Cancer Round Two: Granny (It's a long one) in On The Topic Of nothing:

I remembered getting a call several months earlier from my Mom. “We took your Mamaw to the doctor today… They told her she has cancer.” I ask “what are they going to do?” She replied with “chemo or hospice, they said it was her choice.” I heard my mom whimper on the other end of the phone and we both immediately began to sob. That day forward I decided that I would go have dinner with her every occasion possible.

Every Sunday I drove back home and had dinner with her. She cooked for me every Sunday up until the point that she physically couldn’t. Although she kept trying to cook anyway.

The last meal she fixed under her own strength was cabbage rolls. They were especially good. She had put a layer of sauerkraut on the top and bottom of them. I just so happened to snap a quick photo of the plate because my girlfriend liked mashed potatoes. Sometimes I look back at the photo and I’ll think about her.

Thanksgiving was the last Time I personally remember seeing her eat any amount of solid food. She would take a bite chew it up and spit most of it back out. She ate just enough to taste.

I was told she ate three slices of peaches and some cottage cheese before I went for a visit in mid-December.

I saw her almost every day after thanksgiving. I drove back and forth to spend some time with my family.

Back in mid-November my granny had taken a trip to the cancer center. She had someone new see her that day. Her mood had changed dramatically. I ask her what they had told her. She looked up at me from the passenger seat of the car and said, “They told me I’m going to starve to death…” Her attitude never seemed quite the same after that visit to the cancer center. Of course I would be off if someone told me I was going to starve to death too…

Early December was her last visit to the cancer center. They told her not to bother coming back. She was too weak to be put through those trips back and forth. There was nothing more they could do to ease her pain. Her last visit was my papaws first visit to the cancer center.

Papaw passed away a week later. A few hours after his first chemo treatment. They thought the treatment was just too much for him.

I was still driving back and forth to see my family after my papaw passed away. We stayed though the visitation and the funeral. (T) and I had dressed up for papaw’s visitation. She was wearing a nice charcoal, black, and red pencil skirt. I had a tie and blazer that matched. She said we looked nice.

While (T) and I were visiting, Dad kept trying to get her to eat peaches. I could tell she was getting annoyed by him. She looked over at him as week as she was and told him “I wish you would stick your peaches up your ass.” It was nice to see that the mountain woman I knew was still in her.

I had decided since we were off a couple weeks for Christmas break I would spend some of that time with my granny. She always thought it was nice when I would stay around. I could tell it made her feel better when I was close.

I went to stay on Saturday the 22nd after I had spent the night hanging out with (T) and her family.

My granny had went downhill significantly, she wasn’t able to walk on her own any more. Mom and dad we’re taking her back and forth to the bedroom at night, and to the bathroom during the day. After I started staying with her, she spent her nights laying on the couch.

The first night I laid on the couch opposite of her. I sit there writing about my papaws funeral. I watched her struggling to be comfortable. Sometimes she would moan, other times she would call to the lord for help. It was a heart breaking time. I kept thinking about 16 years prior my best friend in high school had gotten killed in a car wreck and here I was 16 years later to the day watching my granny become weaker and weaker. I was scared that night. I was thinking about how I didn’t know exactly what to do if she passed away. I didn’t sleep much. And I kept wishing (T) was there with me…

I woke up some hours later to mom helping her move around the couch and her screaming in pain. It’s a really terrible thing to awake to. I got up and I helped mom slide her feet around so she could rest them on her pillowed kitty litter bucket. Dad sit there reading a history of Kentucky.

Mom and I were going to be responsible for Christmas dinner this year. A few days before I started staying there mom told me they had taken her to Kroger because my granny was sick of sitting in the house. She picked out everything she thought we would want for dinner from a wheel chair.

On Christmas Eve dad and I made a run to town to pick up a few extras for Christmas dinner. We stopped by goodwill for a few minutes to see what kind of good deal we could find. I found a really old glass mirrored picture frame from maybe the 40’s. Not sure why I bought it just knew I wanted it for some reason. Dad and I ran to Walmart after that. We picked up a couple things of turkey gravy, and several boxes of ensure thinking that if she could at least get something in her maybe she would feel better.

