10: A break, a break-up and a block in My own struggles

Into January 2018 now. Hoping that all the previous tension i had within myself would just vanish. Christmas was well and truly done, my brother had finally moved out of my house and into his own and therefore i could finally start decorating the house ready to move out myself with intentions of renting it out and relocating to Stone myself. Once i could move out, everything should be in place to move forward with my future thinking only of Lauren.

I was still feeling tense post Christmas in that wasn’t my opinion. I could feel in one of the Yoga classes i had. Kelly, our teacher, sometimes give a head and shoulder rub during the end of the class when we are lying down in Shavasana pose. She did for our first class back with in the new year and as she came round to do my shoulders, she could feel that i was tense and uptight even after an hours session of Yoga. She whispered “Relax, let it go.” Kelly could tell if something wasn’t right and she would find out by next month what had gone down.

There wasn’t much drama in the few weeks at all. In fact, i barely saw Lauren on the first few weekends at all. I couldn’t remember seeing her on the first weekend of the year post new year. I think she was working throughout the whole weekend so this did allow to start redecorating at home. Her Nan and granddad were ill too so we couldn’t go round theirs for the usual Sunday roast dinner. The second weekend into 2018, she did come over to mine on the Sunday night following work as yet again her grandparents were ill. We just sat in the living room watching television. The conversation between us was dry to say the least but i was happy to have her around. As she left to go home that night, i said to her that i missed her. This actually sent her a little berserk than usual. I didn’t get i miss you back. I can’t remember what her response actually was but it certainly wasn’t endearing. I panicked later that night by sending a text that contained “BTW, wished i didn’t say that i missed you as you left. I did miss having you around but as i was alone i just wanted to be left alone last night”. I would say that this was the first sign of anxiety to have come back after the new year.

Thursday 18th January 2018, we had reached our first anniversary of going out with each other. We didn’t see each other on this day as she had started going to evening sewing classes on this day. I had given her card the day before and i would get mine for our date night the following day at Staffordshire Grill.

Friday 19th January, i texted her on the morning when i got to work around 8 am. Lauren is usually pretty speedy when texting back unless given a valid reason. I didn’t get a response until after 3 pm and she wasn’t apologetic for replying at this time as well, suggesting that she wasn’t bothered about chatting to me at all. I arrived at her house at 7.30 pm. We had barely been communicating all day so i was on the assumption that i wasn’t staying over that night. She was delaying coming out due to her trying what shoes she was putting on. So as well as having anxiety building up through the day, we were now running late for our own anniversary date night. I couldn’t believe it. It’s like she wasn’t taking this as seriously as one should. I remember her mocking me at one point when i said that i enjoyed these premium nights out. She just laughed at me. Not in a fun way either. I didn’t say anything but just sat there annoyed and felt alone.

Lauren stayed over at mine on Saturday night and this would have been the last time we slept with each other. There was no passion that night. I was still trying to be my kind self by providing her with breakfast on Sunday morning before she went to work. I wouldn’t see her that night, not until Monday night for Yoga. It wasn’t then until we had our first little altercation. I can’t remember what started this but what i do remember is that i told her to shut up but this time i remembered that she didn’t like being this so i said this with a bit of venom to my voice as if i meant it. I dropped her off straight after yoga rather than going back to her home. I had anxiety and rage building up for a while now and i wanted to get my concerns off my chest. As i got back, i texted Lauren if i could speak to her on the phone. She said yes sure. I immediately apologized for telling her to shut up and then followed up by voicing my concerns particularly with her use of Facebook. I said that i don’t want to force what she put on or not but advised that she didn’t need to put shared status’s of depression etc. She didn’t really give a response but thinking that everything would get better here on in, it turned out to be the biggest mistake since going out with Lauren.

I saw her again for Wednesday’s yoga session. I did go back to her house after the session had finished but she had little interest with interacting with me and just put on a movie on in her room. I left her house not long after yoga had finished.

25th & 26th January, i would be away on business trip in Germany visiting Audi. This was my first overseas business trip so i was quite excited as well as nervous. The downside would be that i would be away for Lauren’s birthday (26th) but she had already planned a day shopping in Manchester with an overnight stop too. I sent her a birthday text and got an instant reply back. Sent another text as i was done visiting Audi mid-afternoon. Didn’t get a response until 7.30 pm which would be her last text of the night. I got the sense again that she wasn’t really interested in talking to me and now i was getting seriously worried that something wasn’t right.

My birthday gift to Lauren would be given to her when we got back from Germany and Manchester retrospectively. I got her a day tour around the Harry Potter studios followed by an evening meal at Miller and Carter in Sutton Park. As i was with her during the day, my worrying sense of what was going on continued as she barely made conversation with me and didn’t look happy to see me. I got us an afternoon entry into the studios and going around, she took her time to look at things on her own. She wasn’t with me the whole time and i had to wait on occasions to wait for her. I did get her a audio guided tour which would have explained why she was going around the sites a bit longer than i would have done. As well as wanting to take everything in, i was also getting the feeling she didn’t want to have dinner afterwards with me. When we finished the tour, it was too late to make it back in time for the reservation so i had to cancel it. I think this is what she secretly wanted. I dropped her back home and i didn’t stay over as we didn’t discuss this at all. I went home feeling drained, annoyed, fear and most of all worried.

