contemplations in 2019

4:24pm

I don’t know how far I’ll get on this but I figured I’d start and see where my mind wanders.

I have about 20 minutes before I close up the office and head to church. I’m working again tomorrow for a few hours but as of right now I have zero appointments. Honestly, I shouldn’t put it into words, but it’s been a little too slow. I’m not as much worried about being behind as I am about the fact that everyone might suddenly want to come at the exact same time and I’m going to run out of spaces to accommodate them. I hate when people have to wait! Especially when they sit in the waiting room directly in front of me and stare. So uncomfortable!

In less uncomfortable situations: I got another survey result this morning and it said that I was “very nice and knowledgeable....and pretty =D” haha. It was the same guy as before. Which is fine. I mean, he’s older but he’s nice. He listened to me go on and on about my work and acted as if he were really interested. haha. I’m flattered no matter what. Just goes to show you that when you’re feeling confident that sh*t radiates out to others. I just need to figure out how to feel that way on an ongoing basis.

It’s way later now but I’m going to try to give a quick spiel on the client.

I’ve been going back and forth on this whole thing. I think that when I start to get lonely, or needy, I start to contemplate what it would actually be like to give in to this thing. There’s never been a single thought that didn’t also involve the idea of “settling” though. At some point that might become my reality though if I don’t end up getting what I want, right? So I think about it and imagine what it would be like.

He’s a great guy. He’s been so much of what I’ve always wanted. He’s attentive. He’s willing to hang out without getting any action in return. He’s probably the only guy that hasn’t run away despite my very clear stance on not dating or wanting anything more than a friendship right now. He’s sweet. I think he’d probably do whatever I asked of him if we were together. Etc. Etc. Etc....

But there are also a lot of things that I don’t like. There have been a handful of times where I’m talking with him and he does this crazy overreaction thing as part of his story. It’s intense. To the point where internally I’m trying to convince myself that it isn’t that scary. Like I’m sure he’s just joking/exaggerating/being dramatic and it’s not a big deal. It’s caused red flags to spring up in my mind though.
Also, I’ve never spent time with anyone else in my entire life where I’m sitting next to them talking and I’m imaging making one of those gestures where I put a finger gun to my head out of boredom. That’s terrible isn’t it?? I feel so bad that I’ve had those thoughts on multiple occasions. A part of me feels like I’m almost doing it on purpose so that it won’t be good, but I don’t know. I can’t picture sitting across from him long term listening to those same old stories.
There’s no spark. He’s definitely cute. Has the prettiest blue eyes. In good shape but he’s so damn skinny. It’s not a big difference but I know that I weigh at least 5 lbs more than he does. That bothers me! I don’t want a man that I’m going to have to protect! And this is super shallow, I know, but seriously. How the hell am I supposed to get on top of a guy that I’m afraid of squishing?!
Also, he’s full of himself. I won’t go into every example but a quick one would be the fact that he showed up at my house on Thursday night, out of the blue, to bring me a stand he made for my metal flower. Super sweet gesture! Except for the fact that I was already in my pjs and didn’t expect visitors. hah. And the fact that when I thanked him again later via text all he seemed to care about was where I was going to put it in the office and what people would think of it. Ok. Was this for me or for your own vanity?
Last, but not least, this thing popped up on my fb yesterday where he’d apparently commented on a picture. It was a picture from one of those guns and girls type groups. Basically this girl was lying on the ground with her gun and it’s a close up of her ass in tight pink leggings [because women totally go out to shoot guns like that]. Just the kind of picture to grab attention, which is fine. It’s also perfectly fine that he’s into that! I’m into guys wearing tight pants and guns too! But the fact that he commented on it? Nothing crazy but it felt kinda slimy. He comes off as so sweet and boy scout innocent and he’s apparently not at all! And it didn’t even make me jealous either, which says a lot I think.

I know this seems like I’m bashing on him and I don’t want it to come off that way. I’m just working through my thoughts in here. Stuff I’ve felt and what not. I’ll sing his praises to anyone but I just can’t wrap my mind around the idea of actually being with him, especially long term. So I think I’m going to go ahead and call that one, unless something wild changes.

In other news: I am so not going to get wrapped up in TF again. I made that promise already. But there’s a private entry detailing all of our interactions yesterday when he came into the office and then a couple phone calls that followed.

It was really weird because after the last call he sent me an email with a picture of the form I needed, except he sent it to my personal email which I didn’t check again until after work. I’d spent all afternoon randomly checking the work email wondering why he hadn’t sent it. He’s usually pretty good about that.

So I found the email after we left work and were on our way to dinner. I wanted to reply with something about how he’s not supposed to use my personal email but I hesitated on it and continued on with my night instead. A good dinner and meeting up with friends who just moved back to California later and I was still contemplating a message. I got back home, checked my email again, and there was another email. It was him again. He was asking if I’d gotten the form in a separate message.

1) I cannot remember the last time he double emailed me like that! Especially not for something that was about work and didn’t need immediate tending to!! 2) Both of those emails were brand new and not in reply to any of our old crap, which is also a huge shocker!!

I didn’t even know what to do. I mean, it gave me the perfect excuse to write him back because it had been sent about a half hour before I got home. But it was crazy that he’d actually done that. I’m still surprised and suspicious of his motives. I feel like something else is going on that he’s not telling us about.

Anyway, I replied and made the joke about my personal email and asked him if he didn’t know that we aren’t friends anymore. He didn’t respond last night, which isn’t a surprise, but y’all know I wanted to check my email first thing this morning. Ugh. I waited a while until I was mostly done exercising and sure enough, after some poking on my phone, I found a reply. From 4 freaken 30 this morning! That dude has an insane sleep schedule!! All he said was, “No, I didn’t.” So I responded asking if he didn’t know about the friend thing because that was his choice. A girl can only try for so long.

No reply, of course. After I got to work I finally loaded up the form so I sent a reply to that one telling him that I’d gotten it. Also that I was surprised he was in such a hurry. That it usually takes weeks for a response. I asked if he’d gotten into any trouble or something was wrong. hah. I really am suspicious! But no reply to that either.

He’s just like the Sheriff. Their lack of message replies is so frustrating to me but obviously not enough to keep me from coming back over and over again. sigh

I guess I’ll see him on Monday. Not sure how that’ll go. I hope I get a chance to say whatever I have left to say inside of me. There’s a very good possibility that after Monday I won’t see him again for another year. I don’t even want to contemplate that right now.

But I guess life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans, right?

rose.
9:56pm