After we returned home Mom put all the stuff to make dumplings in a big pot. My granny made her bring it to the couch so she could stir it up. She would say “a little more of this.” and “a little more of that” until it had the perfect consistency. She could barely lift her arm but she still wanted it to be done her way. She said “take it to the table, flour the brown paper sack, and help your mother cut these out.” Mom and I made our “dumplings”. They looked terrible, but they tasted alright. Nothing like what my granny fixed though.

She hadn’t been eating or drinking much of anything other than a little milk or a sip of beet juice that I had bought her. I had brought in a case of ale 8’s that (T)’s mom had given us. She decided that she wanted one. She drink nearly the entire bottle and we were ecstatic. It’s the little victories when you’re in these situations. She could barely move her head but we would hold the bottle and bend the bendy straw for her.

Christmas morning I awoke to my granny talking to my family about her funeral. She was worried about how much it was going to cost and where she was going to be buried. It was tough to listen to. We were all tearing up. Dad burst in with a “if you would eat you might not have a funeral.” Everyone kind of sit in silence for a few seconds after that.

Dad and I had decided that we would go look at the cemetery where she wanted to be buried. We were about to leave when mom came to us and said why don’t you see if (O) would talk to her. We told her we would stop and see. Dad and I pulled up to (O)’s house. He was walking some strange guy around the yard and sent him on his way when we pulled up. We talked to him for a moment and he said that he would love to come and talk with my granny and he would be down later that evening.

We stopped at (C)’s (slick) house. My granny had ask for him by name to be a pallbearer. He had always helped out my family with anything they needed. Once my granny had let a fire get away from her. The whole field was a blaze and (C) was the first one there to help. They had used dead tree limbs to beat the fire out. The fire depart had showed up but it was a bunch of rookies that had brought an empty water truck. He told us he would be honored to be a pallbearer.

We drove on over to the cemetery. The cemetery is down a long gravel road through a cow pasture full of nice green grass. On the back part of the lot near the cemetery the road goes up a very steep hill wooded with all manner of oak, cedar, and holly trees. When you reach the highest point you will find the cemetery. When my granny’s people came to the area in the early 1800’s this is where they settled. If you walk around you’ll find her great great grandfather, aunts, uncles, cousins. Everyone but her mother. She originally wanted to be buried next to her mother, but there wasn’t much room and she had married a man that my granny didn’t care much for as a child. She had told us in recent days that she would like to be placed close to her aunt (De) and her Mamaw. She always spoke fondly of her Mamaw. Her Mamaw actually passed away in the same fashion she was passing. She told us she had cancer and the day the ambulance came to take her away she was out in the field putting up fencing. When she passed away she told us they had to take a team of horses and put her casket on a sled to get her up the hill to the cemetery, it had been a particularly harsh winter day.

Looking around the cemetery you see all kinds of names that you’ve heard of. One of the stones said (R) he was roughly the same age as my granny but he only lived nine years. I had heard the story many times. He was my granny’s cousin. His dad had sent him out to water the mule. He had the reins in his hands when something spooked the mule and it took off running. The mule drug him though the barn, then a barb wire fence where he died. His father had always blamed himself because he was chopping wood at the time and thought that he had maybe spooked the mule on the back swing of the ax.

Toward the front of the cemetery were to other graves. (Ru) and (Ce). They were my granny’s infant brother and sister. They didn’t make it along very far in life. There was also too more siblings whom were stillborn. It’s those things that make me feel lucky to even be a part of the world. Sometimes I think about how many things had to happen for me to even exist.

As dad finished writing the names in the cemetery down, I took a few photos. I looked around and thought how truly beautiful this location was. You could see for miles down in the valley, with an old barn to the left with cattle around it, to the right a stand of trees following the untraveled road. I watched the sun break through the clouds and race across the landscape. The kind of place where I think I might like to spend the rest of eternity one day.

We got back home and dad was trying to tell my granny about the cemetery but she wasn’t in any kind of shape to listen. We sit there for a little bit and then (O) and (M) stopped in. (M) is my granny’s cousin, and (O) is her husband, he’s a local preacher. I could tell granny was happy to see both of them. Her eyes lit up as much as they could. (O) got next to her on the couch and ask her “have you been saved?” my granny didn’t say much she looked at him with longing eyes.

