11: Trying to recover and figure things out in My own struggles

The one thing that started to happen more since splitting up with Lauren was that is started to dream more about her, although calling them dreams would be kind. The very first dream i had was the night when Lauren tried to breakup with me. I vividly remember the dream being in a random made up place but importantly i remember seeing Lauren and her mum Lindsey in the dream saying that i was no longer welcome in Lauren’s life anymore. Any other dreams that i had which featured Lauren would just be fragments which i can’t remember. I could be dreaming about anything off topic and then she would appear out of nowhere and the dream would end. Having those types of dreams made for my sleep to be quite disturbed and often would wake up depressed.

The initial months not being with Lauren were very difficult. Not having her there by side during my downside added to the fact that i was spending most of my time outside of work in my house doing DIY made for a very dull period. Had very little money to spend on things that i’d enjoyed due to spending it on diesel and DIY stuff for the house. There would be times when left on my own i would slam doors, bellow out loud, hit the wall and just generally be angry. It was only way i could relieve myself to calm down.

I had the trouble of not having my friends around as much actually when i was with Lauren. I wanted to meet new people but I didn’t want to go out on the dating scene again as i wasn’t over her. That’s where i found an app called Meetup. It’s taken me a while to get going but now I’ve found a group in Stoke with some really cool friends in it. But when i first came across it, i joined a group in Lichfield which catered for 20-30’s age bracket. I went on a meetup organised at a cafe which 2 other people turned up. I found it a bit nerve-wracking but it was good to get myself out. Unfortunately that group never really kept going for long as there wasn’t much interest from a lot of people going to much of the events so it was pretty much back to square one on that front for the first half of the year.

Not being with Lauren had a bigger impact on the things that i enjoyed doing before even on my own. I was karting a lot less although this was down to a lack of money. Being at Goodwood for the 76th Members Meeting really dwelled on me being alone on March 16th 2018. This time last year i felt on top of the world going out with the most unbelievable woman to me. Now i had lost it all due to my stupid anxiety. I still didn’t have an answer as to why i had got to this point. Volunteering on a freezing weekend also didn’t help matters. Ironically, i just wanted to be at home even though i had been dying to be out of the house more! I did have the benefit of taking a Bentley Continental down to Goodwood with me. That was so good but again, i was wishing Lauren was in the passenger seat enjoying the car that i brought back.

There wasn’t else to report in March. The week before i headed down to Goodwood i still hadn’t heard from Lauren and thought it was time to face the music. I tried calling her once and actually realized at that point she actually blocked me from ringing through to her. I initially thought it was just through Facebook until the moment i tried ringing her. I left her one voicemail saying that i hope she was OK and wondered if she wanted to go for a coffee. I also was in contact with Lauren’s Nan Margaret from time to time. I rang Margaret twice asking how she was and also asking about Lauren. I was desperate to get back through to Lauren but without looking like a desperate person. When i had no response from Lauren, i decided the only way i could try and get through to her was to see her and talk things through. I tried to do this on the Sunday before i headed down to Goodwood and tried to catch her at the end of her shift at work. As it turns out, when i got to Hednesford car park, her car wasn’t there. I tried multiple times to catch her at the end of her shifts in the week but it was always a race to try and reach down to Hednesford from Crewe in an hour especially when you are leaving Crewe during rush hour. This was never going to work.

I really thought i was going to whither away from Lauren’s life without knowing why she didn’t want to carry on seeing me. By end of the March, i still had no clue and no way of reaching out to her. I didn’t believe in myself. I was googling ways of how to get your ex-girlfriend back relentlessly. I never thought of Lauren as being my ex. The term ex i used for Jade and Sarra before of the catastrophe fallout that i had with both but with Lauren i never had that. Bearing in mind i was still under the impression that i was on a break with Lauren rather than on a break-up. I somehow came across a video on the internet that explained that women desired the most in men and strangely it was about sex. I don’t mean hardcore porn type sex but about sexual behaviors that turn women on. This changed my mindset and all of a sudden, i started to truly believe that i could get Lauren back in my life. And with that mindset, i started to work on a plan.

I decided that the best way to of doing was to go back to doing yoga classes at Cannock again at the same time as Lauren. I did enjoy doing them at Lichfield but it didn’t feel like my go-to place for my headspace and it didn’t have the same vibe as being in Cannock. I would plan to use the first few sessions to getting Lauren used to me being around and gradually build up confidence with engaging in conversation with her. My first session back was on Wednesday 11th April, 2 days after my birthday.

My birthday was a non-event. Not memorable at all and rather thought about being where i was this time last year in York with Lauren. I just ended up being at work but didn’t tell anyone it was my birthday or nor did i want to. I wasn’t in the mood for celebrating. It was the lowest i felt of all the birthdays i had ever.

Back to going back to Yoga. I got to Cannock car park quite early as i would come straight from work. The music i had on in the background was Coldplay as they’re my favorite band. The last song i played before heading in ‘Till Kingdom Come’ which was what i would have done for Lauren trying to be as patience as i possibly can. I sat in the car and saw her car drive past me just before i headed in. The butterflies started to kick in and multiplied when i entered the studio and saw her there talking to a couple of people. I laid down the mat with a space’s away from her. I knelt on my knees with butterflies still in my stomach, mostly full of fear. What did she think of me? Would she say anything or just purely ignore me? She finished having the conversation she had when i entered and laid down her mat. Then she turned to me and said hello! I said hello back and we ended up having a brief conversation of how we were doing and it actually relieved my nerves a lot.

