with best friends in 2019

1:29pm

Well, I had quite the day yesterday.

It’ll be my last day off for a couple weeks so it needed to be productive. I got some various chores done but not nearly as much as I should have. Those darn neighbours are a major distraction. hah.

We ended up cooking and taking food over to their place. Passed it over the fence so the other neighbours wouldn’t see. haha. We really do need to build a gate into our shared fence if this is going to continue!

I’d had plans to go over on Saturday night after they got home but after a text about the beer being in the freezer they both went quiet and I decided not to walk over. Turns out their daughter got into some major trouble and I guess they were dealing with that. So we ended up making plans to bbq on Sunday. Mom wanted to marinate some ribs and have H bbq them. Then yesterday morning we ended up making a pasta dish, beans, and a strawberry pie to also take with us. 😃

I got up about 9 o’clock and had breakfast first. During that I was listening to music and my phone started ringing. I got up to look and it was compa but I hadn’t heard from him since like Wednesday so I decided to just call him back after I was done eating. I called him back and he didn’t answer but then he called again a few minutes later. Hello best friend Yeah, yeah. What do you want. haha. Although I didn’t say that because we’re supposed to be nice to each other right now. He was calling to see what I was up to and I guess ask if I was going to go hang out. H must have told him though because he mentioned the ribs we were taking. So maybe he was just trying to see if we were on good terms. hah. But then we started “arguing” about who was going to get to hang out with the neighbours and who had plans first and then I said, “Ok, I think we’ve reached our limit on being nice. We better hang up.”

Went to work in the yard for a bit after we put most of the food stuff together. Pulled weeds, mowed the lawn again since I won’t have time for a while, and cut some tree branches. Got some sunshine on my skin as well! The neighbours were out back so we were talking to them through the fence and at some point before I even got the lawn mowed L and the kids came over and we sat down for a beer break. The neighbour’s friend got to their house at about the time I went back out to finish the yard. You can seriously hear him coming from like the freeway four blocks away! It’s crazy.

Anyway, finished all that, cleaned up, and went to take a shower and get ready.

It’s always a good time at their house but I think I need to seriously start watching my alcohol intake. I have such a hard time saying no when they’re taking shots! Not even kidding, I was still drunk this morning when I got up. I’ve heard people say stuff like that but it’s literally never happened to me! No hang over at least! But I was still in my t-shirt from yesterday. I don’t even know how I got my pajama pants on. I don’t remember if I brushed my teeth, which I always do no matter how tipsy I am. I know I tried to throw up for a long time because I cannot go to bed drunk. Like I never actually want to throw up but I force myself because I know it’s like an instant cure for me to sober up. It was not going well though. I know my mom kept talking to me through the bathroom door. She was pissed of course. Fueled by the fact that as I walked home L ended up showing up next to me at the door and she was super stumbling and pulling at me. It made me look way more drunk than I was! And she’s so dramatic too. Ugh. If I would have been able to just sneak into the house on my own it wouldn’t have been so bad. But whatever. It is what it is. I’m a grown up [that makes her own very poor decisions haha]. I’m not really worried about it.

Things with the friend went well enough. We were relatively civil to each other. He only called me a little bitch twice, in the same conversation, and mumbled it under his breath as if I wasn’t going to hear. Then we talked about it and how I don’t like that word. He said the worse thing he could call a female would be “cunt” but I’ve had this conversation many times and I honestly dislike the word “bitch” more than that. I don’t even know why. It just sounds cruel.
Now is having that talk with him going to stop him from saying it in the future? Probably not. And it’s ok only because I know he’s doing it as a joke and if I seriously told him to stop I think he would.

But yeah, things were interesting with him yesterday. I’m not even sure what I’m doing with all this but I’m trying not to overthink it. Like he must feel some kind of way about me because he calls to find out if I’ll be around and he stares at me a lot. [Holy cow he just texted me - “I like you” haha Context being that I said that it’s ok if people don’t like me when he said nobody likes quitters about my not drinking around them anymore.] So I guess he feels that way about me.

I don’t know what to do here because I’m not actually trying to get involved with anyone. Y’all know I have major commitment issues. As much as I would like to have a partner I just can’t see myself actually taking that next step. Plus everyone knows I don’t do casual either. It’s gotta be all or nothing and I don’t think I can go all in with anyone at this point in time.

I mean, I’m still trying to figure out if I even like the guy. I don’t think I’m even all that attracted to him. Which is weird that that doesn’t seem to matter so much. It bothers me that he’s so chubby. And yes I’m superficial like that. It’s really not healthy either and I feel like it would bug me more if we were actually together in any sorta way. Right now I can’t say anything because it has nothing to do with me. But if it’s not something he’s willing to change and/or work on then that would be a tough sticking point for me. He does have really pretty eyes at least. =P And I’m pretty sure he wanted to kiss me last night but I didn’t realize it until later. haha. We were all hanging outside and a couple of H’s friends showed up. Compa had been napping on the couch but they woke him up when they got there and he came outside too. I don’t remember what we were saying to each other but one of the first things H says to his friends is that compa and I fight all the time. hah. Everyone kinda chuckled and looked around like they didn’t know what to say. It’s true though. We do “fight” a lot. Yesterday he was calling me his best friend all day though, even yelling it in the house while I was in the restroom and the girls got a big kick out of that.