(O): “Would you like to be saved?”

Granny “yes, but I don’t know how.”

(O): “you don’t have to know anything than how you feel in your heart.”

(O): “the Lord knows how you feel.”

(O): “can you repeat after me?”

Granny: “yea.”

(O): “I give my heart to our lord and savior and I believe that he can do all.”

Granny: “I give my heart to our lord and savior and I believe he can do all.”

(O): “that’s all you had to do, the lord knows what’s in here. (Pointing to her heart)”

(O): Prayed over her.

(M): “would you like me to sing?”

Granny: “yea.”

(M): Sings Amazing grace.

(O): doesn’t it feel good to be in the light of the lord!

Shortly after my granny got saved her brother (w) stopped by to see her. (O) and (M) were still there. (w) is an odd mix of things. He’s a kind older man but he’s also dirty and crude. Two things I don’t see very often in the same package.

He sit down in the recliner next to my granny’s head and she said in a weak voice “I got saved.” He said “that’s good. I’m happy for you, sis.” (O) said something to (w) about being saved. (w) said “I’ve talked to the lord many times but he’s never saved me…” (O) said “well he knows what’s in here (pointing to his heart once again)” (w) replied with a “does he?” the conversation just kind of fizzed out at that point. I was thinking to myself that this wasn’t the time or the place for a religious debate. I honestly didn’t care what anyone believed in at the moment other than my granny and my mom. If it made them feel better it didn’t matter and there was no reason to talk about religion.

(O) and (M) left soon after, they told granny and my family how happy they were that she had given her life to the lord. (w) sit there for a little bit talking to granny when someone else came knocking on the door. (D), my granny’s niece had heard thought the grape vine that she wasn’t doing very well. My granny had taken care of all of her nieces and nephews while they were growing up and their mother had turned them against my granny when they got old because she was a half-sister and not full blood. My granny’s brothers had always treated her like a sister. My granny’s sister never treated her like an actual sister. So there was always some bad blood there my entire life.

At nearly 11 that night my granny’s cousins came to visit. It was (M) and two of her sisters. She had passed the word along that my granny had gotten saved and she wasn’t doing very well so they had come to see her. One of her cousins was wearing an old pair of shoes that had fallen apart as she walked through the yard. Her sisters got the biggest kick out of that and it kind of turned into a running joke for the rest of the night. I could tell my granny wanted to laugh but it just wasn’t in her. She was more concerned about her getting her feet wet in the yard. She ask my mom to look for her a pair of shoes. They sit there until 3 AM telling story after story. My granny would chime in every little bit. This was the last time I heard her utter more than two or three words.

I awoke the next morning to find her doing much worse. She couldn’t move herself any more, and we couldn’t move her without hurting her. Granny’s cousins had told us about hospice the night before and how they actually help people to take care of their loved one. Mom and I had made the decision to call them. We thought if maybe they could bring a hospital bed for her that it would make life a little easier on everyone.
A couple hours go by and I decide to go pick (T) up from her Mom’s house. I needed her. I was somewhere close to the end of the rope. I couldn’t begin to imagine how mom was feeling. We drove back down as quickly as possible. At some point we ventured out to go to the dollar so and I noticed I had a voice mail from a few minutes earlier that evening. I listened to it. It was hospice. They had told us to call them back at 8am.

The next morning we call Hospice back and we arrange an appointment for someone to come speak with us. I was out somewhere for the first half but the second half Belinda the nurse from hospice took us into the other room where she talked to use about how people pass and what that was going to be like, then she talked to us about administering medication. She had said something about using a syringe to put medicine in my granny’s gums. Mom leached back and shook her head and said “I just don’t think I could put it in her gums like that.” and the nurse said you’re going to have to for her pain. Mom and I were both under the impression that we would going to have to put a needle into her gums. I told her to get the Medicine any way and we would look at it when we got it. Before the nurse left she told us she would order a bed and that I needed to run to town and pick up her medicine.