The conversation i heard Lauren having when i entered the studio was that she had an interview for another job which if she was successful would potentially mean that i would be seeing less of her again when coming back to Cannock. I would find out when i went to the next session the following Monday when she was having another conversation with the same people when she was telling them her good news. I was happy for her but was gutted that potentially i wouldn’t get to see as much again. I spoke to her less that night but did say congratulations to her. She did thank you and put on a brief smile. I could tell that me being around was perhaps making her uneasy but i didn’t want that to be the case. The third time i saw Lauren after coming back to Cannock, i plucked up more courage to engage in more conversation with her. She was opening up more in conversation with me and i was ever more being more hopeful that i could pull off a miracle in getting her back.

From this point, every time i went to bed i would pray every night for two things. Firstly, that Lauren was happy. Secondly, that there was a way of bringing her back to me and have each other in our lives again. I’m not religious at all but i was hoping for a miracle to get her back in my life. I really loved her that much.

By early May, she was more comfortable around me at yoga. I did a double session of yoga on a Wednesday and Lauren would turn up to the 2nd class and place her mat next to mine. I really thought i was on the right track and the conversation came more naturally. There was no feeling of awkwardness between us. My plan was to keep doing more build up between us to eventually ask her out again for a coffee and hopefully rekindle things from there. I did realize that she was due to start her new job soon which did mean she would travelling around the country from time to time and the chances of seeing her at yoga classes suddenly decreased. When she started her new job, i didn’t see her for the rest of the month.

The breakup of Lauren affected me around my friends too. I went to my best friends stag do in Krakow, Poland for a weekend in May. By the time the weekend had finished, i think they decided that i had changed for the worse. I’ve only seen Rich once more and that was at his wedding in July. Every time i tried to call him or see him, he was busy which i can understand. Unfortunately, we have ended up drifting apart but not through a fall out. I always listened to Rich’s advise as he was my best friend. But when it came to dealing with Lauren and breakups, i kinda felt i was on my own as this thing i was going through was not the same as a typical breakup.

Come Tuesday 5th June time, my anxiety was building up more and i still didn’t have a decent explanation from Lauren as to why she wanted to end things. I decided to try and see if i could talk to her again and get to the bottom of this. This meant going to the one place i didn’t want to speak to her at - her home. I felt i had no other choice. I set up a few questions to ask her - what did she want when she said on the night before i left end of January? Why cut off contact so for so long? Did she want to make the relationship work?

For the first question, she said she thought that we actually split up on that night but i never got that feeling as i wanted a brief break before coming back together. We obviously had a breakdown in communication literally so i felt even more confused at this point than i did in January. She said she cut off contact from me because she needed a break from me which was fair enough, but for 6 months?? I had mixed feelings on this one. And the last question she simply answered “Don’t know....” thought that was interesting. I took it at face value. I said at the very least i wanted to remain friends and also reminded her to pick up her fish tank from me which had been at mine since she moved out of Hednesford a year before. And then there were the MotoGP tickets, which i asked if she still wanted them. She replied with a slow “yyyeeahhh???” I still wanted to go with her and asked maybe if i could join her which she replied “we’ll see…”. She wasn’t gibing anything anyway. As i left her house, she gave me a hug, if a little awkward. I left not feeling satisfied with the answers but also not satisfied with the way i ask the questions to Lauren.

The day after ironically i would see Lauren at yoga. Secretly i was kicking myself because had i been more patience for 1 day i probably wouldn’t put myself in a position where i had to force myself to get answers out of Lauren. I probably might had still a chance of getting her back if i continued to be patience but that was gone now.

Tuesday 10th July. Lauren would come round my house but this was for her to up her stuff rather than for a social visit. She was very tentative when she began to empty the fish tank. I was really nervous as well. I offered her coffee but she declined. There was some brief conversation about the previous MotoGP race which did ease the tension but the whole evening she was there was more awkward for her. Originally, this was meant to have been the first of two visits from her to pick all her stuff up but she wanted to do this in one go, probably not to see me again.

Before she left, she asked if the MotoGP tickets had arrived which they didn’t so i said i’d keep her informed. The last thing i asked was that because she wasn’t coming round on Friday if she wanted to go for a coffee. It wasn’t the way i wanted to ask her but if it wasn’t there i had no other opportunity. She said “yeah can do”. I felt that was kind of a yeah but no answer but again i just went on face value and wanted to peruse it from there. I followed this up on Thursday night by asking her via text if she still wanted to meet up. There wasn’t a response…until Friday midday. She made out that she couldn’t make it because there was a kitchen designer coming round her house for design measurements. She apologised for it and suggested organizing something for after her holiday. I just replied “yeah sure” but truthfully i had enough and was losing faith in me getting Lauren back.

I was also losing faith in finding a suitable homes to live in Stone. None of them were of a quality standard and were quite expensive too. About the same price for my mortgage on my own house. I still hadn’t found any tenants for renting out my house and was starting to realise that my dream of being in Stone and getting Lauren was vanishing. I made a decision which will go into further detail in chapter 12 and 14 where i decided to move closer to work rather than be in Stone. It made no sense as i wasn’t with Lauren and was losing contact with my friends. This decision would be the most wisest i made all year but it wasn’t one i would be happy with.