Sunday 27th January. I didn’t send her Lauren a good morning text still feeling all the emotions from last night. More out of fear and worry. She didn’t send me a message either but knowing from her side what was to come. I would see Lauren at her Nan’s house for Sunday dinner. I could feel the tension coming off Lauren when i was there. Margaret wasn’t giving anything away as far as what Lauren was going to do. In fact, Margaret was her usual self asking how i was and how my work was going. My fears were starting to get real when i popped downstairs after nipping to the bathroom and saw that Lauren was hugging Margaret more than usual, in the way that she was going to do something she didn’t like or didn’t want to. This was followed up by Margaret hugging me saying “take care” rather than see you next week.

As we walked back to Lauren’s house, Lauren was still giving off a lot of tension and giving me a bit of a stare. It was quiet between us initially until she came out with “How do you think this is going?” implying that this relationship wasn’t working. I came back with “not very well, i feel you’re not being honest with me anymore”. She agreed and said that it was her fault. Now this is where i suggested we needed a break. I thought this was wise as deep inside, i still really loved her despite all the anxiety issues i was going through. She wasn’t sure she wanted that but she didn’t make it clear either that she definitely wanted to break up. So as i left her house the last thing that i said to her was “i love you”. She replied “love you too”. I was under the impression we were on a break and not broken up for good.

I rang up my best mate Rich that night and told him the situation i found myself in. He said that i needed to text Lauren ASAP along the lines of that i was thinking of her and that i still loved her. Conflicted that i needed to give her space i would think over the next few days of what to write to her.

The day after seeing Lauren, i was still numb as ever. I did well to hide this when visiting Continental head office in Birmingham for my introduction there but deep down i wasn’t okay. I needed a double yoga session that night to try and get the necessary head space that night. I confide with Rachel my yoga instructor that night asked if she had heard from Lauren. Rachel gave me a hug which was nice and i nearly started crying. I did see Lauren at Wednesday’s yoga session but this was so intense that i decided to give her more space that the next yoga session i would do at Lichfield. By Friday i decided to send this message to Lauren:

**”Hi Lauren, hope you’ve had a good week so far. I’ve been thinking about you since Sunday. I’m still in love with you and still care about you. I believe in us and believe that we can still make this work. I only want you and have no other intentions. It would be a waste to throw it away as we’ve built up such a great relationship. We’ve still got so much to look forward to.

“I don’t think it’s been your fault how we’ve led to this path, it’s been down to me mostly. Despite what i have said i really do trust you and really regret how and what i have said particularly recently. I never want to change who you are and I’m so sorry if i came across that way before. I love who you are and am really proud of who you are and everything that you have done and currently doing. All i want to do is to make you happy and hope that being with me makes you feel that way. Just hoping that you feel the same way too.

I would like to suggest that if we can carry on where we left off that we just take it slow. Maybe by just starting seeing each other at yoga during the week and building up gradually by seeing each other on weekends additionally if and when you feel ready. I know you wanted some space from me so you don’t have to answer anything that I’ve put on here straight away but i wanted to send this to show how i feel about you and us. In fact i’d rather you take more time to think about what i have proposed and to think about us. I really don’t want any animosity between us. We can talk again properly when you are ready. But i’m ready when you are and am always here for you. You really mean the world to me. Hope you have a nice weekend planned. Love you always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.”**

From that point i kept to my word is didn’t make attempt to contact her. I avoided going to the same Yoga sessions as her to give her physical space as well as mental space. Kelly welcomed me to Lichfield yoga as i explained to her the situation i found myself. My attempts to keep the relationship had failed. Lauren’s way of officially way of breaking up with me was to block me as a contact and through social media too. Since 27th January, i would be constantly on Facebook to see if Lauren had put up anything on her wall or if she was online. By 12th February, i wouldn’t get to see her profile anymore. She had blocked me and all of a sudden, i had butterflies but in a bad way. By the evening, i headed to my yoga class in Lichfield and needed to talk to anyone. I had Kelly to fall back on. I immediately burst into tears. I felt so lost and confused. How could the greatest love in my life turn into ruins?

The aftermath of this into February and March was difficult to deal with. I was still stuck in limbo and couldn’t find a way out. Rich was barely around and i had no one else to turn to. The weekends would long and lonely and had difficulty motivating myself to do anything, especially the DIY in the house that needed doing before attempting to move out. Even having the luxury of taking Bentley’s home for the weekend, i was still thinking of Lauren wishing how she was still with me and in the passenger seat to enjoy the cars that i was bringing back. Not wishing or wanting to the go down the same route as the breakup with Jade 2 years before, i would spend a lot of time to myself thinking how i could try and get Lauren back in my life.