(T) and I got to town to pick up the medicine. We picked up a little something for dinner, and went back out the interstate toward home. Before I got home I was getting a call from the nurse. She said she had called her in some more medicine and that I needed to run back out there and pick it up. So I did. We returned to find her new hospital bed in the living room. We administered the medicine we had returned with. We found the syringe the nurse was talking about was nothing more than a child’s cough syrup syringe which put me at some kind of ease. Mom went to give her the medicine and she let out a loud “un un” and I came over and talked to her “It’s supposed to make you feel better, the nurse called it in for you and she said it might ease the pain. Would you give it a try?” She looked at mom. Mom put the syringe in her mouth and she took the medicine. After a while she stopped yelling from the pain.

She was still laying on the couch. We had to move her. I had her from underneath, Mom had her under her arms, and dad was basically in the way. As we moved her to her bed she screamed in heart wrenching pain.

(w) and his wife (Do) stopped by a little later that night to see her. He told us he would stop by again in the morning before he left for Ohio.

I invited (Ti) over to come visit my granny. I felt like a jerk but I ask him not to bring his grandchild because I knew she couldn’t take that right now. I felt he was too young to understand what was going on so he wouldn’t realize that he needed to be careful with her. (Ti) got there and dad put on some terrible movie about Ernest Borgnine and an illegal immigrant. We sit and chatted a little bit and then dad put in some kind of Alfred Hitchcock movie that was almost a silent movie. During the second movie I guess my granny’s pain meds wore off. She started to struggle again. Her breathing was labored and she was yelling in pain. We all stood around her. For a moment I thought this was it, things we’re looking grim. But she ended up falling back to sleep after mom gave her second dose of medicine. We were all tearing up as she lie there.
(Ti) left shortly. (T) and I walked him and (Ab) out on the porch. He talked to us for a second and told me he was sorry. (Ti) and (Ab) gave us both hugs. I stood there on the porch for a moment just in tears hugging (T).

It was the morning of the 28th. (w) had come to visit before his trip to Ohio. He told me to call him if something happened. Dad, (T) and I were preparing to go to town and get a few things, but we had decided to go to (w)’s first to barrow some posthole diggers. As we were walking out the door she screamed for me. Mom looked at me and said “go on… Quickly.” Then she looked at my granny and told her we would be back soon. We drove over (w)’s and talked for a few minutes. They wanted us to stay for a little while but we couldn’t we had things we had to do.

We got back to the house and she was lying there. You could tell she was glad I was back at home. She still looked worried though. I stepped out on the porch to make a phone call to my friend (S). About three minutes into the phone call dad stepped out on the porch and said “I think she needs you.” I walked in the house with (T) and we all gathered around. Her breathing had become labored. She looked at me and then laid her head to the side. She might have blinked once or twice more as life became a struggle. I told her I loved her as I held her hand. A few seconds later mom told her that we all loved her. She was looking out the window at the huge tulip tree in the back yard. My granny took about three more labored gasp and her bright blue scotch Irish eyes lost all their life. As I was holding her hand I could feel her leaving. It was almost an immediate change. One moment she was there, the next moment there was a shell that she had left behind. Her shell was lying there hugging her sunflower pillow, lifeless, gazing at the big tulip tree in the back yard. That’s the last thing she would ever see. (T), Mom, and I stood around her about the next 10-15 minutes morning her. The last several months she had worn her sweat shirt that had a drawing of a crane trying to eat a frog. In the top left corner it said “don’t ever give up.” I thought it was such a fitting line for what she was going though.

Dad was trying to escape. I yelled at him to come over and we all hugged each other. Mom was crying hard, (T) and her had their faces buried into my chest. I looked over at dad and he was feeling my granny’s hands and her neck. He just couldn’t process that she was actually gone. He doesn’t do well with loss. But who does? He didn’t stop, so I nudged him to quit, and he stopped.

I walked to the porch and I started making phone calls. I called the hospice lady and she told me she would contact the funeral home. Each phone call was a little more difficult than the last. (w) might have been the hardest for me. I told him that my granny had passed away and he responded with “oh no.” It was so pitiful and heart breaking. I was so thankful that he had gotten to spend some time with her earlier that morning.

A short time later the hospice nurse arrived. She told us how sorry she was for our loss. I think she might have even shed a few tears. She told mom that they needed to clean her. (T) and I left the room and sit on the porch with Dad as Mom and the hospice nurse started to clean my granny’s body. The hospice nurse told us the men from the funeral home would be there soon.

