It's a good thing I had my PCP increase my Prozac dose a few weeks ago. I'm wondering if it shouldn't go even a little higher, but then the situation I'm currently navigating is certainly sadness-provoking, and you can't take a pill to make real life sadness go away. You just have to get through it.
Not only have I just embarked on a cancer journey, my mom is now ending hers. We had in home hospice care started for her yesterday. She's basically given up since the hospitalization a couple weeks ago, which came as a result of her developing severe colitis from the radiation therapy to her pelvic area. All last fall, leading up to the holidays, she was complaining about her sciatica down her left leg, but eventually it was obvious something else might be going on so scans, etc., were ordered. Sure enough, her increase in pain was due to a pelvic tumor.
My mom has been in Stage IV metastatic disease (to her bones, as she had a both breasts removed back in the late 70s/early 80s, followed by a year of chemotherapy) for the past nearly 3 years. It's been maintained quite well, by monthly injections of two drugs. The radiation and ensuing hospitalization became too much for her, however, and she started talking about how she just wanted to "go home." She's tired of being tired, and tired of being in pain, and just wants to go to sleep.
This is really hard. I've been here for my folks. I've helped them get to and from medical appointments. Then, when I get cancer, have surgery, start chemo, etc., my folks are not able to be here to support me. They weren't even able to come to see me in the hospital when I had my bilateral mastectomy. I saw them a week later, on Christmas Day, because my oldest daughter Megan stayed over through the holidays. Kaitlin, had returned to St. Paul by then.
Megan was just here again - flew in from NYC - when my mom was hospitalized two weeks ago, and then Megan was here for my last treatment. It was a real treat. To have my first baby here to help take care of me. It felt really good. It was awesome to have both daughters here for the surgery and the immediate recovery.
It's also been great having best friend Sue here to help. She has been such a support system for me. But now, she is moving back to MN end of this week to start a new job. It's almost too much to take. I feel like I'm being abandoned......
.....Which brings me back to the hospitalization when I was 2, for recurrent sinus infections, fevers, etc. It was a traumatic affair, and my parents weren't allowed to stay with me. I felt abandoned. I didn't want them to hold me, hug me, anything when they came to visit the next day. I went through three days of tests, such b.s. back then, and in the end it turns out I had allergies, sensitivities, whatever. Afterward, I had to take a liquid tranquilizer to sleep at night and NOT have horrid night terrors. I kid you not.
So now, here I am, losing my mom who has succumbed to the same disease I was just diagnosed with in Dec.; I'm also losing the support of a best friend who is moving away end of this week; I can't yet return to work due to my chemo side effects, etc., and I'm fairly certain I can't EVER go back to that type of position, which will mean a sharp reduction in salary - but as I'm already on disability with the company I'm only making 60% of my base salary right now anyway.
Ugh. I'm feeling abandoned, but I know better. I'm feeling sorry for myself. I cry almost nightly about my mom, it just isn't right that she has to suffer like this, but that's life.....And she herself is more than thankful for the 32 years in remission she had. She's also grateful she was able to be at Megan's wedding in October, and she still looked mighty fine, too. Now, 4 months later, she is literally at death's door. It's so hard....
And I have chemo treatment #3 this week. Sue will take me, as she doesn't fly away to her new job till Friday. Tomorrow I see the plastic surgeon for another fill to my expanders. Then I will drive out to my folks. My brother and his wife are there, so today I didn't go out there. Yesterday was such a hard day, getting Mom to and from the doctor's office, setting up hospice care, waiting for the nurse to come, etc. My dad and brother had only one altercation, and no one got hurt, but the two of them are like a toxic mix sometimes. Ugh. This is so hard on my dad, and it's their 61st anniversary on Wed. That's my next chemo though, so I don't know that I'll be up to driving out to see them. Ugh. So, I better go tomorrow afternoon......and then, who knows what the rest of the week will look like.
So, yes, I'm feeling sufficiently sorry for myself and now that I've whined it all out here in writing, it's time to go to sleep. I need a better night's sleep tonight. I did yoga earlier, so hopefully I will. Last night I had a hard night, lots of back pain (I'm not able to do my normal fitness routine right now), and I eventually had to take half a Vicodin. Ugh. I'm tired enough, I ought to just be able to sleep....and the yoga did help my back......
But I don't want to cry tonight. So I'll try to just go to sleep, after saying another long prayer. Yes, I am sad. Very sad. This too shall pass......
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