What’s the fucking point. in Diaryesque Stuff
- March 2, 2019, 8:12 a.m.
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- Public
Can anyone tell me that? Why bother anymore? There’s nothing at the end of the finish line, and yet I’m expected to try and reach it. Like I’m fucking capable of reaching it, like the others.
There’s no point in going forward. It’s a lost cause. A dead world. No one in power cares enough to save it. We’re just digging our hole deeper and deeper, stacking up our reasons not to bother.
I just don’t see why, anymore. I’m broken. It’s as simple as that. I can’t function like a normal human being. Being autistic aside, there’s more than just that. Something else is wrong. Something broke from day 1. George Street. I never recovered. I don’t know who or what I am anymore. If you asked me to describe myself, I wouldn’t know what to tell you. I’m just coping mechanisms and self-denial bundled up and shoved into a person. I pretend it’s alright while everything is shoved deep down and kept quiet until eventually it bursts free again, shattering that delusion
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I don’t feel like I have a real possibility of getting better and becoming a functioning member of society. It’s too ingrained in me now. I don’t talk about this stuff. My own mother didn’t know my primary used to lock me in a room all day until I told her a few weeks ago. Every time I tell somebody something, a trigger in my brain activates that just screams to stop, that they can’t be trusted, I’m making it up, it’s bullshit, I’ve got to burn everything and run before they do because the rejection hurts, even though it’s not real and sometimes there’s nothing to reject but me.
I just can’t let people in. It doesn’t happen. Never did. It’s been there for so long, I don’t know if it was a coping mechanism, something they did, or just me. I don’t know anything, anymore. It’s all this big fucking jumble of a mess in my head I just try to force down and pretend doesn’t exist.
I’m on a hairline trigger for a breakdown and it’s only getting worse. How the fuck did I end up here? Why did I end up here? I shouldn’t have to deal with this shit, getting fucking yanked from one extreme to another by my haywire emotions that I can’t control. I should’ve had a normal childhood, like the others. I should’ve been able to finish school, be happy without some fucking medication or drug in my system, go to uni, have dreams and hopes and a future but instead it was taken away from me by those fucking cunts and I’m never getting it back. I know that. There’s a me that existed before all this, and I don’t remember him. He’s dead. Gone, before his life even really began. But I’m expected to still give a shit, to do something with my life. But what? What can you do with something this broken? Give up on it and throw it in the trash. Sunk-cost fallacy, really. Can’t wipe this slate clean, can’t fix it. There’s only breaking it more, and getting rid of it
Asenath Waite ⋅ March 03, 2019 (edited March 03, 2019)
Edited
I just had an exchange with a Facebook acquaintance the other day about therapists asking us to remember who we were before we were damaged. She says she was a little girl. I think I might've been seven. There's another person on Prosebox who was talking about trauma from her infancy.
I think a lot of people; maybe everyone; is just a pile of coping mechanisms, and the damage we endured that instigated them.
I have no idea how to help. I do know I'd donate you a kidney, without hesitation. I relate to you on a level I just don't with 99.99% of people.
The first "noble truth" of Buddhism is "All life is suffering". (Well unless you're a house cat, maybe.) I have found that to be true.
And no, I don't see the point of life, either. I consider myself fortunate that I'll probably be dead before the really bad stuff happens.
On the other hand; the world successfully did away with DDT. Maybe it will do away with fipronil, too. Bill Gates effectively eliminated antibiotic resistant tuberculosis. Bernie Sanders is looking like he might actually be our next president, while the current one is being prosecuted as soon as he's no longer in office; for tax fraud if nothing else. And China is planting acres of trees all of time. So maybe there is some hope. I dunno. Humanity has been on the brink of destroying itself before.
You just got to find a goal that you can work towards. Anything that's achievable, to give your existence purpose. Like maybe coming to the US once we have a building for the shop, and confusing the hell out of our customers. :D
Don mentioned that he could deliver food for Door Dash, and Grub Hub. You know, in that hearse that I'm planning to buy. Because everybody should have their hamburgers delivered in a hearse. (He was joking; but it's a great mental image.)
I may type more after I sleep.