Shortly a black Cadillac pulled up and two men got out of it. One was the funeral home director. I had saw his face many times as my granny’s family had passed away over the years. He had taken care of her mother some 17 years prior. Dad, (T), and I walked back in the house. They had finished cleansing my granny. She was lying there flat with the same expression on her face as when I had left her. I kept looking at her. Sometimes I would think I would see her take a shallow breath. I knew she wasn’t though. I guess it’s just something you unknowing do. I caught myself doing the same two weeks earlier with my papaw as he was lying in his casket.

The nurse wanted us to go back to the bedroom as they moved her from her bed to the gurney. I took Mom and (T) back toward the bedroom. They were facing me. I wanted to watch what they were doing. They were so easy with her putting her on the gurney. They took a nice quilt and covered her from her shoulders down. Then they took her out the front door. I was thinking the whole time how I didn’t want them to cover up her face in front of us, and they didn’t. Then I thought how she sort of got one more look at the sky. My mind quickly went to how she would be all alone for the next couple of days. I didn’t like the thought of her taking the ride to the funeral home with two strangers. I didn’t like the thought of her being all alone in the funeral home at night. I didn’t like the thought of her going through the next part of life alone. I guess we’ll all have to face that part at sometime though.

It was so odd that evening. (T) and I had come back to town to scan photos like we had for my papaw two weeks earlier. (Ti) came and hung out with us just like two weeks earlier. I kept going though album after album. From baby pictures to the mid 90’s when I was a kid. You could tell in the photos that she was a happy child bright eyed and full of life. Then sometime in the mid 80’s that girl was gone. She had been replaced by a young house wife with nothing to look forward to. Then I came along. There were pictures of my granny and me the day I was born and you could see those same bright eyes from when she was a kid. I brought something back to her. Shortly after my birth her and my papaw got a divorce and she came to live with Mom and Dad. She had gotten ahold of some of the photos around that time and had decided to take herself out of them. I really hated that. I kind of have some kind of hope that the negatives will turn up some day, so maybe they’re not completely gone. About 90% of the family photos she doesn’t show up, and I was wondering why? Then it dawned on me she was the one with the cameras. That’s where I had gotten the photography bug. At that moment I felt closer than ever to her. And possibly the most heartbroken I had ever been.

I had to give (N) a call that night. We needed pallbearers and I was going to ask him since she always bought him stuff. As soon as he answered the phone I teared up and told him my granny had passed away. I was a wreck, but I kept talking. He told me how I had to be strong for Mom and Dad because we both knew Dad was useless in this ordeal. I only talked long enough to get to the point and a couple pleasantries.

I finished scanning the photos we wanted to use for the funeral. We all packed up our stuff and went home.

When I got to my house I found a meth’ed out druggie lurking around the back of my place. I walked in the house like I didn’t see him and started putting what few valuables in “hiding places.” We picked up a couple essentials and saw that he was still walking around the driveway. I thought maybe we would go park at the dollar store for like 10-15 minutes and see what he was up to. To be honest it was nice to think about something besides death for a minute even if it was theft… I went back to the house and checked around for a minute and apparently he had had his fill of the cold and had returned to his hell hole. I decided that I would find (Ti) and have him spend the night since no one had stayed there for several days. (T) and I went back to see Mom and Dad.

We got back to the other place late and Mom and Dad we’re getting ready for bed when we got there. The pull out was pulled out of the couch. (Da) my dog came in the room and she came and saw everyone and then she started looking for my Granny. It was obvious to me what she was doing. She smelled where she had laid on the couch. She looked for the bed the hospice nurse had brought in. She smelled from the where the bed was to the doorway where they took her out. She was confused. After a few minutes she hopped up on the pull out and found the pillow she had been lying on when she passed. Daisy smelled the pillow and threw her head back several times. She got as close to the pillow as she could and held it tightly against herself. She spent the rest of the evening morning over Granny. It was heart breaking to watch her because we all knew what she was feeling. Truth be told she loved granny about as much as she loves me.

