4: Change of self in My own struggles

  • Jan. 26, 2019, 4:19 p.m.
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Trying to let everything in my life calm down after moving in with grandma wasn’t going to be easy. Before heading down to Goodwood, I had everything i ever wanted in life except of course Jade. Now, i only had the most of the possessions out of the house and awaiting money to come through from the sale of the house. But this was very little consolation to me. I would have rather that none of this had happened.

One of the things i tried to do was to get involved with a Formula Ford race team for the season that was just starting a month after i moved up. I already had been testing with them for one day in February and it seemed to be quite positive. 2 weeks before the first race weekend, i contacted the team boss if it was still okay to help out. Unfortunately he notified me that one of the ex-engineers had returned to the team and that my services were no longer needed. It would be the last time that i would be involved in any sort of Motorsport technician work.

Aside that attempt, i was pursuing my attempt to replace Jade with another girl. I actually set up Tinder and a few other similar dating apps 2 weeks after the split up. Hindsight now, that was a mistake and was still a mistake i think to be pursuing someone else after moving up to Sutton Coldfield. This was probably down to my own naivety. Everything that i was going through was new so i knew no better.

The reason I’ve named this chapter ‘Change of self’ is down to a moment i had when i was on a match.com event karting. I had photos taken with me on the podium but when i looked at them immediately, i just hated the look of myself with the glasses i had on, my wonky tooth and my shaved head. The day after, i began to look into how to fix my wonky tooth as this was biggest concern with my look. A new hairstyle and wearing contacts would come relatively easy.

Back to the dating attempts. I had 3 in the month of April. The 3rd date was with a girl called Sarra. We had a night out in Birmingham over a few drinks and had a good chat particularly over 90’s TV programmes. This would lead to a 2nd and 3rd date and so behold we were an item. She did note out that she didn’t like the look at my wonky tooth which really didn’t help my own self confidence. Again, had i known better, i would have just walked off and left her. My naivety set in again but perhaps this was because i was already looking into fixing my teeth so i let this brush over. I told her that i was looking into fixing my teeth.

I wasn’t taking the relationship too seriously but at the same time i was enjoying the company. Every time we saw each other we were always out. I couldn’t really bring her back to where i was living with my grandma and she was still living with her family too. Our only alone time was when we were out. And she didn’t have a job either by the time we were an item. It wasn’t like she didn’t have her life in order as she was due to go to university the following September. Every time we did go out whether it was eating/drinking, days out or going to the cinema, it was me who was paying.

One thing i did managed to get from my breakup from Jade was tickets to the Le Mans 24 hour race. Both of them! I took my brother in place of Jade and used this as his birthday present. The perfect tonic from what was a turbulent year so far. After i got back, all the changes i planned had started to take effect. First, my teeth: i had temporary veneers put in until i would head next time to have the permanent ones fitted. Then, i had contact lenses trialed. This was quite tricky. I first tried these on my own when i headed down to Goodwood for volunteering at the Festival of Speed.

Before heading down to Goodwood, i viewed a house in Sutton Coldfield which i put an offer down and got accepted. Seemed like things were on the up! Heading to Goodwood feeling a bit happier with myself.

By the time I’ve finished volunteering for another event,Sarra started to show her true colours by the end of June when i reacted to a female friend’s picture on Facebook. Basically i ‘loved’ the photo rather than just liking it and Sarra noticed this. I got a text from Sarra asking who this friend on Facebook was. I replied that she was a colleague at work. Sarra took into context that i fancied my colleague which was far from actual. Too many text message were exchanged on this needless subject. Sarra started to get uneasy and insecure. Not really what i needed.

The trend of Sarra being unsettled really started to set in. I was getting fed up of spending my own money all the time and wanted to do things that involve not spending money. She didn’t take this very well. Now i knew she was high maintenance but yet again my naivety was setting in just because i enjoyed her company. Given the situation again, i would have dumped her on the spot as she was annoying. Sarra’s complaining didn’t stop there. She hated my glasses that i was wearing when i wasn’t wearing contact lenses, she hated my clothes and hated anything that i was doing when i wasn’t with her like going to the pub with my mates.

As it turns out, she actually dumped me....for about 2 days. I was struggling with getting a mortgage approved for my house purchase. This was due to being a contractor and being a self applicant. I told Sarra about this and she totally freaked out. She shouldn’t have done because this wasn’t her mortgage or her life. She certainly shouldn’t have banked her life on me at this stage. This was still 2 months of us going out and it still wasn’t a serious relationship. She decided to dump me through Facebook Messenger message exchanges when i was work. Fair to say compared to being dumped by Jade, i wasn’t emotional at all. Just fed up.

I got my permanent veneers put in the very next day and also got my haircut too. My new look was complete. I looked far better than the day i had my picture taken back in March for the match.com event. So much better, i took a selfie of myself and used this as my new whatsapp picture. Sarra saw this and decided to talk to me again! Was actually quite hilarious. I knew she regretted splitting up with me and it showed when she wanted to speak to me in person. She still had feelings for me. Must admit that i still did too. She was a good looking girl and was good when it came to sex, even though all the times we got together was in the back of my car. It was quite fun at first doing it in the back of my car located in a farm field but it lost it’s novelty when you knew you couldn’t be let loose in the bedroom.

We got back together for another 2 weeks before things finally ceased. However, the way things ended was more mutual but also a little nasty. The week before ending, i got offered to go up to Newcastle as part of a stag do. I said yes, but i didn’t tell Sarra that i was going up. I didn’t really want to. I just felt she wouldn’t approve my activities that didn’t involve her. She hated that went karting before and i even sacrificed one event just to be with Sarra. Again, me being naive. I saw Sarra the night before i went up to Newcastle to hand over her brother’s birthday card. I was in two minds whether to tell her but i think it would have been really awkward to tell her that i was off overnight the very next day.

Sarra only began texting me when i was heading back down from Newcastle. Still unaware that i was on a stag-do. Now i was still to feel that i no longer needed Once i phoned her, i basically put on some bullshit excuse that i had no signal etc. She found out i was away when i tagged on a Facebook photo. I ended getting a barrage of abuse from her so i blocked her immediately. I knew where this was going and i didn’t want any part of her in my place. I had enough. Relationship was over. No guilt whatsoever.

At least i had a new look though! It was back to the world of Tinder, Match, POF.....

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