Life Re-Started in Life in the Lost Lane...

How…Do you just restart after so long together? I already had to do this once almost 8 years ago, i had no plan or wants to have another relationship. But it happened and we couldn’t have been happier. It was an all or nothing, kind of deal and if there was problems we would go through hell or high water to make it work as a team together. We got married after dating for 2 years and endured a long and lonely relationship with him in prison. Its not going to be an easy ride, it was very hard but it was worth it. He finally got out and had to do intense parole, which they try to screw with you so much so you will get sent back. We survived this. And we tried for a baby, which we were lucky enough to have our little boy. But after we brought him home, way sooner than we were expecting, i wanted to do better for myself, our baby and us. But i noticed there was something different between us for about 3 months before our baby was born. A distance i didnt like, at first you told me it was going on for 4 months and then you go on to tell me that its been a year.

You tell me that you tried to talk to me, you tried working it on your own. I dont feel like this is 100% I wish you would have tried harder, pregnancy isnt an excuse, between the concussion and being exhausted all the time i honestly probably wasnt there. But we’re a team and we have this gorgeous baby and you wont talk to me, when i try im being pushy and belittling you, i honestly dont see me talking down to you, if anything i feel like im your biggest supporter. I love you more than anything, second to our baby of course, because thats a love like no other. As all this has come to light just days after bringing our baby home, im very saddened by this. You got mad because i needed list to write what i needed to work on, it upset you because i should be able to remember, you didnt want me to by the marriage self help series, was it because you already had it in your head we were done? I have been on a good path of slowly changing my ways. But i feel like im damned if i do and damned if i dont. You tell me that i push you away. I forgot that you needed your own space, i was just so excited to be with you after all this time that i didnt know how to calm my fears. Unfortunately our past does follow us. And i know its not right and im ashamed of the actions ive taken, im jealous by nature, you told me youre the same way. But youre not.

Hearing about drunk women from your work trying to give you a lap dance on the bus while chaperoning them, yeah that hit a nerve, youre my husband, you know what kinds of insecurities i have. We’ve talked about it for hours and hours before you got out. Our many conversations. You dont like being held down maybe, you like to be your own person, you dont like that i have questions or that i asked you to come home after we’ve had an argument or ask you to let me know you have gotten somewhere safe because of the weather. Being married takes adjustment on both parties. You cant just work on it on your own, nor can i. You wanted me to figure out what i could afford if i either took our house or got an apartment. You pushed me to do so, would get mad when i drug my heals. Of course im going to drag my heals, i feel like youve already made your decision and youve checked out. While i ask for a chance to change and in a text after arguing im told “who said you ever had a chance” which hurt to the core of my being. But later you told me it wasnt meant like that and i did have a chance. You complain about me flip flopping,when all i want is an answer about things like is it a trial separation, is it a divorce, and all im ever told is i dont know, i cant just leave such important things to the wind it makes my anxiety run so high and along with my postpartum depression this whole thing sucks some serious balls. Of course my mind will jump to the worst possible thing.

Youre not giving me any answers because you dont know, obviously you know something otherwise you wouldnt get mad. Ive offered for us to do our own thing and still live in the house and split the bills, which would be helpful for both of us. But im being unrealistic, you talk about how youre taking on debt of 125 grand. Its by far easier for me to get an apartment because i dont have a past that ill prevent it when the background checks come. You told me you could handle the house. Youre already talked about getting a roommate. Im always going to love you, im in love with you. And i dont think that we both tried hard enough and youve got so much anger in you at this moment that anything i do is construed as being wrong. Asking questions and wanting answers is being pushy and a bully. I have now clue about the belittling. Ive done things wrong, im willing to take all the blame. Youre the best thing thats ever happened to me, your the only person i want in my life, my friend, confidant, lover and partner. Two wrongs dont make a right, but hard work and the willing to let the past go is going to have to be the key along with communication. Somewhere along the way us of all people lost it. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason, if you need me gone to be happy ill leave, if you need me gone to clear your head, im all for it, if you need me gone i understand. Ive never meant to make you feel less. We’re supposed to be partners and i miss that so much it hurts.

I have stopped texting and calling so much, i try to keep it brief unless we are having a discussion and it turns into more. I cant make you love me, you tell me that you love me but not in love with me. Can i just say i dont want that if i cant have the other? My soul cries out for you, i feel broken and lost and i know i have to be strong for our child, who has been in the hospital for about 2 weeks now. Between the stress of worrying about him and worrying about us, im utterly exhausted. I dont think that you would ever become involved with another woman but thats my insecurities ive had to beat down with a sledge hammer. You tell me im on the phone way to much, but you cant have double standards. You cant just leave when youre mad and tell me i have to stay. Youre just so angry i dont think i even have a chance. Im not mad at you, im in mourning, for what we had, what we could have and it just takes work. Ive told my family that whatever happens that youre still family and should be treated as such. Every co-parenting ive seen has been a hot mess, i want us to be different, i want us to be able to have a healthy relationship for our son and our minds. You tell me that ive got a mouth on me, thats one of the things you used to like, my concussion also played a big part in changing who i am. I feel that im withdrawing into myself, i cry and cry and i dont know where to go from here. I dont want anything of ours, its so much easier to leave it and buy more, as unrealistic as it is. I find it offensive that you would even think that i would keep our child from you.

I feel that youre pushing your insecurities on me and my character. Youre worried that i would take you to court for child support, as you keep telling me that if we’re adults we can work it out. Im giving you whatever you want within reason where it comes to our child. Everything else is negotiable. You were my last hope at a life as a trio and more kids. I will put all my energy into taking care of our child, i need to get in a better place mentally and physically. This year i vow to do better not only for myself but for all that i interact with on a regular basis. I can text you and not get an answer for hours unless it has to do with out baby, but you get upset when i dont jump on your texts as soon as i get them. Referenced the other day, you have your phone in your hand the whole time youre sitting there, but as soon as i leave youre off it. Ive been having phone issues, but i didnt volunteer that or nor did you ask. You just assume im ignoring you. Ive been trying to be less lately, less up your ass, less of a problem, less in general. Heres to hoping that we’ll get a second chance, but if youre not willing to forgive and learn then im afraid that we wont have anything but our child. I hope that when i leave, as scared to death as i am to do so then we’ll both be able to take a breath and figure it out. Because this whole i dont know shit is for the birds. I keep to myself and then im told that i ignore you. just feel like im lost, exhausted for sure. Trying for jobs closer to home. Our child deserves parents that are whole, whether it be together or apart.

Till next time dear diary…