The next morning we leave to go to the funeral home. I drive up to see if Wesley wants to go. He does. He told us that he would meet us over there. We make our way down the curvy little back roads my Granny grew up on. I was telling (T) all about her side of the family, or at least the parts I knew. Occasionally a tear would roll down my cheek but I would keep on talking.

We made it to the funeral home about an hour early so (T) and I made our way to the local flea market. I figured why not try and find something neat. I thought it couldn’t hurt to help me get my mind off things a little. We walked around for a little while and I found nothing. I wasn’t sure if it was because they didn’t have anything interesting to me or if I was just in a state of mind where I couldn’t see anything. We went back to the funeral home. Dad and (w) eventually pulled into the parking lot. Mom ask me where (H) was. I told her I thought they picked her up on the way over. So we called and she made her way there. It was pretty important to Mom that (H) was there because my granny had told us before she passed that she wanted (H) to help make the arrangements.

We all walked in and the director pointed us toward his office. We told him we had one more coming and he told us its fine to wait a little bit. He started talking to us about the information he needed for the obituary and we did the best we could. It was kind of interesting. I learned that my great grandfathers’ name was Sylvester. (H) finely made it as Mom and I were picking out verses for her cards. We gave him the clothing Mom had picked out for my Granny. Mom ask him if he could find a blouse that would fit her. He smiled and said I’m sure my wife has something. We had to figure out the day for the service and we went with New Year’s Eve for the visitation, and New Year’s Day for the funeral. Not ideal but that was the best we could do. The director was so much kinder than the guy that took care of my Papaw. That guy seemed like a vulture. This guy seemed like he knew what we were all going though. I guess he did have some kind of grasp since he had recently lost his father.

The director had finished taking the information that he needed. He walked us through a door leading to large room with lots of caskets. It was strange to think that we would be picking out something for my granny that she would be using from now to the end of time, but she would never see it. Mom looked at me and said “no pink.” Apparently my granny didn’t care for the color pink. Which I was 100% ok with. We took a lap around the room, and found a silver/gray one. It looked nice. A very utilitarian, midrange, simple box. She would have been good with that. The director then ask us about the vault. He said “Personally I prefer a better vault than a casket, it’s what’s between you and the elements.” Again we picked her out a gray midrange vault, and again she would have been happy.

The director walked us into another office where we were to work on photos the lady sitting here wasn’t a “photo person” eventually she gave up her seat and let me work on the photos since I already kind of knew what we wanted. We picked out a photo from the mid 70’s for her card. She was wearing a light tan shirt, brown pants, and her hair was halfway down her back. It was one of the better photos of her. She wasn’t one for getting her photo taken. I had roughly 120 photos and they told us we needed to slim it down to 68 so that took another 30 or so minutes. We looked over the ones we had picked and again I think she would have been happy. There were old ones of her and my papaw, pictures of her dogs, and a few snapshots I had taken from time to time. I think the woman was happy that I took over the photos. It really helped my emotional state to know that was contributing to the service in some small way.

Early the next morning we went to pick out her grave. Dad hopped out at the bottom of the hill because he’s had one to many dune buggy wrecks on hills in his day. Mom, (T), and I drove as far as we could go and we got out and walked the rest of the way. The three grave diggers were already there. They were kind of pale and unkempt, basically what I would think a gave digger would look like. We ask them if they could wait a little bit for (w) to get there. Once he arrived we walked around the cemetery for a bit. We knew she wanted to be close to her Granny and her aunt (De). We got her as close as we could. Her plot was just in front of her Granny and (De)’s plots. (T) got to see how incredibly peaceful it was at the top of the mountain. There were no sounds other than that of nature.

The grave diggers immediately began to dig. They took their marked two by four and marked off her grave. Then they took a shovel and started working their way deeper into the earth. It was an odd thought to me that she would be spending the rest of entirety in this hole that was being dug. I could feel the hot tears streaming down my face. I looked at everyone and I could see the sun shimmering off of their tears.

A strange car was starting up the hill. It ended up being the woman who married my Granny’s cousin, (Bu). Her husband had passed away many years ago and she had gotten remarried. I hadn’t saw her since I was a little boy. She use to be the pharmacist at the doctor’s office my Mom took me too. It might have been 15 years since I had laid eyes on her. I could tell it was her but she looked much different now. Time had crept up on her I suppose. She walked around the cemetery and saw where my granny was going to be. She told us that the grave next to her was empty, even though there was a stone. (B) had picked the plot next to her but he had been buried somewhere in Ohio after moving away from the country.

