Secret #4 in Chaos

I was sexually assaulted twice.

Now after reading secret #3 most are probably skeptical about this one. I dont blame you if you are.

The first time it happened I was hanging out with a guy that I had fooled around with in the past. We had hung out multiple times after that and I had made it clear that I was making a change in my life and I wasn’t looking for a hook up or a sexual encounter.

Our night started out normal enough. I picked him up and we got coffee and spent the evening talking and laughing. He had made multiple attempts to change my mind but I continued to say no. Our night was winding down and I was ready to call it a night and that’s when things turned bad. He kissed me and I let him. He then grabbed my hand and put it on his crotch. I tried to pull my hand away but couldn’t get it free. He told me to touch him, to help him get release. I closed my hand into a fist and tried to pull away but he just held onto my hand harder. I told him I didn’t want to. He tried kissing me again but I wouldn’t let him he kept telling me to help him, he was trying to force my hands down his pants. I told him I really didn’t want this, I didn’t want to and kept fighting to get my hand free. He finally let my hand go. He sat there for a minute then finally got out of my car. A few days later he tried to contact me to say that he was sorry and he shouldn’t have tried to force me.

I never responded. I knew what he had done was wrong but part of me blamed myself. I had fooled around with him before so maybe I didn’t have the right to say no now.

The second time I was assaulted was by a guy I had been sort of dating. We had been on a few dates before but had never had sexual contact of any sort.

This guy I should have stayed away from. After a few dates he had admitted to having drug problems but assured me it was in his past and he was sober. Who was I to judge someone’s past, it’s not like I was exactly proud of mine.

One weekend when we had plans to hangout I picked him up and right away I knew there was something up. He was really upset but wouldn’t really tell me much. He said he needed to pick up something and asked me to take him and I agreed. When we arrived at our destination he told me to park and look straight ahead and not to look around then he got out. I had no idea what was going on. A few minutes later he came out and we left and he revealed his reason for our stop. He had gone in to buy coke.

My first mistake was to not leave him somewhere right then and there but I was worried about him. I knew he was upset and I wanted to help. How many times was I in mid crisis and wished there was someone there who cared. Well let me tell you something…adding coke to someone who is already spiraling makes things 10X worse. He was on the edge and talked about killing himself and I couldn’t forgive myself if I had of left him alone and he did it.

I let him spend the night with me and at first things were ok. My 2nd mistake that night was letting him kiss me. It made me feel wanted and needed and I wanted to fix him. I wanted to make him stop hurting. Things went further then I had wanted, we attempted to have sex but because of the coke and his emotional state he was unable to perform. This set him off. I tried to ensure him that it was fine and that it wasn’t something to be embarrassed about and said that the best thing to do was to get some sleep. He started to get increasingly upset and it didn’t matter what I would say it made him worse.

As the night went on I would try to go to sleep and he kept waking me up. He wanted to have sex. He wanted to prove that he could perform. I told him no. I told him that I didn’t want to that he had nothing he needed to prove to me and that I just wanted to go to sleep. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. He got between my legs and started to touch me. I tried pushing him away and to stop. He wouldn’t listen. I started to cry and begged him to stop and finally he did but he was angry. I told him that I had the right to say no. He started to scream at me. He told me that I had made him feel like a rapist but he had done nothing wrong and then he left.

I’ve struggled with his words. I’ve struggled with wondering if I had been wrong in saying no.

It took me a long time to figure out why I was so bothered by these two situations. I’ve let far worse things to be done to me. One day it hit me what was so different about these incidents. I’ve talked in my other posts how I didn’t think I had the right to say no. Both of these times I had said No.

I SAID NO.

And both times saying No hadn’t been enough. They had tried to take my right to say No away. It doesn’t matter if I had said yes a previous time. As soon as I said No I do not want this that should have been the end of discussion.

No means No. Period.