Hesitation in Myself and life as its been

I hesitate on many different things like when i was talking about my sexual situation last time, theres this girl who ive know for over 10 years who i have liked for a long time.

she my first proper kiss, I think when I was about 17 years old and it was amazing and I was literally speechless but at that time she had a boyfriend but I didnt know it at the time, she was abit of a player, she kissed me again on her birthday and then later on I see her kissing another guy so I just thought she was just getting a lip kiss from most guys there until I realised that other guy was her boyfriend. She knew I liked her but it was like she was keeping me close but not too close and it was confusing me but I didnt care as I was crazy about her.

About 2 years or so down the road we went to our bestmates house, she was in a bit of a pissed off mood with things to do with her nana and how people where not looking after her as well and afterwards after visiting our friend we started walking to the bus stop, she starts raving on about how horny she is but because she kept pushing me away in the past like kissing me or sexting then telling me nothing more will happen I didnt think anything off it so I said im sure your boyfriend can help you out with that but she making excuses like he was away. Anyway down the road we start walking and she pushes me to one side and starts kissing me and then again, then we find a quiet dark spot and we kiss and I feel her up and finger her and then we get caught by the police. Luckly they didnt arrest us.

After that we just went home, she went home, I went home, I thought id see if we could carry on our session so to speak, she didnt want too and she said that I took advantage off her while she was in an upset mood which I didnt as I didnt make any move on her and I mean yeah I know I didnt stop her making a move on me but still. So yeah back at a distance again.

We have had an off and on friendship, It went from me liking her allot to having a fully sexual desire for her, even when she did want to have sex with me and even came to my house and I fucked it up and not in a good way. You see her coming to my house was for the sexual thing but i hesitated and i never made the first move as much as i wanted too.

i think also why i held back was during that time i wasnt circumcised an my forskin was abit titght and i was afraid she would hurt me but not just that, when im nerous i have trouble getting an erection.

Theres also another reason, with all the things about sex going on with asking for consent (even at one point the news even talked about getting people to get other people to sign a consent form before sex) i mean if you ask for literal sex it kind of kills the mood instead of it happening naturally and i know the irony as i didnt do anything anyway. Also girls freezing up during sex, i was afraid of that happening during sex and i dont want that to happen, so i hesitate to do anything.

Atleast i knew where i stood with an escort and wwe work out what is happening before it happens, not that i want to spend the rest of my life goin to escorts, i do want to be in a relationship but you see what imean.