I come in peace and I want to ask for forgiveness. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I hope you can someday find it in your heart to, if only for your sake so you can have peace. I am crying re-reading the e-mail I sent to you Sunday night. My heart was broken and I was violently angry....I was violently angry BECAUSE my heart was broken because my hopes and dreams were shattered once again when I finally, after over 8 years, opened up myself again to the possibility of allowing a man into my life and heart. What happened between us is exactly what I had been protecting myself from all that time. I am so sad things ended with us being so cruel to each other. I am so sad I was so mean in the e-mail I sent on Sunday.
The week before when I sent you the initial e-mail, I clearly didn’t communicate effectively because my intention wasn’t to break up....it was to see if you had a different perspective than mine and to see if this relationship was worth fighting for and see if we could work through things. I assumed since you responded the way you did that you had just been waiting to break up for the past couple months and wanted an easy out. I know we’re not right for each other, so I know a break up needed to happen, BUT I am completely heartbroken that it happened the way that it did. I guess what I was hoping for and what I should’ve expected were two different things. What I was hoping for is that you’d tell me I was completely wrong about everything and ask how I had possibly reached all those conclusions that I did and see how we could work through them. But what happened is what I should’ve expected I guess.
I went off the deep end when I got your e-mail and my heart sank into my stomach and I sobbed for an entire afternoon and evening. I guess I really just wanted to believe that you wanted to be with me and weren’t looking for a way out. But Rob, I have ZERO right to be angry at you for doing what is right for you. I truly DO want the best for you. I have prayed that and I am praying that now. I am heartbroken that I am not the best for you, but it’s not your fault that I’m not. It’s not my fault either, but you’re certainly not to blame. I’m sad because I so wanted you to be the one. And I guess I wanted that so bad that I ignored things that I shouldn’t have for a really long time because I was praying that they would change. You are a very good man, Rob. I’m sorry for speaking to you Sunday like you’re not. I haven’t been as hurt as I’ve felt this past week in a very, very long time…I’ve never felt this rejected in my life. But it’s not your fault and I have no right to be angry at you and I’m so sorry I took my anger out on you.
I want you to know something…in response to what you last said Monday night…I took down the initial post I made right after Thanksgiving on Facebook the day you told me how uncomfortable that post made you. (Even though you gave me permission to post it.) When you told me that it made you uncomfortable, I took down the post and the pictures that day. This was in early December. This was out of respect for you. This was not because I bailed on the relationship. Rob, I really need you to know that everything I did and said in our relationship was because I was following your lead. Hearing that posting our relationship on Facebook made you uncomfortable made me feel like you were ashamed of me and like you didn’t want to be with me. I almost asked you not to come here in December because I felt that you told me that you didn’t want to be with me anymore then....I just didn’t want to believe that. I’m really glad you DID come and I’m really glad both of us tried to make this work because we can at least say we tried and we can at least know for certain that we are not right for each other. But that’s no one’s fault. It’s just a total personality clash that’s irreconcilable. Our personalities are too different, our life visions are too different and Jesus was not at the center of our relationship, and our relationships with Him are too different to ever have unity in marriage. And I’m not bashing or insulting you for that. I’m not blaming you for that. Please don’t take that upon yourself.
I am still crying right now because of how cruel I was on Sunday. I know we needed to break up, but being so cruel isn’t how it should’ve been and with all my heart, I am deeply, deeply sorry for that and I truly hope you are able to forgive me someday. I knew I couldn’t come down there in February, have a wonderful time with you for a few days and then break up at the end of our time together. Because here’s the thing…I really did love being with you. I did feel safe with you and there was never a moment I was in your arms where I didn’t want to be there. But that’s not enough to sustain a relationship, let alone a marriage. At least, not the marriage I’m looking for.
I really thought we were on the same page when you left here at the beginning of the month. I thought we wanted the same things and were moving in the same direction. I thought that you had finally decided that you did love me and did want to be with me. But the sweet texts that you had once sent me months ago never resumed. So I assumed that you really didn’t want me and just didn’t know how to tell me. That’s ok, Rob! I’m not being sarcastic. I’m not being mean. I’m telling you- that’s truly ok. It wasn’t ok with me and that’s not what I want in a relationship, but it IS ok that that’s who you are and I’m not angry at you for that and I don’t judge you or blame you for that. I truly thought I was following your leading by what I wrote two Sundays ago and asking if you thought a conversation was worth having. It’s not because I have needs that can’t be met long distance. I felt really hurt when you said that and really hurt that you questioned my emotional health (although I certainly wouldn’t blame you if you questioned it Sunday- THAT questioning would be merited for sure!)
