Feb. 14 - Sarang in Posso's Prompts

Sarang (korean, n:) love, affection.

Today has been trying and hard. A girl I spent a good portion of my adult life with, near, as a partner, friend, passed away this time last year. Emotionally at this point last year, I was not in a great place to begin with; I had been dumped already and was actively trying to pursue getting back together with her and trying to talk myself into moving on from her. Heather only added to the problem with her suicidal cries for help. The stress of loving someone but not wanting to be with them culminating with loving someone who didn’t want anything to do with you, physically ate me alive inside. The emotional toll of battling my insides along with pointlessly drinking away any emotion I didn’t want to deal with on top of the stresses of combating an infection that was affecting my sight and still working a ton led me to the edge of keeping composure and sanity. Friends were actually concerned for once, not playing off the outbursts as amusing and playful but rather they saw how I was struggling to gain any kind of foothold on day-to-day responsibilities. At this time, it was really when I started to begin writing for myself again. Working public relations remotely for the brewery in Utah helped fuel the writing spark but just being able to write down the pure feelings of hatred, disgust, anger, and then eventually shame, regret and ultimately love for both Heather and Kylie was finally what I needed to realize that I liked being able to write. To tell the stories I knew I could tell and not have to physically look someone in the face and mumble incoherently through them instead made me feel like I would be able to finally do something I enjoyed with passion again. To think someone young like Kylie would show such brazen maturity and intelligence and combat my ridiculous petty arguing and passive aggressive sarcastic bullshit wasn’t something I wanted but something I knew I needed and most definitely was something I was attracted to. Telling Heather off at that point, knowing that I could never have the same feelings of care and desire to be together forever was something I needed in my mind to help her try to move on from me and to help me move on from using her as a real life security blanket and someone I’d run (and sleep with usually) when something got hard.
Heather wrote all of her pain down in a notebook and gave it to me to read before she killed herself. Knowing full well not to, I read it and it was powerful in terms not of just the verbal attacks on me but just being able to read between the lines of hatred and anger to see someone so lost and hurting. Is that how I sounded when I would compose drunk texts at 3am and fire them off to Kylie when I was hurt? Jesus Christ, I didn’t want to sound like that and I sure didn’t think that someone you would love would deserve to hear it. Never fully (and still thinking I don’t really) grasping the complete context of being in love with someone and trying to put a model of behavior together to represent love was always foreign to me. Did girls always want the fairy tale movie ending? The stupid word poem blobs you’d find pinned on their Pinterest boards? The blacked out screens full of misquoted inspirational fodder you’d see on Instagram? I sure thought I used to have some concept of what it was to treat someone you love with…love. Recently though, seeing that I couldn’t even stand to love myself in any situation, was I actually showing these women I loved the right thing? I regret most of my actions when it comes to both Heather and Kylie as the love I exhibited for both of them was misguided and undeserving as I didn’t care about myself enough to let them in. With Heather gone and Kylie out of the picture, it sounds silly but it might just take a day that most consider one for Hallmark slogans to put into perspective to take a step back and just use the attention the day gets to make sure you’re actually taking care of yourself. 49 days through the year, I can say with saddened albeit confidence that I know now that taking care of myself is something you have to do before you can even attempt to love someone else and take on their pain and struggles. Sometimes people need a reminder of that when they lose touch.
Valentine’s Day will always be a reminder of Heather’s suicide but it ultimately will be a day where I sit there, if I’m alone or not, and think about if I am taking care of myself like I should so I can help others.