12: Saying goodbye to Lauren in My own struggles

My decision to move to Nantwich rather than Stone wasn’t one i wanted to take but considering the circumstances it was something i needed to do. I took this as my first priority in August to look around the best suitable homes for me to live in. Instead of looking for a whole house to rent out, i chose to rent out a room within a house to lower my costs and maximize my profit for renting out my own house in Tamworth. I looked over houses over a period of 2-3 days compared to 2-3 months looking at houses in Stone. I found a home living in with the landlady and as i write this now, I’am still living in her home now.

In turn, my estate agents had found suitable tenants to move into my place so the pieces were coming together for me to move out. This would be done on the August bank holiday weekend as i would fly out to Spain on a work trip immediately after that weekend. Everything was beginning to wind down in my own house. I was mostly packing up stuff over the coming weeks wanting all this to be over and done with.

Among the stuff i had, there were still some of Lauren’s items. This did include her secret collection which i end up throwing away at the tip. But for the not secret stuff i wanted to give it her back and see her one more time before i went. Then there was the question of the MotoGP tickets that came through the post 2 weeks before the bank holiday weekend. I felt torn as to what to do, should i sell them online or honor my commitment and give them to her, probably knowing that i won’t be going? I felt conflicted as i still had her Christmas present that she got me - a Nikon D3300 camera.

I sent Lauren a text on 10th August “Can you let me know a good time to speak to you please whether it be over text, call or in person? x” I had no response so hence why I initially put them up for auction on eBay for a couple of days but had a change of heart and decided that i didn’t want to be seen the bad guy coming out of this situation. I didn’t pursue getting an answer out of her so instead i just post the tickets in an envelope and dropped them through her letterbox at her house. I didn’t receive a thanks or any acknowledgement off her to say that she got the tickets. I felt shit that i had to give them away but i think i did the right thing. The race was on the same bank holiday weekend that i moving out so had i still been with Lauren i may have had a conflict of interest anyway. As it turns out, the race had been cancelled due to heavy rain so it turned out that i didn’t miss anything. In an added bonus, i also got a refund for this which meant for me, i had the morale to do the right thing but also get money back from it!

25th August 2018 was my moving out date. Dad would help me with the heavier items going into storage that i had located in Cannock. Despite the pressure of everything going on around me, i was quite chilled and relaxed with the move. Dad wanted additional help with moving the extremely heavier items but unfortunately i couldn’t find anyone. I got the feeling he would rather had been with his girlfriend that day than help me out. I found dad to be quite argumentative and not helpful when i suggested of ways of doing things. He snapped when i made sarcastic joke how he wasn’t far off being old in front of a store worker. Since then I’ve only seen Dad once and his behavior hasn’t really changed which honestly writing this right now i blame his girlfriend.

Mum helped me out in the afternoon with packing and cleaning up the house. I was annoyed by Dad’d behavior and coupled with the fact that i packing to move far away again i burst into tears at the top of the stairs. I haven’t felt this upset since Lauren had blocked me. The situation with trying to get everything else out had become overwhelming. I still needed to get a gas safety certificate done and lent on Mum for support for this. All of this would be carried over whilst i away in Spain the following week.

By the time i came from Spain on 31st August 2018, i would be temporarily staying with my grandma for 2 nights and then staying with mum before moving up to Nantwich on 23rd September. As soon as i came back, i came up with the idea of giving Lauren a letter (will detail in Chapter 13) to explain all i things that i wanted to say but without doing this in a manner that was awkward for either of us. So come 2nd September, i had a whole afternoon walking around Sutton Park to clear my thoughts and to stop at certain points on my route to draft my letter. With this drafted up, i would work on this when i stayed with mum. I just wanted the situation to go away so i could attempt to move on which i had difficulty doing so far.

I headed to Goodwood for the final time volunteering on 6th September 2018. I decided that with the letter ready to be given to her along with the remains of her items i still had that i would give this to her at the earliest opportunity. I texted if i could drop her stuff off on Monday 10th September 2018, she agreed before 8 pm as she was heading down to Woking for work. That in effect would be the final day i would see her. Just as well i was heading down to Goodwood as i needed the distraction and something to enjoy over the weekend before seeing Lauren one more time. I met another volunteer called Sam who i hung out with on Saturday night having dinner, drinks and a cigar. I told her my life story in a nutshell and hanging out actually made both of our weekends.

Come Monday, i would head over to Lauren’s house at 6.30 pm. She didn’t know that i was giving her a letter until i gave it to her. In the letter i would attach my green bracelet that Lauren gave to me from Greece and a toy from the film Trolls which Lauren gave to me after we watched it round her flat when we first started going out. She knew how much i didn’t like that film but still found it funny to give me a present reminding me of it. That was her wicked sense of humor. I was going to miss her going away.

Lauren was quite chatty when i arrived. I don’t think she quite realized that i was moving so far away. She asked if i heard about what went on with the cancelled MotoGP at Silverstone and I asked if she went. She did. She took her mum apparently. Not that it mattered. I did mention about the refunds they were giving back but in truth i wasn’t going to give Lauren a penny. The tickets were enough. She had got them and it was tough luck that they had to cancel the race. As i gave her the letter, i explained that this was all the things i wanted to say but couldn’t find a way of saying them. She said see you soon but the last thing i said to her was “Lauren......I still love you.” She said a soft bye not expecting me to say that.

I didn’t go back to Mum’s straight away. I headed to Chasewater Park to have a walk considering my thoughts running around my mind. Knowing that i never ever going to see her again and couldn’t get our relationship to work out. I was so gutted. I haven’t been on a date since going out with Lauren. I’ve been too scared of going back into a relationship and didn’t want the hassle that i had before. I walked around that night just lost not knowing what i wanted to do with my life.

Moving to Nantwich also meant that i would have a few more yoga sessions left to do at Cannock too. I arrived there 2 days after giving Lauren her stuff back. As i waited in the car, i saw that Lauren had turned up with Margaret. This was the worst possible situation to be in. My nerves and anxiety were on the edge. Lauren saw that i was there and didn’t even come into the same class as me. She found the situation to be too awkward. As did i but i wanted to ride through it and just do the yoga that i came for. Lauren just waited upstairs away from me and only came down when it was time to go home. I felt sick and guilty.

The Monday session after, i saw her car again and thought that lightening had struck twice but Lauren had came for the earlier session instead of the class i was going in for. As she came out, she just blanked me completely. Again i was feeling awkward but at least we didn’t have to avoid each other for the same session. That was the last time I have seen her and it wasn’t the way i wanted to go. It felt like a tragic end to what started out as to me being in the most beautiful relationship I’ve ever been in.