All I have ever asked is that people say what they mean and they mean what they say. It’s too confusing when they don’t and I’ll admit, I DO go off the deep end when I’m sent mixed signals because too many people have done that to me over the course of my life and recovering from it takes me a long time. Forgive me, but I guess I never got over you back pedaling at the beginning of December and taking back that you loved me. I wanted to get past that and I thought I did, but it made me lose trust and it made me question everything. With my past and everything I’ve gone through, back pedaling isn’t something I can live with. I’m not upset at you for back pedaling or for looking out for yourself and doing what’s right for you. But at this point in my life, I just need the person I’m with to be really sure that he wants to be with me and if he says he loves me, I need him to mean it and not take it back. And I need to hear it every day. And Rob, I am not judging or blaming you for where this went wrong. I know I blamed you and threw everything in your face on Sunday and I’m so sorry I did that because I had no right to do that. We both know now though- I have needs that you can’t meet and you have needs that I can’t meet and those are irreconcilable and neither of us should have to compromise on the things that we need the most. I wish you could hear me say all of these things to you right now and see my face right now and see me crying right now because you would know how much you meant to me and that I never wanted to hurt you and that I am so sad things couldn’t work out between us. My heart hurts. There’s a part of me that thinks you might be glad because of that because you know I deserve to be in pain because of what I said to you Sunday. But the other part of me thinks that you’re too kind to wish pain on me even when I deserve it. Either way, I want to you take comfort in me being ripped up over this so you can at least know that you meant a lot to me. What’s really hard for me is that I truly didn’t want to be in relationship again unless it was with my future husband. But instead of regretting the last 6 months, I just have to continue to ask God what He wants to teach me from this and be thankful to know that a good, godly man does exist out there in the world.
Rob, thank you for your kindness. Thank you for your gentleness. Thank you for cooking so many nice meals for me when you were here for Christmas. Thank you for giving me an amazing Christmas present. I want you to know that bought materials to make you something and had every intention of making you something, but something in me hesitated....I guess I didn’t want to give that part of me away if I didn’t know for sure you were going to be my husband someday. But please know that my intention was to make you a nice collage frame of our pictures together and some Bible verses and sweet quotes. Anyway, thank you for trying. I know you probably tried as hard as you were able. Your kindness and gentleness are really beautiful qualities about you. I’ve been praying for a couple months that God would put a woman in your life who you would think was worthy of pursuing. Please hear me that I am not harboring bitterness in my heart anymore just because you didn’t do that for me. Yes, I struggled with bitterness all week, and I’ve been sad since early December because I felt like you bailed, but I’ve been praying against its root taking place in my heart and have been trying to take all my thoughts and feelings captive so they can all be under Christ’s lordship.
I feel like He wanted me to write you this so you could know how sorry I am for everything and so you can have some closure and so you can know that you are a wonderful man worthy of love. Not that you need me to tell you that. I know you don’t. But I still wanted to tell you that anyway. I am truly repentant and broken hearted over how cruel I was Sunday. And I needed to apologize and ask forgiveness even if you don’t give it to me. I’m still crying by the way. Not that that matters. I just wish you could understand how sorry I am. I am so sorry for all the ways I sinned against you. My heart is broken over it.
You don’t owe me anything. You don’t owe me an apology or an explanation. You certainly don’t owe me forgiveness. And I really don’t want or need you to write back. If you get to a place down the road where you feel like you need some closure and need to understand things that you don’t right now, please give me a call and we can talk about it and maybe that will help us both know what to do differently or better when God does bring us the spouse He has for us. I don’t want either of us to be cold, cruel, or hurtful to each other so please don’t do it unless you feel like you can without hatred. I promise I will not be hateful or cruel. And if this is a totally stupid suggestion, please forgive me and think whatever you want to of me.
I truly do want you to have nothing but God’s very best in life. I pray He give you His strength for each day, that He enfold you in His presence, that you experience more and more of His love for you every day, that He continue to conform you to the character of Christ, that He hold your heart in His hands, that He give you a woman to love and teach you how to love her well and teach her how to love you well, that you have all the success in your career that you’ve always dreamed of, that He put some older godly men, and men your age in your life with whom to fellowship and have godly community, that He bless your brother and sister, and that He bless your life. I want all of that for you and more.
I know that when we see each other in heaven someday that there will be no more tears or pain or suffering or sorrow and that we will be united as brother and sister in Christ. I will look forward to that and I sincerely, truly, with all my heart, wish you God’s best for a beautiful, blessed life.
I know I said I wasn’t going to respond, but I broke my rule. We’re not getting back together, but at least there will be no ill will between us.
Of course, I’m not mad. I’m relieved you don’t hate me. As far as I’m concerned, this is the first email I’ve received from you since two weeks ago. You did nothing that warrants asking for forgiveness, so please don’t feel bad. That’s the last thing on earth I’d ever want. I’ve got to go to bed soon, and I’m proctoring/grading exams tomorrow night after my evening class, but can we talk this weekend? I’d like hear your voice, talk all of this out, and make sure nothing is unresolved.
With deep affection,
Super-relieved I didn’t send that original email. Phew!