March 6th in Posso's Prompts

‘So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life’s too short to be pissed off all the time. It’s just not worth it. Derek says it’s always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can’t top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you’d like. ‘We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.’ - Danny Vinyard, American History X

Lately, I’ve realized how out of the way I go to try and be angry at something, anything, just to validate trying to stay feeling miserable. I can’t seem to find that comforting feeling of being irate with anyone. I think the whole idea of stepping back and taking care of myself a little more has made it so that I am running out of ways to make myself mad enough to run away from problems. Whether or not that’s rational and/or healthy, who’s to say. It seems like it’s a way to successfully handle how disappointed and out of touch with myself I truly was. Simple interactions at work have been a lot easier, too.

There’s a good regular at work who is a family man, takes care of his duties as a dad by heading off to coach his daughter in all of her sports - even the ones he’s got no grasp of such as soccer - just so he can be a positive influence in his daughter’s life.

But then again. He’s a regular, at a bar, so it’s not like he doesn’t have his own vices.

Our friend is a pretty low key, down to earth guy and can talk to pretty much anyone that comes in the bar. He’ll get a good laugh from almost anyone. Lately, I’ve noticed his drinking has gotten more persistent and he’s in the bar multiple times in a day. As many that don’t understand the concept, eventually you are the one responsible for how drunk someone is and whether or not you’re comfortable with letting that person go on their way; I had never seen our friend as liquored up as I had the other day and I asked him if I needed to get him a ride or worst case - drive him to his place so he’d get home safe. What entailed was something I never imagined; he broke down and cried outside of the bar, in front of his truck. The guy was extremely emotional because his dog, which he’s had from a pup and seen it grow for 15 years, was more than likely going to need to be put down in the next weeks as the pup was to the point where he couldn’t get in and out of the truck. This man exudes bravado and strength at all times, and decides to break down and cry while I’m telling him to not get in a vehicle and drive drunk? (Sounds like I’m trying to make up for my mistakes)

Take the drinking out of the story and it’s easily just a tale about a guy that doesn’t want you to see his soft, caring emotional side. While, we should be past that in today’s society, we aren’t. He has a right to be upset; his dog’s slowly dying. The unfortunate part is that he feels the only way he can handle it is by drinking away the emotional part, until the emotions ride high enough to finally open up.

I saw myself in some ways. Drinking to balance out how I feel on a given day when I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Using whiskey to make it easier to get over that invisible hill where you keep pushing yourself down just to open up and be human. I wouldn’t call myself in recovery, as I have every intention to enjoy a whiskey neat again, but I knew the reaction he was having all too well. Working in a setting such as I do, people come in daily experiencing something that you more than likely have no clue about. It’s just as easy to take the extra step and go out of your way and make them feel at ease. Surely, I’ve been there and I’ve had days where I can’t stand people let alone having to listen to petty everyday qualms that they can’t air out to their significant others or friends and feel the need to unleash onto a stranger serving them a drink. My friends always have been entertained with how, for lack of a better term, two-faced I can be with people; I put the smile on, greet them kindly, and turn around and there’s the quiet sigh, eyeroll, mumble. I’ve been noticing this year that by not joining in by taking shots or having a drink with them that I have been having to handle other’s emotional responses in ways I’m working on my own. One of those ways is to tell myself not to be so angry all of the time, and some days it’s a lot of work, and other days, it’s letting a stranger cry on your shoulder about his dog.