Untitled. in I'm New Here

Do you ever feel this dull ache in your chest? And no matter what you do, you can’t kill it? You can’t make it go away? You can’t make it stop? Like the remnants of a headache you just can’t rid yourself of? I hate that feeling, yet it’s all too familiar. It never quite goes away. Like the rising of the sun, it’s a constant I can always count on.

The tears continue to fall, and I feel helpless to stop them. The tears fall because I disappointed you as well as myself. How do I make them stop? They’re no longer beautiful and dramatic; they haven’t been for a while. The tears are raw, and real, and painful. They are the pain inside of me trying to make its way out.

I debated cutting tonight. I’m not proud of it, but the thought lingered longer than it should have – much longer than I should have allowed. The thing about cutting is…. You feel so much hurt on the inside, you need an outlet on the outside. Trust me, I never wanted to kill myself. I just needed to physically hurt, because the emotional anguish was too much to bear with no release. It’s been years since it happened. I’ve been good, I promise. But I can’t say the thought doesn’t wander through my mind every now and then.

I’m sorry that I’m not good enough for you. (“Oh, stop being ridiculous,” I imagine you saying.) You always said I’m the strongest person you know, but we both know it’s a lie. I’m just this fragile thing – this scared girl who tries her best to pretend she knows what she’s doing. “Fake it ‘til you make it,” type of mentality. I’m not strong. I’m weak. I’m fragile. I give my heart away too easily. I can’t handle my emotions. I can’t control my reactions. I can’t help how I feel. I can’t help feeling like it’s justified. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.

I can’t. The phrase I wish I could conquer, more than anything. It feels like my own mortality. If I could just get past it, I’d live forever. I’d be immortal, unstoppable. But the truth? I’m never going to be able to conquer that phrase.

I find myself often wondering if we are right for each other. Some days I think we are both too strong-willed, or maybe just stubborn. Neither can concede without putting up a fight first. Neither can admit to being wrong. It sounds like a recipe for disaster… and frequently, it has been. It’s something I don’t know how to address.

In the cold, harsh, hungover light of day, I read through these words and I am painfully aware of their accuracy. But I’m also aware of the spiral I allowed myself to go down last night. To be honest, ‘allowed’ isn’t the most fitting term here. I never allow myself to spiral. The spiral starts slowly. It’s a deceptive thing, and I start following it because it feels familiar – almost like I can trust it. It’s like a deceptive light at the end of the tunnel. Then it rears its ugly head, grabs me by the ankles, and starts dragging inward. It’s the nightmare I had years ago.

I’m naked, walking along a dark hallway. My hands grope the walls while my eyes try in vain to adjust to the blackness. Farther down I can see a faint light – it looks like a doorway. I walk toward it in an effort to get out. Light of any sort is good, comforting, familiar. At this point, I’m so engulfed by the absence of light and the very real presence of my own fear that I can’t breathe. I stumble aimlessly down this hallway, toward the opening, though in the back of my mind I doubt it’ll offer a reprieve from my fear. I reach the doorway, where something blindsides me. It grabs me by the ankles, rips my legs out from under me. I feel the concrete on my back, scratching and biting and cold. The thing starts dragging me toward the opening and I know this is how it ends….

Then I wake up. Screaming. Screaming in a pitch that surprised me. I never knew my voice could get that high. I guess real fear can do that to you. My heart is racing; here come the tears again. I’m inconsolable. I can’t stop shaking.

Sometimes, after a hard night of dealing with my personal turmoil, I wake up feeling as spent as I did that night, in that particular nightmare.

What is wrong with me?