Secret #1 in Chaos

I was sexually manipulated/abused by my ex for 10 years.

I fell in love with a narcissistic sociopath.
I met him when I was 17 and was in a very bad place in my life. He made me feel special and convinced me he loved me....boy was I wrong.

Things seemed great for the first year until we moved in together. That’s when he started brainwashing me.

First he slowly alienated me from my family. It didn’t take much. I had a strained relationship with my parents and they didn’t like him. Of course my parents were able to see what I couldn’t, that he was a predator and I was his prey.

He convinced me that he was the only one that could possibly love me. That without him I would be alone because how could someone else possibly look past my faults the way that he could.

Then he convinced me that my only worth was sex. That was the only thing I was good for and I believed it. He used sex to control me. It was the only time I was provided the affection from him that I craved. If i pissed him off then he would withhold sex until I begged him to have sex with me. I would beg for it even when I didn’t want it because it was the only way I could prove to myself I wasn’t completely worthless. He enjoyed it more when he knew I didn’t want it. I would let him do what he wanted while I cried silently and afterwards when I just wanted to continue feeling affection he would always become distant.

He made me do things I didn’t want and things I didn’t enjoy. It was sometimes a way to punish me for questioning him or upsetting him in some way. He would get back at me by making me do the things I hated. I learned to just shut down during those times. I was physically there but mentally I was far far away.

There were times I wanted to leave but by then I had 2 beautiful children and didn’t want to break up their family and I was also afraid to be alone.

Eventually he did me the biggest favor of my life…he found someone else. Someone much much younger. Someone new he could manipulate, control and destroy.

When he left me I was DEVASTATED. I hit an all time low. I now was worthless.

Over time and with some therapy I realized he was the issue not me. I realized that what he did was not love.

I still struggle with the emotional damage that he caused. There are days that I still feel that I’m worthless and wonder what is so wrong with me that I wasn’t even good enough for someone like him.

All I can do is take it one day at a time and remind myself that I am worth something…