Random Thought Download in Musings of an Abandoned Wife

I have to get it out of my head. My throat is sore from the talking and screaming. We went at it for at least 6 hours. The conversation fluctuated from quiet apologies and taking the blame to the wild barking of accusations.
He said he didn’t do anything physical. He got drunk and wrote an erotic story about another woman. One in which he used details that were all true. He told her it was make believe and he shouldn’t have done it, but in the same breath he lied about how long he’d been on the site, how he found it, and if he was talking to her on it.
I knew the story was true, at least the most basic parts of it, because he had been telling me the same things just days before. So at what point did it stop being true? I tried to ask questions. He became defensive and told me he was answering them when in reality he was making it up as he went along. If the eleven years we’ve been together has taught me anything it is how to tell when he’s stumbling around in his mind to see if his lies make sense.
I don’t know what to believe. I got some information, but not enough to know for sure. I lean towards believing him, but that’s what I’ve always done and look where we are.
The entire ordeal ended the way it always did. He told me I didn’t give enough blow jobs. And when I commented on how many he’d gotten recently he reiterated the same argument he always has. They weren’t good enough or they “didn’t count” because they weren’t to completion.
I know that she knows that I read the story. I had him text her in front of me to tell her I knew. Her responses were as vague as his. Telling me nothing. I went in to her place of work to see how she reacted. I’m not out to get her. I’m out to get the truth. I just wanted to see the look on her face or find out what she would say to me. I didn’t see her. Mission failed.
But why do I do this to myself? I don’t believe he intentionally does things to hurt me. He does things to make himself feel better momentarily. Like a child. The same I was when we were younger and I made similar mistakes.
I basked in the attention from other men. I told him about it thinking he would want me more. I was a virgin when I met him anr I had to prove to him…or to myself maybe…that I was worthy of his manwhore ways. I was enough to make him stay. It was my own insecurities. I never did anything, but I’m sure he wondered, and still wonders, how far it went.
It never went farther than what he already knows about. But there was no excuse except that I was trying to make myself feel worthy of his love. So who am I to judge what he’s done? Am I even allowed this pain I’m feeling? Am I entitled to feel anything other than pity for him? Maybe not. But I do feel a lot. Insecure. Pain. Betrayal. Embarassment.