panic and run in 2019

11:07am

I want to start typing things but I’m afraid I’ll get distracted and never finish. Today is supposed to be my super productive day but we’ll see how it goes.

There is so much on my mind these days and I don’t feel like I have the time I need to pour it out and process. It’s all kinda cluttered in my head right now and it’s hard to focus.

Mostly it’s about the neighbour’s friend and all the stuff going on there that I did not expect to be going on right now.

Seriously that came out of the blue. I’m not even sure what’s happening. Like it’s just there and we’re talking quite a bit, and he’s getting closer, and I’m starting to panic a little. That’s the real deal isn’t it? That’s what I’m really here to ramble on about and process. We all know that.

Let’s start at the real turning point [and honestly feel free to ignore all of this - it’s for my own good mostly]: So Saturday night I left the entry here to go hang out with the neighbours. I’d previously sent a link to a song for compa to play on his new truck stereo which he’d picked up that day. He replied saying that the song sucked. Ugh. Whatever. As I was walking out the door I replied telling him that I was going to the neighbours because they’d appreciate my musical choices. He almost immediately said, “See you there in a bit.” To which I replied that he wasn’t invited.

Well I totally thought he was messing with me but after I got over there they ended up saying that they were waiting for him because he had the alcohol. Hmm....so he is coming? Whoops. haha. And sure enough he showed up shortly after.

I won’t go through all the details of the night. Not much happened anyway. We watched TV and hung out. Drank of course. And therein lies my downfall. See I made the tragic mistake of mixing vodka with IPA and that was not good. I’m usually pretty careful about these things but I sometimes let go of my inhibition around these people. I was working on my 2nd drink when I got there. I followed that with 2 pretty strong IPAs and by the end of the night was sitting at the counter with compa taking shots of vodka. Joking that I always said the day I took straight shots of vodka was the day I officially became an alcoholic....I guess that day has arrived. =\

At some point H disappeared to the bedroom and L popped in and out a couple times but then disappeared too. So I was left in the kitchen with this guy. Neither one of us actually living there. And every one else had gone to bed. That was so weird.

I really didn’t think I’d had that much to drink, a lot less than I normally would, but I think it was the combo that got me. Because suddenly I was sitting there on that bar stool and it was all going to my head. I could feel myself getting to that point where my thoughts weren’t connecting with my mouth anymore. It was getting hard to focus and speak coherently and I sure as heck didn’t want to sound like an idiot in front of this guy. We were talking about a lot of good stuff. Just getting to know each other in a more than simple small talk kinda way. I was kinda pissed I’d suddenly gotten drunk out of nowhere. hah.

The real kicker happened when we’d started talking about Dev again and I heard him ask if I wanted him to hold my hand too. The way he said it though it was like we weren’t joking anymore! Not to mention the fact that he was staring into my eyes in what felt like an intense way and I panicked. I freaken panicked! Like I got up and ran out the door panicked! 🤦‍♀️

Ok, I didn’t run but I was damn close. I don’t even remember exactly what happened. I just remember getting up, grabbing my beer can to put by the sink, almost knocking over a to-go box of food, and then leaving through the dark front living room.

I’m pretty embarrassed about it, to be honest. I wish I hadn’t been that damn tipsy. I could have handled myself a lot better!
I won’t even go into any details about the rest of my embarrassment which included stumbling home, trying to get my damn key in the door [I jinxed myself on that one b/c we’d been joking about it previously], trying to get ready for bed quietly in the dark (it was almost 1am) and then getting so sick that I spent over an hour in the bathroom trying to force myself to puke…and then puking again into the trash can by my bed. ugh…I have never done that before - if you can believe that!

I was definitely hurting the next morning. I guess that happens when you don’t get to sleep until like 3am and then wake up again at 7:30. So tired! I didn’t even have a headache, or feel dehydrated, or anything. I was just straight up exhausted. I spent the next couple hours lying there in bed hating life. Also an exaggeration but still.

I eventually got up to make coffee and wash my face. I tried my best to avoid mom who was pissed at me for whatever reason. We had breakfast which I could barely make it through. Then I went outside and ended up lying in the sunshine on the rocks in my backyard. haha. Like a little lizard trying to warm up my cold blood. 😛

Ended up having a little hair of the dog cerveza with mom and tried to calm her down. She’s so dramatic. I helped her a little with some tree branch cutting and then went in to take a shower. I’d been texting off/on with the neighbours and they ended up getting together to BBQ. I’d heard compa leave in the morning but he came back while I was out back.

So I went back over there to hang out in the afternoon. Ran into the guys outside and joked about my terrible morning. Went for a walk with L to get the kids at the park. As we were leaving she called out “bye, I love you” so I said, “bye, I don’t love you” and I have no idea what compa said but it must have been something good because all I could hear was them laughing! Came back and stood outside with the guys at the bbq pit for a while. Finished a bottle of water and then had a couple beers. Not IPAs! haha. L would come by to hang off and on but mostly it was just the guys and I.
At one point compa and I were left alone and he grabbed his keys and told me to walk over and open the door to his truck. I was leaning against the wall barely keeping my eyes open so I told him it was too far away. He asked if I wanted him to hold my hand to walk me there and this time I said ‘yes’ because I was sober and I can actually joke when I’m sober. haha. He just stared at me and made me go over there. It was actually pretty cool. I mean I don’t know much about that stuff but it looked nice. hah.

