Forgiveness in Life in the Lost Lane...

As sad as i am, i’m hoping to be an adult over all things, of course i am hurt. He gets mad when i mention that he should have tried harder. I feel defeated especially since my spidey senses told me theres more going on that what he lets on. When i asked him point blank because of all his texting and smiling at the phone, of course im going to wonder, though even though i am his wife thats where it stops i guess. Asking him if theres someone else, i got a blank stare and was asked why and when i told him the reasons above he asked a question with a question, why would you ask that. But it is i, that digs the deeper hole. When he finally answers its “not exactly” which tears the rest of my heart away. That is one thing that i would never do to him. He gets mad when after a while of thinking about it i tell him “i hope that you are happy and that she makes you that way”. But again he gets frustrated telling me “your twisting things to have your point of view.” how is it twisting when there is someone in the equation already? When asked “Do you have any feelings for me, its the response as what it was before”, “I will always love you but not in love with you” not given but what im told. I dont want you to care for me out of some fucking obligation that you think you have over me.

You chose to do whatever the hell this is. I didnt, im going along with it because if theres some kind of chance at the very end, no matter how slim, i want it. I feel like that makes me a fool. I started calling the house his, even though my name is on the paperwork. That place is no longer my home. I cant shake the feeling of failure and so much shame. And i guess ill take a year lease on an apartment because as hurt as i am, i dont think that we’ll survive, it makes me angry that he always tells me that he doesnt know what he wants. Thats not fair, you obviously have an idea, i think you assume ill keep our child from you which is the last thing i would ever do and it makes me so sad that you think i would be so petty. I dont want your money and i dont want your help, i just want you to be there for our child and thats it. I dont want him to call anyone else Mom or Mommy, that is my right. Ive asked that he give me time to adjust to the news. And hes still bewildered like i dont know whats the next logical step after finally admitting that theres someone possibly sitting on the sidelines, i just hope that he hasnt had any relations with her. Because then it would truly tear what i have left, considering he didnt have this kind of act with any of his last relationships. All i do is cry and i cant seem to get a hold of myself…