Welcome to My Own Private Hell in Life in the Lost Lane...

How can life just go so out of control without me even realizing it? Feeling just lost again, like this is my life, going well until it doesnt. Lost all over again. Do i not deserve happiness? A husband that cares for me, why is it that im betrayed over and over again. Maybe i am just put on this earth to be my baby’s Mommy. I guess im doing one thing right. Finding out that after we brought the baby home that he wanted a separation because he’s not happy with me, of course im going to lose my shit, in the span of 2 years i have dealt with getting the shit beaten out of me and dealing with the repercussions from that, having time lapses because of seizures which i have gotten because of being beaten, having pregnancy brain and having the stress of a baby that has medical issues. Being told that i was told over and over again, with no reelection of any of it. Feeling betrayed because now hes got a girlfriend, how am i supposed to feel? Im told that i dont have any right to feel mad or sad or anything because its my fault.

I checked out during pregnancy, no doubt about that, but to just give up. I didnt give up on him when he was incarcerated, it wasnt always happy then but i told him that he was worth it and has always been worth it. So now im viewing him as everyone else thats ever left me. Why would i think that he would be any different. I guess im just meant to be the best Mommy to this little boy and to hell with men. Teach my child that peoples feelings matter and that everyone deserves better. Not to go and betray others that you supposedly loved and pretend. Like i cant even, im just so messed up right now, i cant, i feel like a 100% failure, worthless and a fuck up. And then im bossed around and being told what i am going to do and what i am not going to do. He would tell me he loved me out of habit and then still try to take care of me. He would get mad at me when i would tell him to let me do things on my own. You cant have your cake and eat it too. But hey lets have your girlfriend come to the hospital and see our kid because you want her there. Yet you couldnt even wait for me to move out of the house. Ive been at the hospital every day, not going to the house because i live at work and live at the hospital. It kills me to leave him and you just come for visits but whatever. And when im upset and want to call into work, im a shitty parent and i get yelled at.

Maybe the only way to salvage my sanity is to go and just stay quiet. Im exhausted from him picking fights and just feeling like crap. Im lost and my life is just face planting on the ground. I just dont understand, people say im the best and have a huge heart, but i feel anything but, they tell me im strong for going through this all on my own for the last 2 months, people are surprised that we are separating. Hell i dont know if we’re divorcing or just separating while he sews his oats or WTF. But no matter what i do, im always in the wrong, sad thing is i would take him back no matter what. Because this relationship is different for me, than anyone of my other ones have been, this is the one that should have lasted and it didnt, all because he gave up. Hes just shown me that im not worth anything.