On the way back to the patio he suddenly reached for my left arm and squeezed it tight. I was half struggling to get away but not putting much effort into it. Then he wrapped his arm around me and grabbed me in a sorta side-hug. I’m not even sure what was happening but he’d folded me up into his arms and was squeezing me. I was telling him to stop because I was going to bruise and just generally complaining that he needed to let go.
Things are weird in this day and age so I’ll put the disclaimer out there that he wasn’t actually hurting me! I do have sensitive arms though! And I didn’t expect that at all. It totally caught me off guard and all I could wonder was how long he’d been waiting to touch me like that.

Once we got back to the house he let me sit in his chair, probably because he felt guilty haha, and I pretty much spent the rest of the afternoon slumped over in that chair moving as little as possible. I was so tired. I went to the house a couple times [for salsa and later cake] and we all went inside to eat. After food all the adults passed out and I ended up being the only one awake with the kids. Dev and I were going to play video games which definitely would have had me sleeping on the couch but we couldn’t figure it out so ended up playing with cars instead.

I finally went home about 8:30 but it was a nice day/evening. Exactly what I needed even though I didn’t get any thing done at home.

So, during the day yesterday compa and I were texting about how I had mysterious bruises on my arm and then he ended up saying he didn’t want to hang out with me anymore. I’d gone over to the neighbours to drop off some gumbo mom made with the leftover bbq chicken and told them that we were in the process of coming up with a shared custody agreement because we couldn’t be around each other anymore. haha. L started to tell me that that was just compa being compa. As in he’s kinda a jerk sometimes. And I said, “No! I’m not mad at him! He’s mad at me!” She’d automatically assumed he’d made me mad. haha. Then she looks at me all serious and says, “What happened between you two the other night??” And I laughed and said that I couldn’t talk about it. 😉

I didn’t stay long even though Jo wanted to show me her ice experiment and Dev chased me to the door to show me his Jurassic Park trucks. haha. I’d just taken another shot into the thigh so I wasn’t feeling it. Went back home, ate my dinner, and went to my room to get ready for the next day. I was so tired that I put the music on and laid in bed for a bit. I think it was mostly from the shot not just the lack of sleep the night before.

Compa texted me back that he was confused and I told him that I didn’t know what was going on since he’s the one that didn’t want to hang out. Then he said we could hang if I’d stop being a sissy and that’s not gonna happen. I put some serious emoji face and set my phone down. A couple minutes later it started ringing and yup, there he was calling me. I answered, “what do you want?” Not even saying hi. haha. We ended up talking for the next almost hour. Even beat our old record!

He had started to hang up about 30 minutes in but then we got going again. It was nice and easy. I was just laying there listening/talking while he was multi-tasking with a work thing.

sidenote: The BBQ guy brought us pizza for lunch today! I’d been joking about it with him yesterday but didn’t think it would happen. So sweet! Found out he definitely has a gf which he hasn’t mentioned to me at all but was talking to mom about it after she poked a bit. That’s good. Also I’m super tired and want to pass out on this table right now. I even went to bed at 10 o’clock last night!

I don’t know what I’d said at the beginning, probably just being rude asking what the heck he wanted and he goes, “I just want to talk to you!” Which sounded really sincere and made me smile.

That’s the thing though. There were so many little comments like that coming from him. I’m not used to that at all. Like I can tell he’s getting closer to me. The way he’s actually texting me back and the way he’ll call, which I’ve learned is mostly because he’s been so busy lately that it takes him longer to text. And that’s ok. I like the phone calls a lot. It’s so much easier to have a conversation on the phone. You get a million times more words in.

He thinks that I don’t remember what happened Saturday night. I’ve been playing dumb, but the truth is that I do remember. Most of it. We talked about how quickly I left that night. And he told me what happened about the hand holding. I joked that he must have been too nice to me and I panicked. Since he’s usually mean to me. I wanted to tell him the truth but I don’t know him nearly well enough for that. Someday maybe. I mean if we get any closer I will eventually have to tell him how screwed up I am. heh.

I also asked if he was mean to everyone or if it was just me. He said everyone and then said to be honest, I’m only this way with people I like. And another comment about how it was like the kid on the playground with his crush. except I kinda interrupted him and cut him off. We joked about how he was going to pull my pigtails. Also when I commented that he was going to push me to the ground next time he said that he would but that the difference was that he’d help me back up. And a bunch of jokes about sour patch kids and how he’s sour then sweet.

Not sure what to think. We joke around a lot. We do playfully argue. There haven’t been any serious fights or disagreements though. Not even with both of us drinking, which would be a huge deal breaker for me. I can’t handle a messy angry drunk. But I’ve seen him pretty dang drunk and there’s been no issues. That’s a plus. He does curse at me sometimes, or just generally say bad words, and that would annoy me a lot more if he were serious. Like last night I heard him call me a b*tch and immediately told him not to do that. Then I realized I’d misunderstood and he even said that he had no reason to call me that at all. He better not. If I thought he were serious about any of it I’d be a lot more offended.

It’s just…I had this moment of feeling like he’s getting too close. And ya’ll know that makes me want to RUN AWAY! As quickly as possible.
I’m so afraid that I’ll hurt him…and if I’m being really honest I’m probably deep down even more afraid that he’ll hurt me.

On the plus plus side I have zero desire to see and/or speak to tf right now. I don’t need anymore closure. I don’t need shit from him.
And I certainly haven’t cried myself to sleep in a while either. It’s been mostly smiles these days 🙂

rose.
10:10pm