Islands in the Stream...Sail away with me... in Life in the Lost Lane...

Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers, beautiful song. I continue to have mixed feelings about everything. More than anything im sad, at missing what we’ve had, what we could have, i am hoping this is just some mid life crisis for him and he figures it out. Marriage isnt easy and i believe you both have to try your hardest to make it work. I want so bad to work it out, but how do you go back to being who you were? I dont think you can, especially since this concussion changed me and not for the better. I barely figured out how to live on my own till he got out, now i have to figure it out with a little one. My anxiety and depression are sky high. I didnt realize how much ones mental health effects everything else in your life, i understand more so now that i work in the mental health field. Its a struggle to get up every morning, hygiene and pretend that everything’s ok. Now i no longer have to pretend, now i have a purpose, get up and raise our child, with 50/50 custody nothing court required. I just feel like a huge failure, this is the second time in almost 8 yrs that i couldnt make it work. Im done with relationships, unless this one works out sometime down the road, my heart cant take it. My soul is crying out for her other half and theres no answer.

New Year and new me, learning things to make me a different person, i may not be the person i used to be, but hopefully i can be better for myself, my son and my family. Its just figuring out the first steps, before this went spiraling out of control, i started to make positive changes by being more optimistic and try to be more positive, its a start. I just feel meh, hopeless, that i should have been mentally there and no excuses i should have been. Slowly we’ve started to tell family. I would rather hermit out and stay in whatever place i get. Im not much of a religious person, not really believing in anything, maybe Buddha because i believe that karma will come around to those that deserve it the most. And who knows maybe this is my karma.