Today you’re the ghost entwined in my soul. I can’t see you or through you or into you, but I can feel your lingering pulling at me. Everyone assures me I walked away for a reason. But did I? Did I abandon you or did you abandon me? Who’s the villain in our romance? Was I the cruel one? Did your needs terrify me too much? Did mine drive you wild?
I have all these new questions as I begin to sift through our history, uncovering lumps I didn’t see before. When I squish them strange fears come out and maddening insecurities I wasn’t aware I had. Sometimes I wonder what horrible things you saw at me that you’ve hinted at but never spoke of. In your mind I must be a beautiful monster, red lips filled with the venom to your heart.
But how I long for you. Our love always reminded me of the Browns, of her passionate poetry to him, of his sudden loss of skill. His jealousy at her growth. I could never tell if I was surpassing you but you always dragged behind. That tumultuous romance with depression trailing behind you, dancing with you as I waited for a partner. A kind of music I never could hear the lyrics to, too lost in your need.
It would have been easier if I could turn off this fate-spiralling love I have for you. So much simpler if I could devour the feast of us, digest it and let it birth new brilliance out of my soul. Instead it rots as I await your deliverance from darkness. One day your eyes will be bright and see clearly. There’s nothing in you I can trust while you dance. There’s nothing in me you can trust, either, as you spin about in a collapsing sun of a spiral.
Breathe in my love and know that I would have done anything for you. Except be someone else. That price was too high and I didn’t think you’d want me to pay it. You didn’t. Our edges became too sharp, you too far away, me too focused.
Slip away, lover. Slide into your oozing darkness. It’s one I won’t follow you into, no matter what that song said.
In the light,