Feb. 7 - Evince in Posso's Prompts

Evince (v:) reveal the presence of (a quality or feeling), be evidence of; indicate.

When I’m struggling with being alone I usually take my off day, right now it’s consistently been Tuesdays (which has been a great thing as of the last few months, I missed being free on a random weeknight.) and I lay in bed and binge Netflix. Lately, I have been watching things that remind me of times where I need a happy memory, and that has been a severe kick of musicals and Disney. Name someone else you know that will watch West Side Story followed by Coco - and I might find a life partner.

There’s a good facade I put up with being sarcastic and unnerving, miserable and intolerant of people finding joy in little things. I don’t let a lot of people know that I was a theater kid at heart when I was younger. When people pressured me to sing to them, for them, I stopped singing altogether. Frozen came out and I acted like it was the worst thing that happened that year (secretly I watched it a half dozen times, by myself, at the theater.) I tried my hand at piano when I was younger but when I was being asked to perform songs I didn’t want to for others’ enjoyment, my brain said ‘fuck that’ and I stopped playing. Hell, you can even argue that I stopped speaking Spanish after taking it for 6 years in middle and high school because I got tired of being able to talk to everyone else in my ill cultured, backwoods town and have them ask me to translate. My mumbling has gotten so bad because there are times when I just don’t want anyone to know what I’m talking about, thinking of, or feeling.

Many friends, exes, family - all tell me that my pleasure in my life is making myself feel more miserable than I have to be because I get some twisted sense of happiness and pride out of it - and I feel that is one hundred percent true. Sharing my happiness with others has always been a contest of sorts. When I have been taking the steps back to heal and work on handling my emotions upfront, I see that its easier for me to bond with my love of music, quoting stupid lines from 00s comedies, singing along to every Disney song I pretend I don’t know.

Writing and making it public and sharing stories, thoughts, memories with everyone has made me realize that it’s not necessary to be so sarcastic and self pitying all the time. We all have our guilty pleasures and shameful desires but instead of taking them and making a mockery out of all of them, it’s been quite easier lately to use the things that I like that no one knows about and make them funny for people that have been having an off day, and it makes my off days that much easier.