. Basically every two weeks I’ll go down 1mg until I reach 5 [I started at 10mg] and then I’ll stay on that until my body starts to regulate itself. She mentioned stuff about the ‘adrenal glands’ so I’ve been doing some research on my own. Would be kinda crazy if this little tiny gland was responsible for all the sh*t that’s wrong with me. Apparently the tough part is convincing my body to reawaken these glands and get them working right again so that I can regulate my own hormone levels. I don’t know but it does sorta make sense. I’ve been relying on outside sources to do what I should be doing on my own. Gotta figure out how to do this on my own I guess.

Come on little body! It’s time to get your act together! fingers crossed

In other way more depressing news: they finally cremated my uncle and the first thing on our list after we finish the season is to go and pick him up. Or pick up his ashes I guess. He’s not really there anymore. 😔

Wednesday now -

That trip is going to be really difficult for me. I haven’t taken the time to properly grieve for this loss at all and I have a feeling it’s going to hit me all at once while we’re on the road. We aren’t going to keep the ashes [though I might sneak some away to keep because I’m creepy morbid like that] so I think we’re going to drive around and spread them to the Universe. That’s my thought anyway. I would love to leave a little at all his favorite places but I don’t know. It’s kinda mom’s thing too. She’s the one that’s known him forever and took care of him. I just…man....it’s tough to even think about. I’m not one to cry much in front of other people [I do cry a lot when I’m alone. very cathartic I’ve mentioned] but I have a feeling that I’m going to lose whatever pride I have on this trip and just constantly be in tears. If I stop to think about him, even just for a minute, tears well up in my eyes and I’m not even on that old familiar road yet or holding his stuff in my hands. 🙁

You know what’s weird? Every time I think about this trip all I wonder about is whether or not the neighbour’s friend will be around and talking to me at that time. I don’t even know why! Like just the idea of being alone and not having him to talk to is going to make it worse. Maybe because he’s so good at making me laugh and distracting me from my own thoughts? 🤷‍♀️

He’s being so nice to me right now that I don’t know how to handle it. hah. Yesterday was a pretty rough day. I’m just completely exhausted. I randomly texted him asking if he wanted to switch jobs. I didn’t hear from him right away but once I did his response was, “What’s wrong best friend?” And the fact that he somehow picked up on my having a bad day from “Wanna trade jobs” and then actually asked me what’s wrong? Holy moly. First of all, when was the last time a man did that? And second when the heck has he ever done something like that?!

It caught me off guard when I saw it, but it also seriously made me smile!

I didn’t answer right away because it was busy and so he sent another text [also a surprise!] that asked if I wanted him to tickle me. haha. I made some sarcastic comments about how he was going to call me a sissy and that he should know I don’t like to be tickled and he just said “ok”. I told him that I did like when he was nice to me though and he said he was trying. And he really is. Even this morning he said that the reason he didn’t want to trade jobs was because I’m good at what I do and there’s no reason to switch. It’s all such simple words but the way he says it comes off so sincere and sweet. Perhaps I’m reading it completely wrong but who cares. It’s working for me. haha!

Although I did tell him to stop and asked who he was and what he’d done with el compa. =P

I don’t know what to do here honestly. I’m talking about him enough that it’s pretty obvious I’m enjoying what’s happening. I didn’t expect to be dealing with any of this right now at all. Not with him or with anyone else. It’s crazy because despite the fact that I’ve mentioned him a hundred times in here and I’m constantly thinking about him - I’m really not overthinking it at all. I don’t feel like I’m overanalyzing it or obsessing about it the way I usually do. It just feels different than with anyone else and I don’t know how to put those differences into words yet.

It really feels like we’re getting closer, and starting to connect on a different level, but I haven’t known him all that long. I might have met him before but I count the turning point as New Years Eve and that was like three months ago! I don’t want to move too fast but I wonder if I can stop it? Like I want to talk to him ALL.THE.TIME. and I like being close to him. I like the way he watches me when he’s actually paying attention to me. haha.

I think I’d have to spend time with him alone to really know. Like the dude’s gotta take me on at least a couple dates before I decide. hah. Just the two of us with no one else around that we know. Because we’ve been “alone” but with people right in the other room and that’s not the same. I want to know what he’s like around me when it’s just him and I. Is he going to be on his phone the whole time? Are we going to be able to have a real conversation? Will it be on a deeper level than just small talk bs?? Or will we just stare at each other with nothing to say? I worry about that a lot. That we don’t actually have anything to say to each other. So I would definitely have to find that out before we even thought about taking this anywhere.

Even then, where do we take this? Are either one of us actually looking for anything?
I have this idea in my mind of how I want this whole thing to go [with him or with anyone ever] and it’s funny that I don’t feel nervous at all at the thought of telling him. I was always so damn nervous about it with TF. I guess because I knew it would ruin what we had and I wouldn’t be able to enjoy that anymore. Although in the end it didn’t matter because I never said anything and it was ruined anyway.
But with this guy I’m not nervous at all. Not about telling him how I’m feeling, or what I want, or that I’m probably way too traditional Catholic for him. It doesn’t seem to freak me out at all.

And I wonder, is that because I’m not afraid to lose him…or because I don’t think he’ll run away? 🤔

Then, [because as an introvert/INFJ I do actually overthink everything] I start to think that if something were to magically happen between us then a lot of stuff would have to change in my world. Like can I still realistically disappear to Alaska for a month with CK? haha. That might be a little awkward. Are guys typically ok with girls having mostly male friends? Something I’d have to ask I’m sure.

Not that anything’s going to happen. I’m totally playing it by ear. And mostly right now we seem to kinda sorta be into each other when we’re both drinking at the neighbour’s house. haha. Usually by Tuesday/Wednesday we run out of stuff to text and don’t talk again until Sunday. 🤷‍♀️

It doesn’t matter. Just getting thoughts out. Stuff to contemplate.

rose.

Last updated April 04, 2019