So we were all outside for a little while and then people started disappearing and not coming back. It ended up just the two of us and he goes, “I think they’re trying to tell us something.” Later L came out dancing/tiptoeing around to get her phone on the bar and was saying something about “setting the mood” and “mood lighting” and ended up turning off the lights so only the bar light was glowing. Silly girl. I wonder if they’re all just waiting for something to happen between us? I don’t think I wrote about it but last Sunday while we were hanging out something came up about our “divorce” and she said that she can’t picture him being with anyone. That he’s always been very independent, never brought anyone over to introduce, always said he doesn’t want a relationship or kids, and she doesn’t think she’s ever even heard him mention a girl. Except I guess he has one long time friend he hangs out with but according to her that’s strictly platonic. I told her that it could be that he tells H about people he’s interested in but they don’t tell her. That’s what I imagine at least. And that was definitely interesting to hear about him.

At some point while we were standing outside we started talking about our text conversation. I don’t even remember how it came up. I think I was giving him a hard time for not talking to me. He picked up his phone to supposedly look at what I was saying, intently stared at it for a minute or two, and then he put it back down without saying anything. I was like, “uhh dude? You were looking for our texts!” and it took him a second to catch up because apparently he’d totally forgotten. Must have been something good he saw on that phone! So he pulled his phone back out and came over close to me to scroll through it. He was saying something about it and I reached over and started scrolling to prove my point that it’s basically all me and he’ll just text an emoji or one-word answer. Then of course because I’m a klutz I tipped over my beer while I was doing this. Luckily it spilled the opposite way and not on his phone!! I would have been mortified! It got all over the bar and a little ran down across my sweater before I picked it up and started laughing. I think he moved away right after that and then he randomly goes, “your hands are soft” or something like that. ha. I think I just stared at him and maybe laughed. I had to consciously think on it and I guess maybe while I was scrolling on his phone I’d reached over and must have had my hand against his. I know he didn’t touch me so that’s the only thing I can think of. And now that I’m typing this up I definitely think it was that because I remember his hand being rough. He does work with his hands all day as a mechanic so makes sense.

I think it must have been before the phone thing that he kept yelling “we’re just f-ing friends so what does it matter?” in response to the hard time I was giving him for not answering my texts. After the phone thing he stood back against the wall and kept telling me to “come over” but I was being lazy and didn’t want to get up from my chair so I just told him to come over to me. We did this back and forth a couple times. Neither one of us ever moving. I think eventually he said something like, “if you’re not coming over then I’m going inside” and I said that was good because so was I and I followed him in while H stared and made eyes at me.
I didn’t realize it at the moment but I think he wanted to kiss me in that moment. Or he wanted to do something! And he was calling me towards him because no body could see us over there but they could totally see me since I was sitting in front of the door and they were standing right inside. Honestly the thought didn’t even cross my mind that he might try something! Or the fact that he wanted to get me away from the window. I basically just thought he wanted me closer since we were talking. 🤷‍♀️ I’m such a dope. haha.

I’m glad I didn’t walk over there though. I don’t know what I would have done if he would have tried something. I’m pretty sure I would have rejected him and it would have made things super awkward between us! It’s not even that I don’t want to kiss him. I’m pretty sure I would. haha. But I’m super awkward! And weird. And it honestly bothers me that he sends crazy mixed signals.

I just want to find a nice sweet guy that doesn’t play games and wants to spend time with me. Said every woman ever. haha.

Anyway, we hung out inside for a while. The guys went to the store for more booze and I should not have agreed to take all those shots with them when they got back. I was having a really nice time and H’s friends were cool. I’ve seriously liked everyone I’ve met so far! Therein lies my downfall because then I get excited and I’m like “yeah! give me all the shots! I can hang!” And I stumble home so drunk that I’m still drunk the next morning when I wake up. Ugh.

I’m gonna sleep like a baby tonight though!

I am glad I left when I did at least! I don’t even know what went through my head. I was just standing there at the counter and then I walked out. I got a text from H some time after midnight [I don’t even know what time I left! But I think it was 11ish] saying he wished he had macaroni but my eyes were too blurry to even read it until this morning. I texted him back and he asked me what happened last night because I disappeared. 😂 I told him I was good at that.

I’ll definitely do better at the drinking thing in the future. I want to have enough to have a good time but not stumble home like that. It’s those damn shots that do me in!

Also, I’ve been good with the texting thing lately so that’s cool. I resisted the urge to text him for the rest of the week. I did send a text yesterday while he was napping because I wanted him to come sit outside with me. And this morning I texted to check if he was alive since they continued to drink after I left and I don’t know what time they stopped. We did pretty good with some back and forth. He was actually replying. Then right before the “I like you” comment he’d initially replied to my text with some laughing emojis. I was going to say something else since we’d just talked about his emoji replies but I choose not to. That other text came about a half hour later which was a surprise because of what it said but also because he replied twice and actually used words! haha. Of course I replied saying that he kinda had to like me since we’re best friends and I didn’t hear anything else. I fully expect to not hear from him again until maybe the weekend. We’ll see how it goes.

At the end of the day I’m happy with the way yesterday went. I got to sit outside in the sunshine. I got to watch this guy bbq and put puzzles together with Dev. I got to drink some good beer and eat delicious food. There were laughs and good times all around. Maybe some flirting? Or at least plenty of staring. And the dude was actually nice to me 98% of the time so we’re making vast improvements!

In other news: I just took my fifth round of shots. I think I figured out how to get it into my left thigh without screwing it up! [oh except the needle slipping and stabbing me in the finger 🤦‍♀️ ] But that combined with my exhaustion from yesterday is causing me to get very sleepy. I’ll probably wrap things up and head to bed now.

rose.
10:11pm