Stuck in Grey skies

My mom had surgery. She will find out next Tuesday if the breast cancer spread anywhere else. The MRI they did a while ago didn’t show any additional tumors. We talk almost every day. Even if she calls me just to complain, I am so happy to have some connection, to feel like I am doing something in a circumstance I cannot control. It hurts not be near them. And my friend’s melanoma has spread to her brain. If I was near them I could drive up, babysit sometimes. When you live in a different country, you regret the distance you took for granted between you and your loved ones. When I lived close, it wasn’t so important to make plans all the time. Now every visit seems to short.

I should go back to my therapist who went on maternity leave. It seemed like everything was settling down but the calm went as quickly as it came. I am worried about money without knowing anything about our finances. I just know we had a lot of expenses and Michael felt he should go back to his part-time job again in the evening, on top of the day job. Although we became landlords this year, we’ve actually made no expendable profit. It seems the furnace needs to be repaired, so that will be another few thousand dollars. Eventually it will pay off, but Michael wants to sell and it makes me feel guilty that I said I didn’t want to. It makes me feel guilty because I feel like the reason he is taking on additional work. It also makes me feel like I have to be responsible for everything else around the house and I worry about his well-being. I am pretty sure a creature in living in our attic too, but my husband is not taking an initiative. I asked for him to bring the ladder in weeks ago so I could climb in there so see what was happening. The alarm keeps beeping too and the manufacture said the secondary system could be in the attic.

I am overwhelmed. I just sit and get tears in my eyes without thinking anything in particular sometimes. I think that is enough for today. I have a lot to contemplate about but the more I think about putting it into words the more muddled I feel.