Feb. 22 - Akrasia in Posso's Prompts

Akrasia (n:) lack of self-control; the state of mind in which someone acts against their better judgment through weakness of will.

If you’re looking for one of the worst people that acts against any better judgment and self-control, it’s this guy. A main reason why I have so many horror stories and head shakers is because I almost always choose poorly in the situations where the easy way out is presented. There’s almost an obsession or addiction present there in which I want to give up any will just to see what in the hell I’m going to do to rectify the advanced problem. I think it blends together with yesterday’s post: I like seeing how far of a hole I can fall into and then dig out of because i like being miserable. Whether it be subtweeting about exes or texting friends drunk asking them for money/favors/rides just to go to a poker game I don’t need to be at, a strip club that I won’t remember, a bar I won’t be served at because I’m on black out autopilot - I consciously choose to let self-control out the window and I think that’s probably worse.
The littlest situations have been the greatest victories as of late. Why put that $20 in a slot machine after your shift? Just go home. Do you really need to go to State Street to say hi to friends and put yourself in loads of questionable situations? Nah, man, go boot up the porno and bust out the cocoa butter (nah, not oversharing. shut up.) What might sound like old hat is just reinforcement; I don’t put myself in those choices when I’m not drinking. Among the worst choices I’ve made lately have been whether or not to buy two cases of girl scout cookies and if I should really go to the gym twice in a day just because I don’t ache that day.
The lack of self-control also ties into the issue of looking for social acknowledgement and thinking I’ll be left behind because I come off as boring. I’ve always felt as if I’ve had to be the life of the party as I just wasn’t good enough to get by with brains and no looks. You’d think someone less vain would get over that by the time they’d reach college but fuck, I was looking for it more and more when I turned 30. The lust for attention in all ways - shitty or not - was just a desire to fill an imaginary hole. There was no need for it. The journey to getting to feel like I don’t need to be entertaining just to be around people has been strenuous and sure, it’s also been trying and one that has made me avoid a lot of social things outside of work, but it has been needed to get myself to a place where I can be comfortable doing the things that I want to do for my own gratification.