Haircut in Musings of an Abandoned Wife

I went for a haircut. I hoped it would make me feel like myself again. It has been a long time. I’ve been depressed. My hair was actually matted underneath. The poor hair stylist was so professional about it. She took off 6 inches and thinned it out with layers to help me make it more manageable. The whole time I was gone I was texting him. Trying to get him to understand my feelings. He saw my posts on here from his phone. He was upset by the title “abandoned wife.”

He’s right. He hasn’t abandoned me. I’m just so alone that that’s how it feels. I called a friend the other night without wanting to give away details. She could tell I was upset. She told me to let her know if I needed to talk. I really needed someone today. She didn’t answer the phone.

And I’m glad he read my first two entrys. In a way I hoped I would find a way to show him how I felt. Of course it turned into the mistakes I had made in the beginning of our relationship. I know I made mistakes. I was on antidepressants and drinking and I kissed his friend. He saw it. I wasn’t trying to hide it. I’m sure it was more for attention than anything else. I was eighteen when that happened. It was stupid to me but I know how it must have felt to him. I apologized so many times.

About 6 years ago I was texting a guy I worked with. He started hitting on me so I told him I was happily married and if he kept talking to me that way I wouldn’t speak with him anymore. I deleted the messages so my husband wouldn’t see them. He saw them anyway. He’s a master at finding things on my phone. I don’t care about that. I don’t feel I have anything to hide. But from his perspective I’m sure it looked aweful. Especially since he conveniently didn’t see the message where I told the guy I wasn’t interested.

Honestly in both of those situations I was stupidly enjoying the attention of other men. Chalk it up to insecurity. And I’m sure if he’s telling me the truth that this feels the same to him.

So is writing a graphic erotic story where he cheats on me with another woman, then showing it to said woman, the same as what I did? Are there levels to infidelity? We’ve been together for 11 years now. How have I not learned this stuff?

Maybe I’ve matured and he isn’t there yet. I don’t want anyone thinking our relationship is failing. Honestly I don’t want people thinking that because I don’t want to think that. I still love him with all my heart. I still want to be here. I just don’t want to be disrespected. I don’t want to do all the things he wants all the time. I don’t enjoy the things I like because when he’s with me he makes it completely obvious that he isn’t enjoying himself.

I’ve tried finding things to do, being romantic. I planned and prepared a whole date night. I changed birth control methods because the hormones were killing my sex drive. Now I have the drive, and it still isn’t enough. If there aren’t enough blow jobs or I don’t seem enthusiastic enough I’m sure to hear about it later.

Today when I was texting him I told him again that if he stayed home more instead of going to friends’ houses every night I would be more willing. I can’t turn it on on command. I want to spend time with him. That’s what makes me want it. Last time I brought this up he got mad because I was being “controlling” and I wanted to dictate where and when he can go. He thinks I want to keep him home on a leash. That’s not it. I just want time as a family.

I tell him all of this. I tell him exactly what I mean by it. I’m not being controlling but if you want me to put out you have to spend time with me. I’m not a dog sitting at home waiting on him to walk in the door so I can hump his leg.

The reply to that message was “I’m using your card to go get beer.” We were having this long drawn out conversation thst I felt was getting him to understand how I felt and that was the last thing he had to say to me. Like if I ask about him staying home when he wants sex it is instantly a game changer.

But hey, he said he liked my hair.