What I want to send (rough draft) in New Beginnings

I haven’t completed scrubbing it for grammatical errors, but this is everything I want to get off my chest.

Erika,

I’d really like to call and discuss everything you said, but you said a lot, and if I were to call, you likely wouldn’t let me say everything I want to without interruption, so I’m writing everything out. If you can send an email because you’re better at written communication, I think I should be afforded the same benefit. Doing otherwise seems like an underhanded way to ensure you have the advantage in any disagreement when you can write everything out, yet I have think on the fly and respond to questions immediately.

First off, it’s hard to ghost on a relationship when the other person bails first. When you sent me that email, the first thing I did was go to your Facebook profile to see if anything was going on, and that’s when I noticed you had taken down our photos. You took down our photos BEFORE sending that email. That speaks volumes, specifically that you were already done with us. That email wasn’t designed to foster a discussion or resolve any issues. It was designed to make me formally initiate the break up while sparing you the pain of being the bad guy. I don’t see how you can say things like we don’t bring out the best in each other, our relationship isn’t centered on Christ, or I’m not passionately pursuing you and expect a resolution other than a breakup. Either that, or you were trying to manipulate me into relocating to St. Louis immediately. Either case shows a severe lack of honesty and ethics on
your part.

As for my texting, the point of my asking about your day is to foster a conversation. I’d ask, you share something meaningful, and maybe reciprocate, and we’d have a discussion and feel close to each other. It necessitates a back and forth, but when I ask, and you provide a brief response, and that’s the end, I don’t think that blame can (entirely) be laid on me. Secondly, I’m sorry I wasn’t writing you a love sonnet every morning, but if I had, would it have prevented this blow up? Maybe it would have delayed things, but eventually, you would have felt like I was phoning it in, recycling the same good morning message over and over and over. It would have lost its impact. Also texting wasn’t the only thing we had, the other being phone conversations. I returned to Georgia, we talked that first week and weekend, and the second week I was busy and sick for the first half of it, and when I tried to set some time to catch up over that weekend, you couldn’t commit to anything. We could have had a fun conversation like the previous one and restored and reinforced our feelings and commitment to one another, but you were the one who bailed. You said you had to reschedule your lessons for the weekend because of your audition, which sounded legitimate, but now it feels like you were distancing yourself solely to send that last email.

Also, I while your accusing me of not pursuing you, keep in mind that I was the one in this relationship expending the most personal resources for it. I handled the bulk of the cooking, I paid if just the two of us went out, I was the only one of us who gave a Christmas gift. I’m aware that I said I didn’t like receiving gifts, but I also said gift certificates for food were ok. The fact that your parents gave me that gift suggests you weren’t against my receiving a gift, but you just didn’t want to pay for it. Aside from all that, I was the one who was ultimately going to give up his job and his home for us to be together. You boasted about having a lot to offer, but consider that most of what you bring to the table comes from the efforts of those around you. It’s your father who takes us out for a movie. It’s your mother who treats us to dinner. If not them, then it’s your friends filling that role. You seem to do little more than look pretty, submit your friends’ and family members’ efforts as your own, then evaluate if mine are worthy of you. Seriously think about how I was going to reorder my life while you were going to give up fraction of your basement for me to use as an office and answer how I was not the one going after you.

As long as we’re on the subject of your home, how does someone making $30k a year afford a 2,700 square foot house that last sold for at $350,000 (Yeah, I looked it up on Zillow)? Either you’re buried in debt or your father covered the down payment, which means your expectation is for someone else to support a lifestyle you can’t afford on your own. In either case, you lied about your responsibility with money, which you knew was a significant issue to me. Now I wonder if you all you saw me as was a potential meal ticket.

I also don’t understand your saying how “completely over it [I] looked nearly the entire time [I was there].” I was there for 12 days. If you thought I was perpetually miserable, why didn’t you say anything? The fact that you’re just now airing this grievance suggest to that you’re letting your current emotional state color those memories.

Additionally, how can you fault me for logically and clinically responding to your previous email. If I had responded to your hurt feelings with my own, would that have resolved anything? I’d expect doing so to cause an even greater blow up then what we’re having right now. When emotions are high, someone needs to be even tempered. I also don’t comprehend how my critical analysis isn’t based in truth. You didn’t support anything you said with detailed examples or logic. You hurled a bunch of insults and accusations as induced by your feelings and declared my logic not to be based in truth. Feelings are irrelevant in determining truth or facts. Letting one’s feelings influence his or her perception of the facts is the very definition of bias. Your reaction and perspective is just that, biased by your personal feelings. It doesn’t mean that your pain isn’t real or that you aren’t deserving of comfort, but neither should your perspective of what happened take priority over critical analysis.

I should also probably comment on your “when someone texts you and asks you to pray for God to give them a reason to be alive, the correct response isn’t ‘will do’” remark. When someone asks me to pray for him or her, I presume the correct response is to pray for that person and let him or her know that I’m doing so. Secondly, I had to go to work sick from Monday through Wednesday because I didn’t have anyone to fill in for my classes. I was teaching classes, preparing lessons, & helping students while sore, lethargic, congested, and feverish. In addition to all that, I’m expected to take however long necessary to write you a letter of encouragement? Failure on my part is considered “heartless?” How much of your depression takes priority over anyone else dealing with his or her own duress? Am I really supposed to apologize for falling short of your standards while working three days while physically ill?

You know, I honestly thought there was a chance we might have worked things out. Perhaps we would have missed each other too much and reconciled, becoming even stronger and more committed in the process. I know I spent this last week vaguely nauseous from losing you. Now, we’re done. There’s no way I’m going to rearrange my life for someone so capable rage, deceit, and pettiness. I genuinely hope you move onto better things. More so, I hope you find healing and peace from the psychological and emotional illnesses you bear, but that’s all I have left for you. Good bye.

Rob

P.S. When did I convey that I was happy at the thought of you ending up with another man? I certainly wasn’t okay with that idea, but now I’m inclined to say that you have my blessing and he has my pity.

P.P.S. Also, so as my stealing kisses from your future husband won’t be a complete lost, I’ll do him this favor and inform you that you need to start rinsing with mouthwash and/or using a tongue scraper because your breath is nowhere near as beautiful as you. Sometimes, when we were having a prolonged kiss, you would exhale, causing your breath to come out my nostrils. It literally felt like I was vomiting rancid milk through my nose. Maybe resolve that issue before the next guy comes along, or don’t and wonder about its validity should your next relationship fail.