We made our way back down the hill. Dad got in the car once we reached the bottom. I was making my way through the cow field and the car slid a little in a mud puddle and dad yelled “see there! We could have all been dead!” Everyone started giggling at him. As we went around the winding country roads Mom talked about how she thought my Granny would be happy with what we picked out for her.

Once we got to Mom and Dad’s place we started looking at the property next door to them. A few weeks prior someone had put up a for sale sign. It had been nearly 20 years prior when our neighbor had passes away. After he had passed his wife moved out. She packed only a few things and left the rest of it for nature to reclaim. We walked around the property for a bit and then we made our way into the house. The wife left a lot of things laying around. I saw this little capsule laying in dust. It was a small sewing kit that advertised whisky. I decided why leave it to rust, so I stuck it in my pocket. For a 20 year old abandoned house things look ok. The floor was out in parts of the house, but nothing terrible. We left the property thinking we would put a bid on it.

Mom and Dad spent the night with me that night. (Ti) came over and we just sort of sit around watching movies. I think it was something all of us needed. Time not doing anything.

The next day was the visitation. The family were to go in first and spend our time with my Granny. Mom, (T), and I made our way to the front of the room. Shortly the director came around and ask us if she looked ok. We told him that she usually wore her hair behind her ears and that she never really wore her glasses, she just had them close or was always looking for them. He made the minor adjustments and she looked like herself. It was almost like she was sleeping, which I suppose is the idea. I kept looking at her expecting her chest to move, but of course it would never move again. I took the small album I had made her for Christmas and laid it beside her in her casket. I had decided to add a couple more photos to it. I put a photo of (Mo) her Jack Russel, and I added an old photo of her, her siblings, and her mother. I thought she might like that. Not that she would ever see it but at least a part of us will be close to her. Again I could feel the warm tears streaming down my face. It didn’t quite feel real. The memory of her passing was seared into my mind. Every time I closed my eyes it replayed. Her laying there on her pillow staring at the tulip tree as she faded away.

A short time later people started coming in. Some were family, some were acquaintances, some were my friends. (N) and (H) came. It was nice to have people there that knew who I was and what I was going though unlike papaw’s funeral. People had told stories all evening. Mom, (T), and I spend the whole night up front with my granny. Dad and (w) spent as much time as they could get away with at the back of the room talking to my friends that had showed up. From what I heard it was story time about me in the back of the room. (Z) came up to me and ask me if I’d come out side with him. He had me a Christmas gift in the car, keto approved of course. A bottle of Buffalo Trace, and a variety pack of summer sausage. It was really nice. As (Sh) and (S) from work left, (S) ask me to step outside with her. (Sh) and (S) both gave me a hug as they were getting in their car. (S) passed me some cash and told me to take care of my Mom with it. I later looked at it and it was a hundred dollar bill. (C) my Granny’s cousin pulled me close and told me that he had somethings for us in the car. I walked out there with him and he gave me a huge tray of sandwiches, cookies, and chips.

Shortly the evening was coming to a close there was about thirty more minutes left on the visitation and Mom looked at me and ask “are you guys ready to go?” and I told her “we’ll go in a few.” The thought of leaving her there all alone for another thirty minutes was awful to me. I had to spend every moment till time was up. That’s what we did. It still bothered me that she was going to be in that strange place another night all alone.

We started eating the sandwiches on the way home. For every one of (C)’s sandwiches we ate the next one was that much better. I couldn’t for the life of you tell you what kind of sandwiches they were but they were off the reservation good!

(N) made it to my house shortly after we all did. He had went out and got things for New Year’s Eve. I made a big pot of cabbage soup, because you can’t have a good new year without the luck of cabbage soup. (N) ended up getting in one of those story telling moods and all I wanted to do was leave the planet until the funeral the next day. After we watched the traditional ball dropping, (T) and I went on to bed. A couple hours later I heard (N) snoring in the living room like a wildebeest.

