I've overthought everything I can think of in I'm New Here

My brain hasn’t stopped running full speed for the last 36 hours. In between the good moments over the last two days, I keep catching glimpses of the disaster that was the other night.

I don’t know what to say or do anymore. I can’t discern how I’m feeling because I’m so overwhelmed with every emotion that I’m feeling shell-shocked and numb. I’ve reached a point of mental exhaustion. And still, I’m no closer to finding any sort of comfort, solution, or explanation for what happened.

The one continuous thought I have is, “How could you do this to me?”

And really, how? How did you willingly hurt me like this? How did you break my trust and follow through with what you did? How did you excuse this in your own mind? How did you do this, knowing how much pain you were causing? How come I didn’t matter to you in that moment? How could you be so selfish that you didn’t bother to think of me at all?

I keep torturing myself by recreating what I think that situation was like. I think of it over and over again, playing it out in my head. Each time I do my chest hurts. It’s causing me physical pain and plenty of mental anguish, yet I can’t help myself. I can’t turn my brain off. I can’t make it stop.

I sat down to write, thinking it might make me feel a little better, or at least make some sense of this situation. I realize now it was wishful thinking. My head is so jumbled that for once, this won’t help. I’m too tired to put my thoughts into words at this point. I guess I need a little bit more time to process before I can get it all out.

Note to anyone reading - this wasn’t anything physical; it was a massive breach of trust