I’m assuming at some point during the night (N) discovered how good the sandwiches were because I woke up to a solitary sandwich laying in the fridge.

As we walked into the funeral home the director lead us to a different room than we were in the night before. He took us to the chapel. The casket was in the front of the room surrounded by the flowers people had bought her. We walked slowly up the center past the pews. Once again I could feel the tears streaming down my face. I thought it was strange, the tears didn’t seem to well up, they just fell. She looked even more like she was sleeping than the night before. Mom, (T), (Ti), and I spent some time up front standing next to the casket thinking about her. Mom pulled me close and said “She loved you.” and started crying. I responded with “I know she did.” I stood there holding my mom for a little bit as people started to gather in. We took our seats, and the service began soon after.
Some of my granny’s cousins started the service by singing the family circle. Dad couldn’t take it so he got up and walked out of the service. I was listening but my mind was lost somewhere in my memories. After a few songs one of dads friends, (T) read her obituary. Then they played her favorite song, Rank Strangers by the Stanly Brothers. (O) then got up front and started his part of the service. He spoke about Romans 1 and how our God was a God of power. He preached to everyone that they need to get right with the lord, because we don’t know when it’s coming. I was sitting there wishing that he would have told about coming to her side to get saved the prior week. He could have talked about that while I was remembering fonder times but I don’t recall. At the end of the service everyone made their way up front and gazed upon her one last time. Mom ask me where Dad was as he was trying to slip out the door. I told him to come back and we all hugged each other as we looked at my granny laying there in her casket. I felt her hand. It was the first time I had ever felt someone’s hand in their casket. It was strange, again it felt as if her body was only a shell for what had been there. She was stiff and cold to the touch and I knew she was somewhere else now, hopefully a place where she could look down and smile at us. Mom, (T), and I were the last to leave other than the pallbearers. Mom was crying so hard and I felt so bad for her. We all stood around the back of the hearse as they wheeled her casket out the door. The pallbearers loaded her in the hearse.

We weren’t more than 40 feet behind her as they hauled her to the cemetery. I kept thinking the whole time how much life was going to be different without her. And how many times we had taken the same road with her relatives in the hearse. When we saw the long road leading to the cemetery we could tell that it had been freshly graveled within the couple days it had been since we were there. I was so thankful that that had been done. We got to the hill leading up to the cemetery and dad didn’t jump out this time. I let the hearse and the preacher get a head start on me. As I started up the hill I was already spinning gravel. We made it to the almost the gate and my poor car wouldn’t go any farther. Everyone that came to the cemetery had to park behind me and walk the rest of the way.

One of the men from the funeral home ask us to go sit under the tent. After we were all seated the pallbearers made their way between the other graves carrying her casket. They sit her on the pedestal and the director ask them to remain standing as he spoke. “(J) has touched each and every one of us in the course of her life. As we leave I want each and every one of you to touch her casket as you leave the cemetery today, so you leave your mark with her.” It was the first time I’ve ever heard of anyone doing that during a service but I thought it was the most wonderful idea. All the pallbearers had tears in their eyes as they walked away. (Ti) kissed his hand and ran it across her casket.

I walked (w) over the hill to his truck and I thanked everyone for coming. (C) was showing off for everyone according to his wife, by backing is four wheel drive up the hill. Most everyone had to go back to their homes. We went back to a small church that my granny’s uncle had paid for and built for the community. Her cousins were all there preparing dinner for us. We sat and ate with them for a while, told stories, and enjoyed each other’s company.

Sometimes I think that it was better that my Papaw left before my Granny. As weird as it is to say I think it was kind of God’s way of preparing us for what was going to happen. It was the first major loss anyone in the family had ever had so we kind of got a crash course in what to do. Also something I heard a few days after the funeral that really put me at ease was someone making the statement, “people are here as long as they need to be.” In an odd sort of way that made a lot of sense to me, and brought me a lot of comfort.

Something that still eats away at me is the fact that a lifetime of thoughts and memories disappeared in her final breaths. No one will ever know how she felt in particular situations, no one will know her version of stories, no one will know how she felt about different things, and no one will be her. I get that it’s an eventuality that we’re all going to have to face, and people have been facing it since the beginning of time and they’ll face it till the end of time.